Tuesday, July 17, 2012

encouragement needed

image from here

This afternoon I received an email from a fellow loss mama.  Quite frankly, it broke my heart.  This line in particular made my heart hurt:

The truth is, I just really need to hear from others that it's ok to be sad at 3 months and that there is no timeline. (I believe that, but it's hard when so many people think I should be just fine now).

That right there is why I wrote a book on what to do after your baby dies.  I wish it was done (we're close) so I could send it to her.  I hate that people feel so alone and isolated after their baby dies.  I hate that we are expected to be over a loss so huge it's incomprehensible; to sit and think about it breaks one wide open.

I want her to know the following:

There is no timeline.  There isn't a right or wrong way to grieve.  Three months out is a very, very raw time still and sadness is appropriate and understandable.  You will never be over the loss of your son.  He will always be with you.  Your grief will change, your sadness will wax and wane, but you will never, ever be over it.  Over it doesn't happen when your baby dies.

Will you be the others?  Will you join me in lifting this mama up and coming together as a community to reassure and love her?

Here is her blog address if you want to read more about her story and see pictures of her sweet Samuel.


  1. I'm so sorry for the loss of baby Samuel. Hugs and peace to this grieving mama.

  2. what you said is certainly correct. It makes me so flipping mad that as baby loss parents we even THINK things like "is it ok I'm still sad" etc. society really makes the loss of a baby even harder! </3

  3. So sad and heartbreaking and yes, very isolating. There is no such thing as getting over it but I wouldn't want there to be.

  4. Oh my goodness, at 3 months I was still sitting in a corner basically wasting away. I didn't function too well for at least 6mos and that is when I got into a wonderful support system through a local group.

    It takes time, no set time, but time. That time is different for everybody. I am a long ways out and in a really good place so it can happen. She just needs to give herself the time and space to move along her path the way she needs to. Three months out is still way early in my experience to be thinking you should be better. Praying she can find peace when her heart is ready for it.

  5. Of course...going over there now with love and prayers.

  6. Oh, that poor girl. I just want to hug her. As an outsider to baby loss, I can't imagine EVER telling someone that they should be over the death of their child at ANY point in time, much less a short 3 months out. I spent a good while last night reading her whole blog and couldn't believe some of the things that were said to her. I'm so sorry to anyone who has ever lost a child for all the stupid things that the rest of us sometimes say and do.

    (RaeAnne, if you're reading, Samuel is such a beautiful baby boy!)

  7. Oh yes, it is DEFINITELY okay to be sad and broken-feeling at 3 months . . . and 6, and 9 and one year and three years, and so on . . . Each journey of grief is different. Don't let others tell you what you "should" be doing. Aside from self-harming, there is no good or bad in grief, just survival and, eventually, healing. I'm so sorry. Hugs.

  8. p.s. For me, it took a month or two for grief to even really begin. I was in shock for that time, and it was difficult to cry. So when I finally was able to cry and actively grieve at two and three months out, it was such a relief. I'm now 8 months out, and still cry. It's okay. It's okay to be sad for as long as you need to be. And even when you are more healed, it's still okay to be sad at times, to let the tears fall.

  9. God three months. I was a shuddering mess, barely leaving the house, not socialising, not working, not doing anything but wailing and just trying to function - and not doing good job of it. I'm so sorry this poor mama has joined our club. I will be holding her in my thoughts.


thank you!


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