Wednesday, July 4, 2012

the fourth

Thank you for the comments on my last post.  I was in such a combative surly angry mood when I wrote that and your sleep woe stories really helped.

It's the fourth of July, which is huge in America for you few non-Americans who read, and I am in a funk. I've ditched the combative surly angry personality for the sad pouting one.  I'm not sure if that's a step forward or back.  Maybe sideways?

We're not doing anything today, even though everyone else is celebrating this country and its freedoms with beer, hamburgers and fireworks.

I love this country and I think this day is really important, but we don't usually celebrate.  We haven't celebrated since the year before Charlotte died.  Maybe we only have so many holidays in us with her gone.  We can do Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter, but the rest have to fall by the wayside because there isn't a little girl dancing through the twilight in a red, white and blue dress with a sparkler in her hand.  And there should be.  Oh, there should be.

Some of this mood is the talk I gave last week, while another bit of it is the book that's almost done.  I looked over layout and cover options with J this afternoon (I have a wonderful smart friend who is doing all of the technical stuff and editing for me) and I realized that this book is almost a reality.  And that made me realize what I share here isn't my whole heart - more like a quarter - but what I share there is my whole heart and a good bit of my soul too.  I just don't feel brave enough to let go of this piece of me I've spent a year and a half shaping and crafting.

And some of this mood is just grief cycling around again.  It comes, it goes, it knocks you down, it lets you float a bit.  This is valley time for me.  I forgot how much it sucks.


  1. Oh, you are right. Only so many holidays in us. I was wondering why I ignore so many now and that is exactly it.

    The 4th July is our wedding anniversary. 14 yrs today. I may not be American but I'm proud enough, today :)

    Sending you a squeeze :)

  2. (((hugs))) friend! big giant HUGS!! Wish i was there with ya - no celebrating here either... <3

  3. When you have another child to care for it can be a huge distraction from grief but they can equally be a huge reminder of what you re missing. I dont think there is any way of knowing which one it will be on any given day, hour, or moment. People often talk about their book as their 'baby' I dont suppose the irony is lost on you. I think it will be difficult to let it go out there for other people to see, but it will be really worth the effort in the end.

  4. "It comes, it goes, it knocks you down, it lets you float a bit.  This is valley time for me.  I forgot how much it sucks."

    This. Your perspective here, so much further out than I am, helps. It helps to know what to expect in the months ahead.

    Thank you for sharing. Sending love your way...


thank you!


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