Sunday, July 1, 2012

sunday ramblings


Feeling sad and run down and worn out this evening.  Oregon's extended spring always gets to me.  I don't love hot weather, but constant gray skies wear on a soul.  Thursday's talk rattled me a bit too.  I love sharing Charlotte's story, but it takes me a few days to find solid footing afterwards.


I'm struggling with priorities and time management and fitting everything in.  I miss sitting on the couch, feet up, good book in hand.  I'm always behind.  I'm always trying to find time to write.  I'm always exhausted at the end of the day.  And grumpy.


I feel guilty for being the one person in my group of friends tied to social media.  Everyone else uses it, but not like I do.  I wonder if that makes me less of a mother, or wife, somehow.  I feel guilty for needing (and loving) this space.  Sometimes I do get caught up in it all.  Every now and again I lose sight of what's really important here.  I look at other blogs.  I get insecure.  I have to stop myself from getting caught up in the numbers.  I have to stop thinking about how many and focus on who and why.


Thing is, being a stay at home mom is lonely sometimes.  And leaving the house is hard.  It's easier to stay in and stick to our routine.  We have a few hours during the day when we head out and do things, but being out all day and missing naps is such a pain I usually try to avoid it.


Social media, and this blog, ease the loneliness and allow me to stay at home while interacting with people.  When Charlotte died connecting from behind a screen became a comfortable thing for me.  I've always been a bit of an awkward person, and losing her made me more so.  I don't know how to be anymore, which affects everything, and it's so frustrating.


I'm just feeling melancholy tonight.  So much has changed since Bennett was born, and before that so much changed after Charlotte died.  Life is moving very, very fast, and as it speeds by friends are made and friends are lost.


And I'm missing some friends tonight.




3 comments:

  1. Its grey here too, and I know exactly what you mean. I do feel brighter in the sunshine (maybe I should re-think living in Scotland lol). Hugs from across the ocean.
    V
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel the same way about social media. Some of my friends don't even use Facebook. Or have iPhones. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I just live in another world to them and I'm not always sure I have the balance right. An addiction? Maybe. But for now, I need this. Because damn it, it's hard. And some of my "village" just happens to live on the other side of the world, like Oregon :)
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't even write much, but the blog connections are such a lifeline. Especially when dealing with people in person, or even on the phone, is so exhausting (even more so because most people don't understand). The next few months in Oregon will make the grey worthwhile!

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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