Monday, July 30, 2012

the joy of it

I'm writing this on the floor of our bedroom.  Sweet B needs a good nap, but he is having a hard time settling down in his crib so I'm trying our bed.  Not the most comfortable place for me, but he's so grumpy I'm willing to forsake comfort.

Thinking back over our weekend what strikes me the most is how much fun we had.  We haven't been camping since just before Charlotte was conceived.  We love to camp, hang out outdoors and go on hikes (though I've never backpacked and don't plan to) and we let all of that fall to the side.

This camping trip was the first time I've thoroughly enjoyed every last second of a vacation since Charlotte died.  I was excited about everything, even how close our campsite was to the bathroom (very important when camping with young ones).  Until this weekend I didn't realize how much of the time I'm still living life halfheartedly.  I don't know if my going through the motions attitude can be attributed to fear, or a lack of energy or some other unknown, but enjoying every ounce of our vacation made me realize just how much I've been holding back.

Before we left for our camping trip I saw a rare glimpse of Charlotte in Bennett's face.  I don't see her in him much now that he's nearly a year (sob) but for a second I saw her profile in his and it took my breath away. Sometimes the knowledge that I have a living child and a dead child roars forth from the back of my mind and knocks me flat.

I should have been rocking two little ones to sleep on our trip.  There should have been a sister and brother camping together.  Our family of three should be a family of four ...

I don't know if it's possible to reconcile what should be with what is, but this vacation showed me that three can be gloriously happy even when the fourth is missing.


  1. Sometimes the knowledge that I have a living child and a dead child roars forth from the back of my mind and knocks me flat.

    Oh yes. Yes, yes, yes. You say it so perfectly.

    I'm so happy you had such a joyous weekend. That picture is just glorious.

  2. Glad you had such a great trip and felt so good.

  3. Thanks for sharing that. I really love your perspective - it's the me to expect in the future. A glimpse of how my feelings will change, and how life will never, ever be the same.

    So glad you had a joyful trip!

  4. I'm glad you had a nice trip...wish the fourth member of your family could have been there. <3


thank you!


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