Saturday, August 18, 2012

august, you tire me


The heat broke with a bit of rain this morning, thank goodness. Sitting on the couch without the window unit blasting cold air is so nice - and quiet.

I've been so sad lately. Unexpected tears sad, you know the kind? August has been hard for me since Charlotte died. I don't know if it's because she was conceived in August and my body just remembers it somehow and misses her, or if it's circumstantial.

August 2010: Three months after she died. I was grieving so hard. I remember it as a very dark and lonely time.
August 2011: Very pregnant with Bennett. Terrified, emotionally spent, worried, in and out of labor, dilated to 5 cm and worried about a quick labor (HA!), sick to my stomach for weeks at the thought of losing another child.
August 2012: Niece born unexpectedly. Maybe baby freak out.

I'm tired too. Of course. Bennett is doing better on the floor. We actually get a solid block of sleep from him before he wakes for mama milk, but it doesn't do me much good because I don't go to bed at 7pm. And he naps really well now, which is so nice. I leave his door cracked during his naps. When he is finished with his rest he crawls to find me which always makes me laugh.

J took Bennett and Isabel to the park to air them out while I slept this morning. Bennett woke up at 5 and would not settle back to sleep, which is typical. Silly early riser. When I put Bennett down for his nap at 8:15 I felt like we had been separated for ages. He felt heavier, bigger, stronger. I can't believe he's almost a year. No, really, I can't. Why must babies get so big so fast? It is fun to watch him grow, but I miss my feather light newborn. Fair warning: I'm going to be super emotional until his first birthday.





1 comment:

  1. I feel the same way about June. But I have to say, I just need to nom your baby boy! Could he be more gorgeous? It's like mama porn for those of us whose babies are now kids with smelly feet and acne. :)

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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