Monday, August 13, 2012

between yes and no


Oh my word this has been the longest four weeks of my life.  I have been sick, worried and freaking out, but only to three people.  I wanted to keep what was happening a secret because it was too much for me to talk about.  I was completely overwhelmed.  And then this morning it all ended with the simplest option.  In the end, despite the mound of symptoms, the (embarrassing number) of negative tests were correct: I was just late.  Weeks late, but late all the same.  My body decided it was time to reorganize, but didn't bother informing me before doing so.

Or I was pregnant, but it wasn't viable so my hCG wasn't high enough to register on a test and this is an early miscarriage.  Is that even possible?  I had all of the symptoms.  Cravings, nausea, tired, hormonal.  I still feel sick this morning, so maybe something else is wrong.

You know what this experience made me realize?  I'm not ready to welcome a third baby into our lives.  I may never be ready to welcome a third baby into our lives.  I nearly had a panic attack just walking through the Labor and Delivery Units while visiting my sister.  I don't think I have the strength it would require to grow and deliver another child.

I made it through B's pregnancy with sheer determination, but that is gone now that he is here.  Why sacrifice sleep and sanity for a chance to kiss a living baby's cheeks when I already have that?  Why go through it again?  Why risk my heart again?

I used to feel like I would do anything to have a baby girl (though it's not like having a girl is a certain thing)  A third pregnancy.  Months of anxiety and worry and a third delivery with a high likelihood of a third hemorrhage.  But somewhere in the last year I've lost that drive.  I have B.  Maybe trying again would be asking too much - or something.

When I think about how relieved I am this morning - like I can breathe deeply for the first time in weeks - I feel terrible.  I thought I might be pregnant and I wasn't excited.  Not even for a second.  Maybe a positive pregnancy test would have changed how I felt.  I don't know.

I'm not ready.  I don't know if I will ever be ready.  I hate existing in this place of uncertainty, but it's too soon to commit one way or the other.  And I'm not the only one in this family who has to decide.  I just have to trust that God will give us the knowledge we need to make the right decision when the time comes.

Whew.  I need a drink.  Life has been so stressful with the maybe baby worry and my sister's new baby.  B just finished his breakfast and is crawling all around the dining room talking and laughing.  I'm going to spend my day with him, like I do every day, and set the worry about whether or not to try for another blessing to the side for now.  I have everything I need in this present moment.



8 comments:

  1. I'm in a similar place right now. My desire for another baby (especially the chance for a girl) has been coming and going since O was born. I had several months where I panicked thinking I was pregnant. Now that we've reached that point where we planned to start trying again, it feels crazy. I'm so terrified and wondering if it's really worth the risk. But I also really want O to have a sibling! It's so hard and I wish the whole thing could be taken out of my hands so I didn't have to over think it.

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  2. (((hugs))) you will make the right decision when the time comes. Like you said - set the decision to the side for now and spend your time with B :)

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  3. If you want to talk, please email. Please, I'd only be too happy to provide a shoulder/ear. I find it uncanny how similar our stories are sometimes. Lost daughter, living boy then at around 12 months finding a bit of an urge to do it all again. The first month we sort of tried for Juliet and it didn't work I felt EXACTLY the same as you do now. The next month, I was pregnant and it stuck and I had a complicated pregnancy, scares a plenty and probably carved 10 years off my life with worry, but it was worth all of it and so much more
    But this is your decision and yours alone (along with J of course). Here for you.
    xo

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  4. Ah, so glad you got the result you were looking for. You do make beautiful babies, but obviously the fear of another.. Of risking it all.. It's complicated and terrifying and all of that.

    I hope, that should your heart change along with your desire to do so, that you will make the right decision for you and your family as to whether it should grow some more. But in this moment? It really does seem like you're content. :)

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  5. Wow....sort of same thing happened to me, except I was feeling sick right before I was due. Which is usually when my pregnancy symptoms appeared in the past. Thankfully I wasn't even late, but that one day I thought maybe I was freaking out. We don't plan on having more since we have 2 living kids, but for awhile I had really been wanting another - especially if it could be a girl. I knew my husband would never agree, but wouldn't you know he brought it up yesterday. I had just gotten ok with being done, and I still say we are done because like you say, getting through the pregnancy after a loss was so hard, but I needed it, I truly think I needed to birth a living baby to move forward and it was the one thing that helped me heal more than anything. The thought of doing it again and risking anything at all going wrong is too scary for me. You may change your mind, B is still very young and your body has been through back to back pregnancies almost. Give it time, and decide as it comes. If you are ready, I think you will know.

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  6. B is still so young, you might still change your mind...or you might not, you and J will make the right decision when the time comes.
    Do you think seeing your sister's little girl come early, NICU stay, etc...scared you just a little bit more too?

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  7. I was late a few months ago. I had a couple tests left over from our days of trying (before we lost Nathan). I took one and literally had to remind myself to keep breathing while I waited for the windows to fill. For a fleeting moment, I imagined a second line... a positive. My heart fluttered and I smiled and then I had an "Oh, $#@&!" moment. I remembered what happened during the last pregnancy. All I could think was, "I can't do this... no!!" Then, I blinked and realized that there was no line. It was negative. Then the guilt set in. Babies are such a gift... especially for those of us who've experienced infertility and/or lost a baby. Why would I wish for a negative!?!? I'm still struggling with my feelings about trying for a 3rd baby and I honestly, don't know if I'll ever be at a place of peace. I think it's a decision that I'm going to have to leave up to God because I'm just too scared to get off either side of the fence.

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thank you!

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