Tuesday, September 4, 2012
This morning J and I went out to breakfast at a super popular place in town. J was so tired I don't know if he even remembers going. He'd been up since 3am with Bennett. Yep, that's right. Our nearly one-year-old would not settle so J held him from 3-7am and made him sleep.
It's not supposed to be like this, right?
After breakfast Bennett and I went to Target - oh lovely place - to buy a crib soother. J was throwing around reintroducing pacifier threats and I was eager to avoid that since we weaned him once and having to do it twice just seems to be inviting trouble.
You know what that $45.00 crib soother did? NOTHING. Which is what I expected, but I had to try something. This evening I nursed Bennett, turned on the crib soother (lights, music, little fish that swim about) and left the room. I thought he would be interested in it and wouldn't be too upset that I had left.
He screamed (and screamed and screamed and screamed) while I sat on the couch inhaling chocolate chips and J played a video game. After a chunk of time had passed (not revealing how much lest you hate me) I went in and realized he needed his diaper changed. I changed his diaper, held him for a few minutes and then put him back in his crib. And he screamed a while longer. We dug out a pacifier. He refused it. We let him cry a bit longer and then J settled him by sitting next to the crib and gentling him to sleep.
It's quite flattering that he prefers me over lights, noise and simulated swimming fish, but I really wish he didn't. Bennett craves human interaction. He loves people and socializing and hanging out. I've really struggled with his need for me during the night. A small part of me thinks he needs to learn how to hang by himself at night. A larger part of me thinks he's a baby and if he needs his mama he should get his mama no matter the hour. But now that we're transitioning into his second year of life (sigh) something's gotta give.
Guys, we're exhausted. We're short tempered (me, mostly) and worn down and J is just getting over a bout of sickness and we can barely hold our heads up anymore. I feel like we're doing something wrong, or like there is something wrong with Bennett; like he came to us with his sleep wiring all confused.
I feel so selfish for writing this out but I want to put him to bed at night and then be done with parenting for a little while. If he needs milk in the middle of the night, fine, but waking up at 10:20 every night and then every two hours after that is just too much. I've been working on settling him down without milk when he first wakes. Sometimes that works until midnight or 2am, but he's back up at 5 wanting milk and he is up for the day at 6. I'm averaging 4-5 hours of sleep - not all in one go mind you - every night. It's just not enough. A LOT of my IRL friends don't struggle with this issue, which makes me feel more inadequate.
Crying it out doesn't work.
Rocking him to sleep nets three-five hours sleep though a five hour stretch is a rarity.
Giving milk once a night doesn't work.
Bringing him to bed with us only works half the time, and I would rather not bed share.
Offering comfort items doesn't work.
I don't think it's a diet thing. He's dairy, wheat, egg and nut free.
We're trying the chiropractor next. We just don't know what else to do.
We are so tired. And I'm worried I've unintentionally set him up for a lifetime of sleep problems.
I'm just really overwhelmed right now. Tired, frustrated, a bit sad too.
I'm still eating chocolate chips. I should probably go to bed.