Saturday, September 15, 2012

one year

My mom stayed with us last nigh so I could get a decent amount of sleep. Bennett slept all night and is still sleeping now. I woke up at 5:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. Isn't that just how it goes?

I don't want to make today about Charlotte. It's Bennett's first birthday party. It's a chance to celebrate him. I miss her though. Her first birthday was a memorial service of sorts. How different it is to plan a party and bake cakes with a naked little boy toddling around the house getting into everything and making the execution of every small task difficult.

The house is quiet. Isabel is sleeping at my feet. And I just need to take a moment to imagine a little girl asleep in the next room. She would spend her day jealous of the attention showered on her little brother. She would pitch a fit, perhaps. She has a fiery spirit. It's that red hair. Those curls. She would be vibrant and loud and present ...

I can't quite make my mind go there. It's been too long. I have settled into the fact of her absence. It is becoming more and more difficult to conjure a life for her. But him -

oh, he lives and breathes and frustrates and delights and I am stunned we have had him an entire year.

1 comment:

  1. I can't help but "go there." My son Jack was still born just six weeks ago. Everything is still too real, too raw. He should be sleeping in my arms while I watch trashy TV and snooze; I shouldn't be sobbing while I read about other losses. I'm in awe of others that had rainbow babies and are actually living again. Thank you for giving me hope.


thank you!


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