Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I could write you a thousand letters; none would be returned


This is a heavy, heavy month. Heavy month, heavy heart.

I wrote Charlotte a letter last night. I haven't done that in so long, but felt like I needed to. I was having one of those stunned moments when I couldn't believe that this is really my life.

I was pregnant for 38 weeks. I labored for 26 hours. How can all of the work and hope and prayer and preparation end in death? And why am I still trying to make sense of it?

My grief is weighted. It feels like I'm trying to stand up, but I can't because there is something holding me down. I just want to lie still for a while and grieve. I miss her because of life. Because I've had to go on, and part of the going on is holding new babies and tending to her brother and realizing that she stopped - her breath forever stilled in her chest - while the world and my breath and life continued spinning.

It defies reason, but I keep trying to make sense of it. I actually had a moment the other day when I thought, "if she's safe and alive somewhere else, that's fine. If they were mistaken, if she wasn't really dead, but somehow there was a mix up and she went home with someone else, that's fine. At least she's living somewhere." Then the reminder of her ashes in the living room at home slammed my wishes into the concrete of reality where they shattered and scattered. And there they will remain until I pick them up again with futile, longing hope.

Dear, darling, baby mine, I miss you.

4 comments:

  1. I remember thinking that soon after Aidan died. If he could only be alive, it would be okay if I could never see him again. If he could be raised by some other family, out there somewhere, it would make my heart happy just to know he was alive and well even if he wasn't with me.

    I still wish that.

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  2. I'm feeling the weight of grief today too.

    Love to you, Charlotte, Bennett and J.

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  3. Much love to you mama.... grief sucks and the realization of loss every day really really sucks - some days more than others....thinking of you this month and always <3

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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