We'd been on the road fifteen minutes when I realized I left our lunch at home. I thought about turning around, but knew I didn't have time if we wanted to make our appointment. I had a (fasting) blood draw and doctor appointment at 10:00 at a clinic 45 minutes from home. I knew I would be hungry, as would B, when the appointment ended. I panicked. I couldn't think straight. I drove all the way to my exit (about 25 minutes) with possibilities and plans running through my mind before remembering we were going to a town with many grocery stores, including two health food stores.
Our naturopath hasn't seen Bennett for a while. This appointment wasn't for him, but when she saw him she asked how he was. I gave my usual spiel, happy, healthy, but small.
"How much does Bennett weigh now?" she asked.
"Just over 17 lbs."
"And he's how many months?"
"16 yesterday."
She crouched next to the stroller and looked him over. "You know I'm all about small babies being normal and healthy. You know I think there is a wide range of healthy weights." I nodded as she stood up and turned to face me. "But this - 17 lbs at 16 months - is concerning. I'm totally with your pediatrician on this one."
A parent's heart briefly stops any time someone connects the words 'concerning' and 'your child' to form a bridge of possible problems. As a parent who has lost a baby my heart briefly stops, then I tumble down the baby loss PTSD rabbit hole, which is not a fun place to visit, or reside.
"Well it's so hard with all of his allergies." I listed them out, which sent her eyebrows shooting upwards. "And his pediatrician doesn't really believe me when I tell her he has this many allergies."
"Of course she doesn't. It's because she doesn't want him to be allergic to so many things. I don't want it either. That's a very long list. Bring him in to me after Hawaii. I think we can do something about this. I think we can help."
"That would be great! I would much rather have this than not have it, you know? I mean rather this than nothing ..." I trailed off as she nodded her head.
"I know. I know. But it's challenging too."
After the appointment we went to the bookstore where I used to work. My original plan was to eat lunch in the car at the park, play for a little while, head to the bookstore then head home. Instead we bought Bennett fruit and snacks at the health food store, walked over to the bookstore, then walked to a local pizza place so I could have a slice. It worked out just fine. I didn't need to panic about feeding him for twenty-five minutes. It made me a little sad to walk around town with him though. I used to look out the windows of the bookstore and imagine strolling the streets with my Charlotte.
When we finished lunch I could tell Bennett had more energy to burn off so I took him to the allergen friendly bakery in McMinnville. He had his first doughnut (well half) then played for a good long while before I loaded him back in the car for home.
Driving home I almost cried. I feel like having a little one with allergies would be easier for some mamas. Like they would go with the flow, become amazing chefs and handle it all with ease. Their little would be fat and sassy even with a long list of allergies. They would be so darn grateful for a living child they wouldn't mind a little food related stress.
I hope our naturopath can help. I hope there might be an answer. Or a better way of coping. I feel really lost and overwhelmed right now as we transition off breast milk. A new allergy seems to crop up every day. It's hard. It's challenging. It's sad to watch Bennett scratch his stomach, neck and head and know I'm doing everything I can think of to prevent his discomfort and still not succeeding.
I get this pit in my stomach every time someone says, "He's small." My heart drops every time a doctor looks him up and down and frowns. Realizing that hitting developmental milestones may not be enough anymore makes me sad. J and I have gone back and forth for a little while on what to do and how to cope. We know we need to do more. We know the pediatrician is close to pushing for a solution. I know it's not a big problem and I know it's a manageable problem, but here in the thick of it, it seems huge, overwhelming and complicated.
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7 comments:
Angela, I want to share with & encourage you that some children are truly just small, no matter what!!!! You & J appear on the small side from the pics I've seen. And my husband and I are the same way. Many times our kids size is just the product of genetics.
My heavenly son was my 5th child. My youngest, 6th, will be 18 months old on the 13th. And she is under 14lbs, FINALLY got into 3-6 month clothes, wears a size 1 diaper and is very much on target or ahead developmentally (walking at 10 months even when she wasn't even 10lbs). And guess what, all my other kids were the same way. When my oldest, twins, were babies, my Dr freaked out due to their small size & put them through SOOO much testing. They never found a reason for their small size. My Dr changed his view & said as long as they aren't losing weight & are on target developmentally, he wouldn't worry.
I know hard it is to try & not worry as a baby loss mom. I still do. But try not to let it consume you. If you feel B is doing ok with his size, then he mostly is. He looks proportionate & healthy. :) (((hugs)))
Yikes, excuse the typos... *most likely is fine*.
And just for another perspective, my 11 1/2 year old is only 48lbs. My girls will someday be thankful to be petite I'm sure. ;)
I think your stress about this is completely understandable and well-placed. If that makes sense. I just mean, you're not overreacting and you don't need to apologize or feel guilty for being worried and frustrated and even annoyed that it has to be this hard. I mean, you face a daily and ongoing obstacle that makes it challenging for you to do the basic thing that all mamas want to do: feed the baby! I think you are doing an amazing job, but I also hope that you're able to get some more help and support--if nothing else, just so you have the assurance that what you're doing is just fine.
I don't know if it's any comfort to you, but if you lived in the UK, B would still be above the 0% on the growth chart. Maybe we do things differently here - certainly, my US-based pregnancy book told me I should be weighing myself throughout pregnancy and worrying about not gaining weight (I weighed the same at 9 months preg as I did at conception!). My high-risk OB was unconcerned - I was healthy, baby was healthy, no problem. B does not look undernourished and he sounds like he has plenty energy. I think getting him comfortable and not itchy is the main thing - as the daughter of a statistician, I have my doubts about the charts (they're about other people, not you, and they're retrospective - I've also heard they are based on bottle-fed babies, who tend to weigh a bit more anyway). It must be really tough for you - you've been through such a lot and probably have a bone-deep weariness from life pre-B, never mid the stresses of dealing with allergies. No mama finds it easy to see their little one distressed. You sound to me like you're doing a great job! And my 2 year old is wearing a pair of 12-18 month pyjamas that are enormous on him.
Hugs! I know how hard this is for you. I also know you are an amazing mom and you will handle everything that comes your way, even though it presents huge stresses. Bennett looks super healthy and active to me, but when you have multiple docs telling you it's time to look further into things, that's certainly something to think about. We're about to do some testing for Eliyana for food allergies and I really wish I'd done this when she was Bennett's age - she's definitely small and although that might be genetics (I'm certainly not a giant) I think it's soooo important to try and manage food allergies early in life, like you are doing. Ultimately Bennett will be so much healthier and happier for your efforts, even though it's really tough. I know you are more than aware of the benefits of probiotics and I can't remember if B has ever taken them, but they've been amazing for Eliyana. She used to get tummy aches and weird pains and the probiotics have stopped 99 percent of all those from happening. Hang in there!!
Angela, I am sorry poor Bennett has so many allergies. I really can't imagine trying to feed a kiddo like that! Obviously, I don't see him in person, but from the photos you post he looks so healthy and vibrant and full of spunk. There are lots of pediatricians out there, if you aren't seeing eye to eye with Bennett's doctor, I would look elsewhere. Doing something to help with the itching would be wonderful, and hopefully the naturopath can help you.
Hey there! I'm with the other comments, that it sounds like you're keeping him healthy and happy, and he's small. Of course I'm a bit defensive because I have worried about Allie's weight (20ish lbs at 19 months), but I try not to because it is what it is. I keep reminding myself that what I've read and heard is that babies/toddlers/kids are great at self-regulating and won't let themselves starve! And of course I'm curious what your doctor's "solution" would be? And I haven't read it yet, but I've been told there's a good book out there called "My Kid Won't Eat" by a doctor in Spain. If you need any reassurance, bit might be worth a read.
XOXO
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