Saturday, January 5, 2013
I can barely move this morning. My neck hurts. My back aches. I'm tired. I'm grumpy. I have a headache. Lately sleep has been fractured, split into pieces, disturbed. J is still sleeping downstairs. He came up one night, but B was so restless he couldn't get any sleep. B was doing so well for a little while. He would go down in his crib, sleep until 2 or 3, then come in with us. It felt like a good compromise. It was working for everyone. Then we all got sick and he needed us all night every night. Now he starts in his crib, but only goes down for a couple hours before wanting to come in with me.
B loves his people. B loves mama and daddy and he loves to have us nearby. He doesn't just like sleeping in our bed, he likes sleeping on me. Which is why my neck and back hurt all of the time. Which is why I don't sleep well. Having B tucked up under my chin is cozy and sweet, but it's not very comfortable.
We are, once again, in a place of needing to do something, but we have no idea what to do. Our plan is to wait until we get home from Hawaii, because that is going to disrupt schedules something awful, but we don't have a clue of what to do.
I've written about sleep so many times. And I've been told to try this or that book, or this or that method, but nothing seems to work. We get B on a good schedule, everyone's happy, but it only lasts a little while. The rashes are definitely part of our problem. He has had rashes on and off his entire life. Being itchy is a common state of being for B, which I hate. We've definitely developed skills to deal with his rashes, and we've been able to control them better now that we understand his allergies, but he still rashes. Sometimes it seems like he is allergic to the air. Seriously.
I am hesitant to write about sleep (again) because it feels like I'm putting a foot across that do not complain line all baby loss mamas draw. I admire the ones who can stick to it, because I just can't. I have to vent a little. I have to say, this is hard, I'm tired and unsure of what to do. And my counselor told me it's okay to complain a little because it's impossible to feel grateful for Bennett every hour of every day.
Sometimes I just want to be a normal mom. One who can say, "My kid won't sleep" without adding, "but I'm so lucky!", "I don't mind!", "I'm just glad he's healthy!" I think one can complain without wishing their child away, but it's hard to do so without feeling guilty. Truth is, I would be absolutely fine with Charlotte tucked up under my chin. I would take that over her being gone. Of course I would. But she's not here, and I have to find a way to comfortably parent with this altered mama self she left behind. And this mama wishes her little would sleep through the night in his crib.