That's where I go during times like this. Moments when B is ill and I'm exhausted. Down that PTSD rabbit hole where babies get sick and don't recover. Where every simple illness is death in disguise. J takes it in stride while I fret and try not to cry.
The doctor said he's okay. We are to continue on the course set forth by the naturopath. Keep him hydrated, keep him comfortable, breastfeed. When we arrived home and he threw up less than two minutes after nursing I nearly called the doctor in a panic. I feel so ill equipped in situations like this. I want another adult present at all times because I don't feel capable. I can't believe I'm mama and therefore I'm supposed to know what to do. And apparently crying in the corner until J comes home is not a recommended course.
B has dropped to 16.8 lbs. He was 17.5 lbs in December. 17.1 on Thursday. The doctor we saw today - B's pediatrician - said she's glad we're working with a naturopath because she doesn't know how to help. We have one month to turn things around. If he doesn't gain weight it will be time to run tests. Every doctor we see says, "I have no problem with small babies but this, but this ..." Then they look at his chart and frown.
And all of those frowns hurt just a little because I'm his mama and helping him grow via good nutrition is basic, but I can't seem to manage it. And all these worries roll off J because he has a daddy soul. And those daddy souls are sensitive, but strong, while mama souls are more jumbled, full of ribbon and steel, easily punctured by words and perceptions.
This is day five. I haven't slept well for nearly a week. I am trying to breathe and rest in Jesus.
Isaiah 41:10
fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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14 comments:
(((hugs))) I know how hard it is to see your rainbow baby sick & get scared. Mine just got over pneumonia. And I wanted to reassure you on the weight, my 19 month old is 14lbs 2oz, 27", in 6 months clothes & size 1 diaper (she dropped about half a pound from being sick). She is my 6th and they have all been tiny. Running tests to check for things doesn't hurt (we've done that) BUT you are ultimately mom and can call the final shots. Some kids are meant to be small. B is small but not terribly tiny. I'm sure all his allergies & limited diet play a part in his slow gain. Hang in there!!!
Bless your heart. It's hard to trust, but you are the BEST momma for your little babe. He's small, but mighty. Little ones are resilient and you'll all pull through. I know it's hard to see through this.
I have been following and realize how concerned you are....rightfully so. I will pray tonight for you and for your precious B...
Blessings...
Once upon a time I read a study that said slower growth meant a longer life. I wish I remembered how to find it for you.
God will guide you through this. B is His child first. God chose you as His mother- He makes no mistakes! Even though you are tired, listen for Gods guidance and comfort. He will encourage you to take the steps that he has planned for you and Bennet.
I will pray for you to hear Him more clearly.
-Sadie
Hang in there. I hope B feels better soon! Then you can focus on sleep and calories. You are so clearly a wonderful mama!
A friend reminded me of another verse from Isaiah (30:18), about waiting: "Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him." He is waiting with you. Praying that B recovers from illness and then starts to put on the pounds, so that you can feel some relief. It always seems darker during the hard moments, especially when the sleep deprivation kicks in. Hang in there, mama. Trust yourself and be gentle to yourself.
I couldn't read and not comment. I am sending you hugs, prayer and strength. Parenting is hard and even more challenging when you are a baby-loss mom. Please know that G-d is there protecting you and B. Be strong. YOU ARE A FANTASTIC, AWESOME< INCREDIBLE, LOVING mom!!!!
I live in that world (where every sneeze is a foray into grieving and loss) too and it's terrifying.
You are a wonderful mother and I hope this gets sorted soon.
I am holding you and little B in my thoughts. I remember how stressful it was when Sunshine didn't gain weight, and that was without illness and before I lost Aiden. I can't imagine dealing with that now. You are a fantastic mommy and doing all you can. Go ahead and cry in the corner, Bennett won't notice. Take care of yourself too and remember you have lots of people who care that are thinking of you.
Breathe in
, breathe out. Repeat. Even if your sweet little boy needs tests done, you will face it with the fierce mama love I know you have for your children. Challenge and change is so much a part of living life and parenting. He is so loved and in all the pictures you can see him flourishing and what a beautiful child you have! Find your peace in moments when you can change things and try not to worry when you don't have answer, it can't help you, it only serves as a way for us to continue to suffer, truly. Peace to you
Sending love and prayers friend.
Lots.
xoxo
Oh, golly. There is nothing more stressful than a sick kid. One sick little plus one grieving mama equals rabbit holes galore. I found your blog through the windy city wilson site - and I'm so sorry that you are facing this challenge. I wish that I knew the right magic words of comfort or reassurance, because I do know that the nerves and anxiety brought on by grief are sometimes unbearable. I pray that you do find comfort, though, and that B will start growing big and strong. <3
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your post breaks my heart. I know the worry you experience when your child is sick, even briefly. You are doing everything you can to help him and you are an amazing mom. Don't ever doubt your abilities. I hope you will get some answers and comfort soon.
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