for charlotte

I was shopping at Target on Saturday when I spotted a mug on the clearance shelf. It was a sweet little mug with a bird on each side. I bought it because it reminded me of Charlotte. I don't often find things that remind me of Charlotte, but I fell in love with that mug.

When I arrived home I had a message from a friend who makes beautiful jewelry. She wanted to know if it would be okay to make a necklace in honor of Charlotte and sell it in her Etsy shop, The Jovi Lyne Collection. $10 from each necklace would go to a baby loss charity of my choice (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) AND I would be gifted a necklace.

It was one of those strange moments when I swear Charlotte is near. When I can sense her darting past me, a shadow with breath. If I could just make the world slow down for a second I would see her. The mug, the necklace, little items that coalesced into one big Charlotte day.

Honestly, truly, I don't think of her as often as I used to. We're approaching three years and while she is always a part of me her memory is not as heavy as it used to be. I no longer feel like I'm dragging her with me everywhere I go. My grief is a little more comfortable these days. It's become part of my walk, my story, my heart. I don't have to shout about it because those who need to know do. It's very different than how it used to be, back in the beginning, when I wandered around shouting grief and pain at anyone who dared cross my path.

Losing my daughter is quiet and integrated (but not accepted, no never accepted, I don't believe in that stage of grief) and so much a part of me I'm no longer trying to wrestle the idea to the ground and choke it until it somehow spits out my Charlotte whole and breathing. And then a day like Saturday comes along and it's like Charlotte comes roaring forth from the comfortable spot to reside in a more prominent part of my memory for a while. It throws me off, unsettles me a little, but in the murky waters of my unsettled soul is a whole lot of gratitude for those who wish, and strive, to remember her.

If you want to buy this necklace in memory of my girl and to support Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep GO HERE. If you would like a necklace made that reminds you of your lost babe contact Joellen via her Etsy shop for pricing and details. Just go check out her shop. I love her piec

I was setting up a shot when B asked to be picked up. He pointed at the necklace, asking what it was. I leaned in to talk to him and lifted the necklace to explain. Not the shot I was going for, but beautiful in its depiction of my life with one child here and one gone.

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