Monday, August 12, 2013
when it's all said and done, just who will you be?
We had the 28 week appointment today followed by an informal hospital tour. We talked about the upcoming ultrasound at 32 weeks to check growth, biophysical profile tests, non-stress tests, pulse ox, and how it's already time to come in every two weeks for appointments. I can't believe I'm far enough along to be thinking about all of this.
I like the quick hospital tours with a nurse (Bennett's pregnancy) or midwife (this pregnancy). I have to know where to go and what to expect, but I don't want to join a group of expectant parents. I don't belong in that group. I'm awkward to have around, especially for first time parents.
And speaking of not belonging ... I'm part of an online group of naturally minded moms where everyone recently shared pictures of their little ones. That tripped me up for a while. I wasn't sure how to share about Charlotte, but I wasn't comfortable leaving her out. Most of the moms know about the loss so it's not like I was sharing new information, but it's still hard to figure out how Charlotte fits in. Eventually I shared a picture of Bennett and mentioned we have two girls as well - one in heaven, one due at the end of October.
Now that thought brings me back to the 28 week appointment wherein I asked about going past 40 weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about the matter. I know a lot of people who do and everything is just fine, but I also know a lot of stories from the other side as well. I don't think I'll feel comfortable going past 40 weeks, but I don't want to be induced either. I went through this same issue with Bennett, but was told going past 40 was not a wise idea. And then I ended up losing my mind and begging to be induced long before 40 weeks came around. Hopefully this one comes early like her siblings and it will be a non-issue.
And that little paragraph brings me back to all of the natural minded moms I know and how strange I feel in their world. I don't feel completely comfortable in the medical world, but there is enough of me planted in the loss world to feel wary and a little panicked by the natural minded world. After Charlotte died trying to find my place in these disparate worlds has been a continual stretching process.
I remember feeling this way at the end of Bennett's pregnancy. Lost. Panicked. Reluctant to read or hear anything about overdue, or not quite due, or laboring mamas. Really uncomfortable in my "natural moms" groups. It's like I hit the third trimester and the "panic about everything" button in my brain gets flipped. I feel alone, but I don't want to spend time with people. I feel like no one understands me or what I'm feeling. Kick counts make me nervous, and realizing I haven't really noticed the baby moving all day sends me into an ice water drinking, sobbing, side lying mess, but when I think of having to get the baby out and all that entails ... oh dear Lord. My mind is constantly flipping between "get the baby out!" and "leave the baby in!" I just want it to be over. I just want to know how it ends.
I'm always going to feel like I can't be wholly myself in any world. I'm way too fragmented from all that has happened to exist perfectly in one place. It's been hard for me to let go of my original thoughts and ideas about birth, but when standing in the hospital room this afternoon I realized this is how it is now. It's not perfect, it's not what I want, but if that hospital and those caregivers get my baby here safely I can let go of what I hoped for when I initially thought about birth.
So here I am. 28 weeks with baby #3. Preparing for the onslaught of appointments that come at the end. Hoping for calm. Praying for peace. Feeling more unsettled than I'd like. Wondering where I'll be, and who I'll be, after this one is born.