Sunday, September 29, 2013
taking a step back
It's almost October which means Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month is nearly upon us. This year my focus is not infant loss, or death, or Charlotte. This October is about birth, growing our family and reaching the beginning of our little girl's life without losing my every loving mind - or driving J over the edge with my crazy.
Sometimes I have to barricade myself from the origins of my motherhood story to survive. It's hard to admit because it seems to speak of a lack somewhere within me, but I can't combine the intense grieving that comes with remembrance ceremonies or other October events with everything else that is going on. There is already a lot of grief rising to the surface, I can't afford to seek out more.
I will go to my grief share meeting this month. I will probably go to the small remembrance ceremony here in town because it will be low key and quiet. But I won't be attending the event I went to in Portland last year. I don't like feeling as if I'm doing less for Charlotte, but the truth is I'll always be doing less for her. That's the nature of having a dead baby. It's a harsh reality I come up against every time I find myself turning away from what happened so I can preserve what is.
It's hard to say, "I can't do this," or "I can't think about this," but it's good for me to do so. I really want to be happy about this baby. I want to anticipate her birth. I want to finally feel connected to her. I don't know if it's possible to do so before she is born - I feel a canyon between us though I carry her within me - but if these are to be my last four weeks with her I want to be grateful for them. Even as I hurt. Even as I wake up at 3 in the morning, in too much pain to sleep any longer. Even as I long for this pregnancy to end I want to be grateful for the fact that she exists.
I'll write here as I feel the need to, but I think October is going to be pretty quiet. Sometimes I think "oh, I should blog!" but that really isn't the case. I don't make any money off the blog, and I don't have advertisers counting on me, so there's no reason to keep up with things. It's just my place to write things out and there isn't much left to say that hasn't already been said.
Of course I'll share when baby girl is born. I have a feeling she will be here mid-October, but I could be very, very wrong. Instagram (@angelarodman) and Facebook will be the first places I update, so if you don't follow me there you may want to. I'll post about appointments there too. I know there are a lot of people thinking about us as we wait to meet our third child. Thank you for the support and prayers. If you want to send chocolate to get me through the next few weeks I'll gladly accept it, just email me and I'll let you know where to send it :)