That is exactly it.
I don't care.
I feel blank. Just ... blank.
Finishing up the Christmas shopping.
Thinking about prepping for holiday meals.
Don't care, don't care, don't care.
I should be grateful - period - to have Ainsleigh here this Christmas, but there are things that did not come up when B was born that are coming up now and I am smack in the middle of it and it sucks.
We were out to dinner tonight and a woman walking through the restaurant caught my eye. It took me a moment to realize she was looking at me because I had been staring at her. I wasn't seeing her though. I was staring off into space, eyes glazed over, mind empty, doing nothing other than breathing; putting forth minimum effort to survive. And when I forced myself to be present I remembered: that's how it was immediately after Charlotte died. That other worldly sensation of being alive, but so far removed from everyone else it's like your body is walking around but your soul is taking a break until the pain eases up a little and you don't have to work so hard just to be.
I'm afraid if you are reading this you may worry about the state of my mental health, but I really think this is just seasonal. Every moment isn't bad. I can still laugh and enjoy life. I just put all of the sadness here in an attempt to shake it loose. As B would say, "get it out!!"
Maybe if I get it out, it will stay out. Maybe I can switch from I don't care to life is beautiful and sweet.