Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I don't care


That is exactly it.

I don't care.

I feel blank. Just ... blank.

Wrapping presents.

Finishing up the Christmas shopping.

Thinking about prepping for holiday meals.

Don't care, don't care, don't care.

I should be grateful - period - to have Ainsleigh here this Christmas, but there are things that did not come up when B was born that are coming up now and I am smack in the middle of it and it sucks.


This does not feel like postpartum depression. After B was born I felt CA-RAY-ZEEEEEE. In January after he was born I finally began counseling because I wasn't functioning. This doesn't feel like that. I'm functioning, but I feel really disconnected.

We were out to dinner tonight and a woman walking through the restaurant caught my eye. It took me a moment to realize she was looking at me because I had been staring at her. I wasn't seeing her though. I was staring off into space, eyes glazed over, mind empty, doing nothing other than breathing; putting forth minimum effort to survive. And when I forced myself to be present I remembered: that's how it was immediately after Charlotte died. That other worldly sensation of being alive, but so far removed from everyone else it's like your body is walking around but your soul is taking a break until the pain eases up a little and you don't have to work so hard just to be.

I'm afraid if you are reading this you may worry about the state of my mental health, but I really think this is just seasonal. Every moment isn't bad. I can still laugh and enjoy life. I just put all of the sadness here in an attempt to shake it loose. As B would say, "get it out!!" 

Maybe if I get it out, it will stay out. Maybe I can switch from I don't care to life is beautiful and sweet.





8 comments:

  1. Your post title really grabbed me, and I wish I could hug you and talk with you in person about it. I felt very similarly after Evie was born. I struggled with depression. Probably for the first time ever. Those first few months of having her in our home brought so many deep, raw and conflicting emotions. Sending hugs to you. xxxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your comment. It helps to know I'm not the only one who has struggled.

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  2. Just because it doesn't feel like when B was born, doesn't mean it isn't something. As every pregnancy is different, I'm sure post-partum depression can be different too. Not trying to diagnose you because I'm not qualified to do that, but I hope you can talk to somebody.

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    Replies
    1. I do have someone I talk to, thank you.

      Delete
  3. I like the picture of you holding your babes with the smile on your face. I hope you will find as you look back on these moments when this fog lifts that the smile reminds you of the joy you felt. I am pregnant with my rainbow. Oftentimes I feel exactly as you described like my body is walking around but my soul is taking a break. But a few weeks ago someone showed me a picture they had taken of me at an event. I was in awe to see myself smiling because at the event I had felt heaviness and uncertainity. I told the person that I was glad she had captured a picture of myself smiling because I don't always FEEL myself smile. There was joy at the event, my smile was captured, and I can remember the joy over the emptiness as I look at the photo. I hope that makes sense. Yes this is only a season be easy on yourself.

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  4. I like the picture of you holding your babes with the smile on your face. I hope you will find as you look back on these moments when this fog lifts that the smile reminds you of the joy you felt. I am pregnant with my rainbow. Oftentimes I feel exactly as you described like my body is walking around but my soul is taking a break. But a few weeks ago someone showed me a picture they had taken of me at an event. I was in awe to see myself smiling because at the event I had felt heaviness and uncertainity. I told the person that I was glad she had captured a picture of myself smiling because I don't always FEEL myself smile. There was joy at the event, my smile was captured, and I can remember the joy over the emptiness as I look at the photo. I hope that makes sense. Yes this is only a season be easy on yourself.

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  5. Beautiful picture holding your youngest babies. I'm sorry things are so hard and disconnected right now. xoxo

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  6. Your babies are adorable. As I struggled longer and longer with my ppd, I realized I felt very numb. I didn't care about anything. I was just going through the motions each day. Anyway, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I hope it gets better soon.

    Katie @ Being Dawson's Mom

    ReplyDelete

thank you!

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