Thursday, March 24, 2016

spring - six years after


I'm restless. I'm grumpy. I don't want to do anything. Or be around anyone. I can't settle down to a task. I read a few pages, then put the book down to start a load of laundry. I tidy one room, then give up because it will just be messy again in a few minutes. It takes me days to realize it's the end of March, and that's really what's affecting me.

Easter is in a few days. It's early this year, but I'm still thrown. This is the downturn. The spiral into grief, the drop in all productivity. Suddenly it makes sense to watch The Bachelor, even though I haven't watched the show in years, and don't find the majority of it enjoyable. And it makes sense to listen to songs I haven't wanted to hear for years. And it makes sense to walk around in a rage storm because everything feels meaningless without her.

Every year I think it's going to be better. Every year I think maybe I'll make it to May before it becomes so hard to function, but it's like the first day of spring flips a switch in my brain and body.

6 years.

It's going to take me a while to wrap my mind around that. And maybe that's what the problem is: every year I'm floored by the number. I need time to process how another year without my firstborn has passed.

But there isn't time. There's laundry to do, and faces to wash, and meals to prepare, and preschool, and a house to paint, and projects to complete, and life happening. Just now both kids have pulled up chairs next to me to ask what I'm doing, and get involved.

It's good to have interruption and distraction, but sometimes I want four solid weeks to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and wait for the darkness to pass.

How are we doing fellow year six moms? How about you who are on the first year? Or the eighth? How is your grief today?

4 comments:

  1. The number also always throws me for a loop. It's like it's inconceivable that time has moved without them here. The cloudy days after unproductive, and I feel more irritable. Pretty similar to how you're feeling, I guess. I'm often surprised that is still so hard, so fresh some days. Love to you, my beautiful friend. Here's to moving through the next couple of months.

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  2. I keep expecting somehow that it will get easier or better, but it doesn't really. There's the busy and the distractions and the intensity of the first year has shifted and pulled back, but the ache under everything is unchanging. For me, it's also in the weeks/months leading up to her birthday. Thinking of you.

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  3. Oh I could have written this myself. The last two weeks I've lacked all motivation to do life at all. And Im tired of being around everyone, tired of taking care of my living kids. I want space; space and time and nothingness to just sit and remember Caleb. He died the weekend before Easter. Since the date moves each year I feel like I have two anniversaries to live through-Easter (whenever it falls) and then his actual birthday in April. Just trying to hold on one day at a time. Going to visit his grave tomorrow on Good Friday. Haven't been there since last summer, hoping to find peace or at least a little more of "him" than Im finding these days. 5 years since I held him, 5 long years. Thank you friend for speaking to my heart!

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  4. While I'm not at 6 years since losing my firstborn child, I am at 4 years, spring hits me like a ton of bricks every year too. You phrased it so well. How nice it would be to have four weeks to hide away in the covers. My son, Alfy, was stillborn on April 6, but it also happened to be Good Friday that year. So, Good Friday, Easter and everything associated with it, along with spring weather and his actual birthday seem to be multiple triggers/anniversaries that cause extraordinary amounts of stress. Thank you for writing your words. I can completely relate to them.

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thank you!

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