Friday, February 10, 2017
living without answers
I feel like we are doing the up, down, loop around roller coaster ride with our boy B and his food issues all day every day. Every time I think, we've got this! we reach a crest and plummet to a low, low place once again.
I was waiting to fall asleep last night, alternating between thinking about B's food issues and praying, when I realized a lot of my parenting life has taken place in the land of zero answers. (Isn't that true for all parents? We have no idea what we're doing, right?!)
Why did Charlotte die?
The answer hasn't been revealed to us.
Why does Bennett have food issues? What exactly are his food issues? What is the base problem?
The answers haven't been revealed to us.
Why was Ainsleigh born with hearing loss in one ear?
The answer hasn't been revealed to us.
With all of these questions I want the resolution that answers bring. I want that big hallelujah moment when all is revealed and everything makes sense, but the tricky thing about revelations and answers is that we often don't get to know everything this side of heaven.
The lingering questions about the girls I am mostly sort-of kind-of okay with not having answers for. I've done a lot of grief work since Charlotte died and most days I can live with the unanswered questions that surround her birth and death. As for Ainsleigh, her situation is not ideal, but it's manageable and she's not noticeably delayed, so I'm not overly concerned about what exactly happened during her gestation to cause her hearing loss.
But what do I do if the Praise Jesus he's healed moment!! doesn't come around for years, or at all, for my boy? What if we're ten years out and B is still battling food issues and we're still riding that roller coaster? What does that look like? How do I cope? Will I still be hanging on to faith and hope and believing that God has my B and his life in the palm of His hands?
I'd like to say I will, but in the same breath I have to admit I cannot fathom ten more years like this. It doesn't feel sustainable, BUT I don't have to go forward on my own power. I just have to keep handing the problem over and asking for help as each new day and challenge arises.
I've been learning a lot about myself lately (therapy will do that to you) and how and why what is happening around me has landed me in this place of barely coping. And I've had to rely on God to get me through each day because I literally cannot. It's been very stretching and challenging and I don't like it AT ALL, but my brain is kind-of broken - not to mention my heart - and if I can fix myself now (with a whole lot of help) maybe that + Jesus is how I get through this time of waiting and hoping for healing that could go on for years.
The good great thank you Jesus news in all of this is that we get to shed these troublesome earthly bodies some day and be completely whole and healed in heaven if we accept Christ into our lives and hearts and allow him to change and shape us. That is good news! I'm excited! But my kids haven't made that step yet, so I need to model Christ for them and introduce them to the Bible and take them to church and show them the way. It is hard to witness B in pain, clutching his stomach, but there is so much light and hope in being able to be with him in the moment and say, this will not last forever. I promise. It might not abate until heaven, but if you believe in the Lord and ask him into your life it WILL abate then.
Though life may feel dark and heavy now the Praise Jesus moment will come. It might not come when we want it to (likely it won't) and our pain and sorrow may last longer than we think we can endure, but God promises he will wipe every tear and take away our sorrow and that we will be whole with Him in heaven. Holding on to that promise is how I am going to make it through each day while I ride the roller coaster with my B and wait for answers and healing.