Little Bird

flu!

2012-01-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

Dear, dear, dear me. I have a wicked case of the flu, made worse by the fact that I am exclusively breastfeeding. I hope the dehydration doesn't cause milk issues. I can't keep a thing down, not even water. I wish I had milk in the freezer. Every time my sweet boy settles in to nurse the weight of his body against my stomach makes for a dicey situation. I hate flu! And I hope I don't get B sick, he's been sleeping in our bed the past two nights. It was either that or no sleep all round.

This will have to be a short post. I can't manage much right now.

Send love, please, I don't do illness well.

everything but the kitchen sink ...

2012-01-28T20:28:00.000-08:00

B's rash seems to be clearing up. Thank goodness. I bet you are so sick of rash updates and complaints. I must share a couple rash related pictures, and then we will speak of it no more (I hope).

Oatmeal bath

Lotions, herbs, creams and a baby hand

Other than the nastiness we will no longer discuss, life has been good lately. There's been some sadness, but that's a constant, it is always near.

Our wonderful neighborhood friend is letting us borrow (and maybe keep?) her Ergo. Oh my good gracious I love it! I have a sling and wrap, but I don't have baby wearing skills and Bennett doesn't have baby wearing patience. He would much rather be on the floor, kicking, spinning and scooting. To master slings and wraps I think you have to be crafty, and know how to braid hair. Neither skill is on my resume. The Ergo is so easy! I can put it on without feeling like I need hands, feet and mouth available. I have to put a blanket in the bottom so Bennett can look out (shorty), but that's an easy fix. And it has a little pocket in the front, which is perfect for my phone!!

Teething

Sleeping

Ergo and heels at a family event. Love how I stood right in front of the bathrooms for this shot - classy!

So I was messing around on the book the other day and I saw a reunion page for my high school. Ten years?! I thought, and then I asked to be friends with the page. It took three days to get a response, which took me right back to high school - lots of self-doubt. As soon as I was added I clicked on over and checked out the page. And was reminded that I didn't like the people I went to high school with. And realized I would NEVER go to a reunion. I doubt anyone would recognize me. I was the strange, quiet girl who dyed her hair blue, black, or purple and wore tons of bracelets and belts with studs (seriously) and read all the time and hung out with the teachers (seriously). And then I thought about accomplishments, what I've done since high school: I have two kids, one died, I blog a lot, I love being a stay at home mom ... And then I thought about Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion and how I would want to be the geek who showed up in a private helicopter (I think I'm remembering the correct movie). So, not going. No way. You know how I have major wardrobe crisis before any of J's work events? This would be that times a thousand. I'm not putting you through that.

This post kind-of got away from me. I really have no idea how I went from Ergo raves to a reunion rant. Since this post is already crazy long I'll make it a little longer with a few more Bennett pictures.

And goodnight!

1.27.12

2012-01-27T13:59:00.000-08:00

Bennett's rash is ever changing. He has small bumps all over his face now, which looks like acne. His legs and arms are better, less red, but we cannot control the itching. The Aveeno Eczema cream seems to be working, thank you to those who recommended it. However, after one lotion in the eye incident we wised up and use gentler products (herbs) on his face.

My mom stayed last night - as she does every Thursday - so I was able to sleep. We are going to search out something to control the itch this evening. Well, we're going to try. Attempting to find a product that controls the red rash, the bumps, and the itchiness is not fun, and may very well be impossible. The nursery is littered with lotion tubes, herbs, and jars of cream. I don't want to use too many products, but nothing works perfectly so we keep switching. I would just leave his skin alone but his doctor said the dry skin is permanently changing his composition. I don't even know what that means, but it sure freaked me out.

When he is super itchy and fussy, rubbing and clawing at his head, I put a wet washcloth over it so he will leave it alone. Unfortunately that dries his skin out more :(

He is wearing that ridiculously large bib because we were also told to keep the drool off him as much as possible. Easier said than done, doc.

His skin looks fine in most pictures ... in this one you can see some of the red, but not the little bumps. Kid looks rough.

If I could I would tell the rash, or dry skin, or whatever it is to GO AWAY. My poor sweet boy is sad and itchy and I'm afraid I can't make money off him now ... you know, if I ever get around to entering a baby photo contest.

In other completely unrelated news: went to lapsit storytime at the library today. I have the stupidest song in my head now: Six little ducks I once knew, fat ones, skinny ones, fair ones too ... Bennett laughed and drooled it up at storytime. He loves it to pieces.

heart full of sadness: part two

2012-01-26T20:02:00.000-08:00

At the dentist this morning:

How is the new baby?

He's great, thank you!

Bennett, right?

Wow, you have a good memory!

Thank you, I make an effort to remember these things.

She walks around, readying instruments, adjusting the chair. She sits.

How is Charlotte liking her little brother?

...

Charlotte was our first, the one who died.

Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you had three. A little girl, Charlotte, and Bennett.

No, no, just the two.

"What can you do in those moments when sadness is another element in the air, just as real as hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen? What can you do but simply sit there and breathe it in, feeling it in each long and heavy breath? - Lorna Landvik, Welcome to the Great Mysterious.

heart full of sadness

2012-01-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

It comes, lingers, fades, comes back stronger, leaves for so long I forget the knock me over undertow it carries. I don't know why it hurts so much right now. Well, I do. I think.

My life is all ease - baby, laughter, nights of sleep, nights with little sleep, you go to work, I'll stay home ... ease, ease, ease

And then

a reminder.

A simple, "any brothers or sisters?"

No. But yes!

I have two! One of each, the gold standard, right?

Only if they both live.

Oh. Never mind.

managing the fear -a blm link up

2012-01-25T13:43:00.000-08:00

There's a link up over on Finding My New Normal about pregnancy after loss, working through it and the fear that comes along.

My two cents:

Pregnancy after loss is not easy. In fact, it's really, really hard. I was so focused on conceiving the babe I didn't think about what came after: long weeks of doubt, worry, tears, bursts of happiness, lots and lots of doctor visits. Over and over again I got slammed by the hugeness of it all, by the idea that I had 40 weeks, give or take, to make it through.

Being pregnant again is a wonderful, wonderful thing, but it is also a time of extreme stress. Here's how I made it through:

- I tried not to look too far into the future. Honestly, I sucked at it, but I tried. Instead of thinking about making it to 40 weeks, I thought about the next doctor appointment, the first trimester, the second, the third, each trimester its own pocket in time to get through, reaching a point where I wasn't sick anymore ... etc. Trying to take it all down in one gulp is just too hard. I panicked repeatedly when I thought about the birth, so I thought about the next ultrasound or visit with my midwife instead.

- Build a good team. My second birth brought up a lot of trauma. The people I surrounded myself with as I brought Bennett into the world were carefully selected. I needed my husband. I needed my midwife. I needed my midwife's apprentice - goodness she's amazing - I needed the doctor, I even needed the hospital, though I would have liked to birth at home. I needed to be surrounded by people who could - and boy did they have to - talk me off the ledge, so to speak.

- Pray, meditate, visualize. My naturopath - Dr. B! - had me visualize a growing, healthy baby, playing with my baby, nursing my baby, holding my baby, etc. It was good for me to sit quietly every day and connect with Bennett. I didn't want to attach, I was afraid of losing another baby. Forcing myself to talk with and love on the baby in my belly was so good for me.

- Hypnobabies: I didn't use it during the birth, but the sessions were very useful throughout my pregnancy. I used the fear clearing, peaceful sleep, and joyful pregnancy affirmation tracks a lot. The fear clearing cd helped me make it through the last few weeks.

- Have fun. Celebrate. Be happy. You won't jinx the pregnancy. While pregnant with Bennett I did my best. I worried, but I tried not to let the worry become the focus.

- Cry, eat a lot of chocolate, cry, eat a cheeseburger, cry ...

That last one is a joke. Kind-of.

I won't say it will all be fine (once you have lost a baby that statement only incites rage) but I will encourage you to have hope and faith and to do your best to believe that all will be well.

severe dry skin

2012-01-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

Seriously. That's what the physician's assistant we saw this morning said. She used the words eczema and cradle cap, then said, "basically, he has severely dry skin."

I so didn't need to go in.

I so lost my mind over dry skin.

I so need to see a counselor. If you see one, how did you go about finding her - or him?

Using cornstarch on his diaper area and switching to Seventh Generation has helped the bottom rash. Considering cloth diapers. Go ahead, tell me what you use, why you love them. I'm listening. We are still battling rashy spots behind the knees, on his face, a bit on the chest, neck, and tons on his head. And to make matters worse, the boy drools all.day.long.

When we were at the birth center yesterday our midwife put calendula, chamomile and coconut oil into a salve for him. We are going to use that for now and if that doesn't work we'll move on, figure something else out. Love our midwife, love that whole center. We've been blessed a thousand times over by these women who have turned a job into a passion and a workplace into a home.

What a week!

There has been good news this week: my fourth! nephew was born safely last night. He is a sweet boy, his mama did a great job, my brother helping her to birth naturally like she wanted to.

And Bennett has learned how to push his bottom in the air while on his stomach. That's the beginning of a crawl!

He is also sitting!

And falling.

And grabbing his toes.

herbs, midwives, confusion

2012-01-23T17:25:00.000-08:00

We are still battling the rash. Bennett's skin looked much better this morning, this afternoon it's looking bad and spreading again. We spent the afternoon at the birth center. Our midwife made us a salve with coconut oil, calendula, and chamomile. Bennett smells delicious.

At 4:30 I called his doctor, he was upset, so itchy he couldn't settle. We hadn't reached that point of awful yet. But now that we have, it's time to take him in. We have an appointment tomorrow morning, hopefully we can figure out what it is.

I prefer natural methods, but if he can't be soothed, if the itch won't go away with herbs, it's time to try something else. Herbs take more time to work, but he was so sad this evening, I don't know if we have time to let them work. I called the clinic, told the advice nurse, I'm going to be honest with you. I don't want to use steroid cream, and I absolutely won't put it on his groin. I asked her about herbs, she said she didn't know anything. Not surprising, thought I would try anyway.

I just want to know what we're dealing with.

I'm not convinced it's diet.

I'm not convinced it's eczema.

My midwife said, maybe ringworm?

Maybe teething?

I looked online. Some sites say yes, teething rash exists, some say, no. Thanks for the contradictory advice dr. google.

I had no idea a rash, a simple thing, really, would push me so close to crazy. I'm not handling this very well, I'll be the first to admit it.

more misery!

2012-01-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the advice, support and love. Bennett's rash has worsened and is spreading. We are keeping him naked and covered in coconut oil. Tomorrow we see our midwife, who will show me how to make a salve for his skin. Our midwife said it may be teething, or a vaccine reaction.

I'm falling apart, while J is calm and washing everything in the house. We've been using Costco free and clear detergent, but we switched to Seventh Generation until we get Allen's. Using chlorine free diapers, bathing him in water and baking soda, no soap, switched from Burt's Bees to Earth Mama Angel Baby products, we don't wear perfume or scented lotion, only use organic skin and hair care products, I don't wear makeup, we use natural deodorant - which doesn't work half the time .... I don't know what else to do!!

Last night I slept with him in my arms, holding his hands so he couldn't scratch his head and face. I am typing this one handed. Bennett is sleeping in my arms, wrapped in coconut oil and blankets.

I hope we can figure out what's bothering him. Despite the uncomfortable rash he is still my laughing, happy baby.

misery

2012-01-21T22:09:00.000-08:00

Dear me, dear me, sorry about the massive blog post quantities lately. Life is a bit intense right now. In a matter of days we've gone from a bit of eczema and a baby who rubs his eyes every now and again to a miserable baby who tears at his head and face and can't sleep. His cheeks are no longer red, but the itchiness is making him crazy.

I feel terrible. Why did it take me soooo long to figure out it was my diet?? Why did it flare up suddenly? How did we go from dry skin a few weeks ago to eczema? Maybe it was always eczema and it didn't really bother him?

I posted about his itchy skin on the book and someone asked if it could be cradle cap that spread. Anyone else had experience with that? I don't think it looks like eczema, but the doctor said it is, though she said it's on his legs and his legs don't even bother him. And she told us his eye rubbing was nothing to be concerned about.

The questions, the questions! And the confusion. And the worry. Oh my, the worry. And guilt!!

The salve is helping, we bought homeopathics from the health store today, I've stopped eating dairy. Something has to work soon, he is miserable.

My poor little nursling, seeing him like this is breaking my heart.

He slept well the last two nights, tonight is a rough one. J soothed, I comfort nursed, we patted, rocked, swayed. J has him now, he will sleep in arms, so J is video gaming and holding him. If he won't settle in his crib I hope sleeping with me will help calm him.

I know this isn't really a big deal, but it feels huge, and overwhelming, and like I've been making mistakes left and right without knowing or realizing.

Mama confidence, it's hard to come by.

no dairy!

2012-01-21T10:19:00.000-08:00

Goodness this makes me sad. Bennett is really struggling with his skin, and cutting out cow's milk simply isn't enough. A couple weeks ago I wanted a bowl of cereal, just one!, a few hours later Bennett's cheeks were bright red. Last night this selfish mama wanted a bit of cheese, just a bit!, this morning his cheeks are rosy. That's a reaction, yes?

I love cheese so much, but I love him more, and if cutting out all dairy will be better for him I am willing to do it. No one in my family has eczema, though I do have sensitive skin, so I'm surprised he does. I thought it was a family thing ... ? He doesn't have a bad case, no red, peeling skin, but I don't want him to develop a more serious case.

I'm having a hard time imagining my life without cheese. Can I eat cheese and then pump? I have all the ingredients for lasagna in my fridge; I was planning on making it tonight. When I make lasagna I include cottage cheese, ricotta cheese, and mozzarella cheese. That's a whole lot of cheese! I don't want to waste the ingredients, but I don't want Bennett to be miserable because of what I had for dinner. Will this be a problem when he starts solids?

His cradle cap is almost gone and his legs no longer have dry patches, which is helping me stay away from milk. If cutting out cheese helps with the itching I will be extremely grateful. It's almost like he has a compulsion to itch his head and eyes, but he mostly does it when tired, so perhaps it's not itchy .. ? The whole eye and head rubbing is making me crazy, because I'm worried that he's uncomfortable. And I am not happy with our pediatrician who told me it was nothing to worry about, just put a bit of steroid cream around his eyes!

Sigh.

You know what I will really miss?

These crackers are meant for kids, but I fell in love with them when I was pregnant with Charlotte. It was the only thing that helped the nausea, which I had all 38 weeks!

"if you don't like something, change it. if you can't change it, change your attitude. don't complain." maya angelou

2012-01-20T20:51:00.000-08:00

Working on that quote ...

Things are evening out a bit here, getting Bennett back on a 7pm-7am sleep schedule is helping. I got eight hours of sleep last night, which helped my mood and attitude. I think part of my grumpiness stems from my inability to eat enough. Even though I'm nursing I don't have much of an appetite and nothing really sounds good. More food, more sleep, less complaining, that's the plan.

Bennett is SO active. I'm realizing that I have to wear him down to get him to sleep. The Johnny Jump Up is wonderful, he bounces for ages, laughing all the while.

He is so focused on scooting during tummy time he doesn't roll over very often.

And he does this now when I try to change/dress him. I dress him on the floor most of the time, it's easier.

Loves & Recommends: My Mama's Love

2012-01-20T10:08:00.000-08:00

First, some business: I am afraid we may float away, the river and creeks are rising, more rain is expected. We are not in the flood zone, but many are, a town a few minutes away has been evacuated. Say a little prayer for us, please.

The park next to J's work

Also: will the winner of I Will Carry You please send me an address so I can ship the book to you? You can email me at rodman.angela@gmail.com

**********

My senior year of college I was the assistant editor of the newspaper. The editor and I developed a close friendship that year and it has continued on. She helped me plan most of Charlotte's first birthday even though she lives in the Seattle area now. We used to sit in the tiny newspaper office and talk about the future, our plans and dreams. She is living a dream, she started a healthy living magazine, part of the Natural Awakenings franchise, and it's amazing to see what she has done, how much Seattle Natural Awakenings has grown in less than a year.

When we went to Seattle at the end of December we met for lunch and she gifted us with a whole bunch of stuff, including a ton of My Mama's Love products.

I have been slathering the Complete Skin Ailment cream all over Bennett. It's worked wonders on his dry legs and cradle cap. Last night he was screaming mad, so upset, J, my mom and I could not settle him down. We finally put the skin cream on his face and head to help with the itching, and put the Lullaby Love cream on his chest. He calmed right down and went to sleep, I really think his itchy skin is making it difficult for him to sleep.

I love these gentle products, and of course the herbal smell of them makes me happy too. When he has Earth Mama Angel Baby balm on his bottom and My Mama's Love on his legs and face he smells just like the birth center - comfort, calm, warmness ... it just makes me want to snuggle him.

Click here for the My Mama's Love website. And check out my friend's magazine too, the articles are fabulous.

1.19.12

2012-01-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

Sleep battles, they continue. Really don't have much more to say about it. I'm just done you know? My mom is staying tonight, which will help, at least J and I will be able to log some solid sleep.

Things are interesting here in Salem town. The rains have poured down the last few days, and I live in Oregon so when I say poured I mean constant torrential downpour, day and night. Parts of the city are flooding, the creeks are overflowing, tomorrow the Willamette will most likely overflow in areas, causing more problems and damage.

J stayed late at work today to move files and computers, back up data. His company leases the old ER from the hospital. It is next to a creek, part of which runs under the hospital. The basement of the hospital is flooding and water is beginning to seep into the underground garages. J's ten minute drive took him an hour tonight because of increased traffic and blocked, flooded roads. A little further South the flooding is even worse. The rain has slowed, hopefully it will stop soon.

I had an appointment with my naturopath - Dr. B! - this afternoon. Her office is forty-five minutes from here, there were a couple high water points where water covered the road, but other than that the drive was okay. I haven't seen Dr. B since the night we came home from the NICU. She came to the house to administer vitamin IVs to boost my iron and blood levels. I love her, I really do.

She said Bennett looks great - we weren't there for him, but she snatched him up and headed back to her office - and promised me he is fine, even if he is small. She recommended breast milk for the eczema on his face (I think this is contributing to his sleep issues, his poor face itches too much to sleep). I've been drenching his sweet face in breast milk, guess I'll keep doing it, and hope it helps.

I stocked up on hormone balancing tincture and a tincture to help with the issues I've been having. Dr. B said my body is constantly shedding the uterine lining, it just can't hold on to it, which is why I am bleeding every two weeks. Too much information? Sorry. I'm the one bleeding every two weeks even though I am four months postpartum. Seriously, done with that too.

It's 8:30, but I am going to bed. Dr. B says I must sleep more, I'm running my poor self into the ground with the breast feeding and bleeding and being stubborn about B's sleeping. I was so determined that he would sleep in his crib last night, because he started the night there, but at 2 I laughed at my stubborn self and let him sleep in bed with me. I must stop obsessing about his sleep, his skin, the way he rubs his eyes ... EVERYTHING.

It will all come right in time.

babies and sleep part two: sacrifice

2012-01-17T21:45:00.000-08:00

It all came together this afternoon, there was almost an audible click in my brain. Bennett woke up from his thirty minute nap screaming, so I worked with him. I held him in the rocker, he slept a while in my arms, I put him down for thirty more minutes, when he woke I held him a while longer until three hours had passed, most of which he slept for.

He needed that sleep, desperately, he went down easily for his 5:00 nap, and has settled in fairly well tonight. He's been down since 7, I've had to go in twice, briefly, J once, but that is nothing compared to what we've been facing. Our plans for the day got cancelled this morning, which was a blessing in disguise.

We're often busy, we do something most days, and I think it was good for Bennett to be at home. It was hard, I'll admit. I had to put my agenda: laundry, cleaning the kitchen, watching The Bachelor - on hold so I could focus on Bennett, and that was a struggle.

To parent is to sacrifice. We sacrifice sleep, time, regular meals, days out with friends, watching TV, reading, focus ... I could go on, but after being on the other side, the side of no sacrifice, I know this is better. Harder, yes, there will be no more days of wallowing with the covers over my head as the rain pours down outside, but it is significantly better.

I'm not always a good parent. I have failed to put Bennett first lately, and I think that has contributed to the difficult times we've been having. This afternoon I prayed for patience, calm, a willing heart, a kind voice, and it's worked. J and I haven't fought. Bennett is sleeping and content in his crib. I watched The Bachelor. Everyone is happy and ready for what the night may bring (sleep, hopefully!).

I'm sorry if my last post seemed ungrateful, or whiny, or ... I don't know ... if it offended, I'm sorry. This week has been one of learning for me. Learning to stay quiet, learning to offer because people find it hard to ask, learning to parent, learning to love, learning kindness, learning what it means to be a friend, mom, and wife. I'm doing my best, but I'll be the first to admit that sometimes my best isn't all that great.

babies and sleep

2012-01-17T12:41:00.000-08:00

I am going to write a book about this. It will be super simple, easy to follow, understandable. It will have the following rules.

#1. What worked Monday won't work Tuesday, what worked Tuesday won't work Wednesday ... etc.
#2. Enjoy the newborn stage when the baby will sleep through anything. It's a wonderful time when you still love your dog to pieces, and don't mind its crazy barking at every shadow that crosses the front window.
#3. If things are going well sleep wise DO NOT post about it on any social networking site, DO NOT speak of it, and DO NOT think about it.
#4. When you are on the other side of a particular phase (baby wakes when set down) do not be all smug, it will come around again, and chances are it will be worse the second time around.
#5. When it is the middle of the night and you've just settled in to your warm, comfy bed, only to hear the baby wailing for the hundredth time in an hour remember that he or she is a baby, completely dependent on you, and whatever you can do for him or her. Sometimes babies miss their mamas, sometimes babies need their mamas, and sometimes that desperate need for mama comes in the middle of the night.

I needed someone to scream these five rules at me last night. Well, not all of them, but I sure needed to hear that last one. I don't know what is going on with Bennett boy - perhaps the teeth? - but he is not sleeping or napping well.

Lately a good chunk of my days, and nights, are spent in the rocker in the nursery trying to convince that boy to sleep because it's good for his brain, and my sanity. If J didn't take over sometimes I would lose my mind. As it is I get so frustrated I have to take a break, deep breathe for a few minutes. And I know there's this idea floating around that it's lovely to rock the baby, or hold the baby, while he sleeps because he won't want the holding before too long. You know what else is nice? More than three hours of sleep.

I've had two conversations this week - and it's only Tuesday! - with mama friends about how difficult the whole sleep thing is. Babies are strange, they don't act like adults, they need help sleeping, they need to learn how to sleep, and for that to happen parents have to go without which sucks, it really, really makes me crazy.

Last night we were at the point of absolute lostness. I consider us smart people, J more so than me, dude is geeky smart, but when you are tired, and on hour three of putting the baby down for the night all smartness disappears. We had no solution, we couldn't find a solution, we couldn't think hard enough to posit a solution, so we threw our hands up in the air and let him cry for five minutes. That. did. not. work. He went from whimpering to screaming and I couldn't handle it.

Bah, he's awake. He slept for thirty minutes in his crib ... honestly, I could have used an hour.

This post about crying it out and sleep and exhaustion is fabulous.

still

2012-01-16T12:55:00.000-08:00

It's January and it's cold, so, so cold, yet the rose bush that blooms over the memorial stone with Charlotte Ava, May 14, 2010, etched within is budding and blooming as if summer is just around the corner. It's her rose, there must be some significance, some meaning behind the fact that is has bloomed continuously since her first birthday.

I wonder if it will continue flowering until her second birthday, a mere four and a half months away. Another May, this one two years after. Bright, spring days, in May, plenty of rain too. No matter the weather, rain or shine, the day will keep coming. One year after another, time racing ahead so that she should be one becomes she should be two, three, four, five ...; already the time she has been gone exceeds the time she was here by so much the gap cannot be bridged.

My focus has shifted, but I still struggle. There are still ups and downs here, for both of us, times of profound sadness when the grief overwhelms us as it has done thousands of times before. I don't cry on the 14th of every month, no, not anymore, but seeing that number still hurts.

Charlotte's death has affected Bennett's life. Sometimes my days and nights are full of, he won't sleep! moments of frustration followed by he is quiet, finally asleep - or maybe dead? moments of fear. It's irrational yes, and not likely, but I saw her alive, and then two hours later I held her and she was dead, so in my mind babies can go from here to gone quickly, suddenly, unexpectedly.

Stopped writing, went for a walk, came home, read over ... goodness this is bleak. On the way home we were walking and Bennett was fussing. I finally stopped, pulled him out of his stroller, stuffed him in my down vest, and continued walking - one hand on him, the other on the stroller. He laughed and laughed, stuck his tongue out, chattered, so happy to be in my arms and free from his stroller. He reminds me of all the good in life

photos, photos

2012-01-15T17:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I rock Bennett to sleep I catch a bit of hospital smell, which reminds me of the NICU, of tears - so many tears - tired days, exhausted nights, pumping, joy, worry, fear, a very grateful heart. He's alive, he's healthy, I am so, so blessed. I need to remind myself of that on days like today, when I can't seem to shake the grumpies, and get frustrated so quickly it doesn't allow much room to breathe around here (have I mentioned that I'm difficult to live with?).

Getting Bennett dressed for a trip to the dog park when he spotted J.

Bennett is just big enough for his Christmas present if we shove a blanket behind his back. He likes to turn in circles, but is slowly figuring out how to jump. He wants to walk so badly, and he loves to stand, so he can't get enough of this toy.

I have a fabulous neighbor who has two boys: one is five, the other almost one. She lets me borrow toys, clothes, books, that awesome outfit in the first picture. I was over the other night and she asked if we wanted to borrow this baby entertainment thing. Oh my stars, it's wonderful! We have to shove a blanket behind him in this one too, but that's okay. Bennett loves it to pieces and it keeps him occupied long enough for me to cook, and eat, a meal.

We got a bit of snow this morning, so I sent J and Bennett out for a picture.

Bennett was not impressed.

Bennett and Ella.

All bundled up.

that's my baby

2012-01-14T11:46:00.000-08:00

I absolutely regret that post about sleeping. Sorry, universe, so, so sorry. Can we skip the whole four months sleep regression thing, please? I looked it up online, as suggested, and it scares the pants off me. Waking every two hours at night?? Some say baby must be trained to sleep, kellymom says he wakes because he is hungry and too busy to feed effectively during the day. I believe the latter, because this kid is all over the place when nursing, but I am not looking forward to getting up with him every two hours. Last night was rough and he is not napping well today. Is this it? How long does it last??

That first paragraph got away from me, not what I meant to write about at all ...

On Thursday my mom was over and we got all curious about baby photos and who Bennett looks like. I dug through our albums and found pictures of J and me as babies. Bennett looks just like me! When I pointed this out to J he said Bennett doesn't look like a girl, but I looked like a boy as a baby because we look so much alike ... or something like that. I'm so tired, I don't really remember.

Me at four months, or maybe three?

J at five weeks, we don't have as many pictures of him as a babe.

I was a bit fatter in the face, but Bennett and I have the same features. Charlotte looked a lot like me too, poor dear had my nose, bump and all.

Sweet babies, love them so much.

belonging

2012-01-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

My midwives created a group where those of us who have birthed with them can share issues, stories, advice, etc. in an online forum. I love being a part of the natural birth community, and learning about alternate remedies for common baby problems, but I don't feel like I belong, belong.

Charlotte was born at the birth center, but Bennett was born in hospital, so can I really be considered a part of this group? When my midwife added me I hesitated for these very reasons. She shrugged off my concerns and added me, insisting I was a birth center mama even if Charlotte died and Bennett wasn't born there.

The mamas are gathering at a local coffee shop this morning. I chose not to go. I have plenty of excuses - it's hard to get going in the morning (my mom is here, she would have us out the door in no time), it's Bennett's nap time (he can nap in the car, or in my arms), but the real issue is that I don't feel comfortable in new situations. I don't like being surrounded by people who don't know about Charlotte.

It's easier for me to stick with those who know me best. The friends who understand when I hesitate to hold their baby girl, the friends who understand when I disappear for a week or two as I try to get my head around what I've lost (again), the friends who understand the random tears, and bad days, the friends who understand that he doesn't replace her, and he never, ever will, though as he grows she fades.

I've been invited to a mom group at our church many times, and I really appreciate the invitation, but I don't want to go. I do best with people who know about Charlotte, who understand that I have a baby on my hip that you can see, as well as an invisible one who trails behind me.

I shrug off the invitations, say thank you, tell myself it's okay to miss out because I have lots of friends and don't need more, but I don't know if it really is okay. Am I going to avoid all new situations for the rest of my life because I hate ruining people's day with my sad story? That won't work when Bennett is attending school and I have to meet other parents, but maybe by then saying, I have this one here, and one in heaven, won't be so awkward, won't stun people so much.

Now that I have a living baby I feel like I have a foot in two worlds: one where mamas parent living babies, one where mamas parent dead babies, and despite my best efforts I can't bring the two worlds together. I'll always be stuck between, awkwardly stretching and contorting myself to try and marry the impossibly incompatible.

ever changing

2012-01-12T08:56:00.000-08:00

Remember when I was all too much pacifier, too much sleeping with mama, worry, worry, worry!? Well, there was no need for all that. New mamas, just about to be mamas: the first three months are HARD and then things settle down, you gain confidence, you forget what life was like before having a baby, going to the grocery store without help doesn't seem like the most difficult task in the world, it all gets easier.

Bennett hit three months and decided to change things up on me. He was not happy in the Arms Reach Co-Sleeper so I tried him in the crib. Guess what? He loves it. Saturday night he slept 10-4:30, I had no idea what to do with myself. Last night he nursed at 2:30, settled back in his crib, woke at 5:45, and is sleeping next to me (and nursing in his sleep, my favorite thing) at this very moment. Every night is like this. We had one tough night this week when he wouldn't settle down after his 3 am feed, but one tough night is nothing compared to what we were facing before.

Most nights he ends up with me between 4 and 6 am, which is fabulous. I did not enjoy having him in bed with me all night, but by 6 am J is out of bed and I can set Bennett down on his side and have my own space.

This morning I let him sleep on my chest for a while, all milk drunk and zonked. He's so busy when he is awake he will not snuggle with me. He will sit quietly in my lap if I am reading to him, but snuggling is too calm for him, so I steal moments whenever I can.

As for the pacifier, he is slowly weaning himself off it. If he is not tired, he won't take it. I worried so much about this, that he would be two with a pacifier, but now that he is a little older he doesn't need it nearly as often. He takes it at bed and nap, sometimes in the car, sometimes on walks. On our walk yesterday he spit it out and fell asleep without it for the first time.

This all may change, but I hope the contented crib sleeping continues. I'm really happy we've reached this point without resorting to cry it out methods. (If you have done the cry it out thing this is not a criticism, every parent has to make their own way, I just don't think I could handle letting him cry). There have been some frustrating nights when I've had to spend two hours patting his tummy, giving him his pacifier, singing, hanging over the crib for thirty minutes, rocking for two hours, but he gets it now - for the most part. We turn on his music, nurse in the rocker, he gets his pacifier and blanket (it's very light cotton and I tuck it in on the sides of his crib) and goes down in his crib even if he is semi-awake.

Take heart, mamas, it gets easier. For me it was at three and a half months, for you it may be at six or nine or twelve months, but it does get easier. I had to learn to listen to Bennett. He wanted his own quiet, dark room, but I didn't want him to have it. I wanted him close to me, where I could hear him breathe, lean over and feel his heart beating in the middle of the night if I needed to. I finally relented, and he is one happy, well rested baby now.

1.11.12

2012-01-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

I walked to the library this morning for story time. My neighbor friend - there needs to be a word for this - neifriend? frieneigh? okay, that's not working - asked if I wanted to attempt it and I was all, sure, no problem, it's nearly five miles round trip? I can handle that, no biggie.

It was tough, hard work, but I made it. I even huffed up the hill just before the library without falling over and begging for mercy. Bennett enjoyed the songs and book reading, I think we will try to go again.

All of the walking is paying off. It helps my mood A LOT and it's helping me lose weight, even though my food choices aren't the best (while walking today all I could think about was eating a cookie as a reward, but we don't have any in the house!!). I tracked our walk with an app on my phone, we walked 4.8 miles, not too shabby.

The scale this morning showed another pound lost. So that's 137. I would like to be 130. I don't actually know if I can get down to 130, for years my body has been happy at 135. I would love to be 120, but I've had to accept that my body simply doesn't go there. I should care less about the number, what's important is feeling good, and I feel better than I have in years.

When I was experiencing the worst of my holiday doldrums I walked four days in a row. When my mom was here last Thursday we walked a couple miles to get our breakfast. I never would have done that before meeting my neighbor friend, she's such a good influence.

J says all my walking is good for my future health. He always thinks about long term health, he sees a lot of messed up hearts. Thankfully the weather has been good this fall/winter. We haven't had nearly as much rain as we usually do. I was boiling hot during story time, I had way too many layers on, but it was 34 degrees when we left and I didn't want to be cold.

I've always disliked exercising, but when I lost Charlotte swimming helped immensely, and now that I have Bennett walking is my thing and I like it. I walk all over this here town, and I've discovered so many wonderful things about the city I live in.

Walking improves Bennett's mood too. He stays awake longer during our walks now, he loves looking around.

Happy, happy, happy, and ready for a quiet end to the week. We've been busy and I'm ready for some down time.

Here is the boy surveying his kingdom. He hates the bumbo, arches his back like it's the worst kind of prison, but he will tolerate it if he gets to look out the window.

giveaway winner!!

2012-01-11T08:08:00.000-08:00

Me and screen shots don't get along. The winner is #5, justaweebitcrazy, and I would show you the screen shot from random.org, but like I said, it's not my day, I can't make it work. Thank you to everyone who entered. Please send me your address justaweebitcrazy so I can send the book to you.

on vaccines, well checks, and russian nurses

2012-01-10T15:56:00.000-08:00

I am going to rant for a bit. I hope you'll still like me at the end of this post.

This is what I want to say: vaccines! growth charts based off formula fed babies! mean nurses (or are they medical assistants?)! Frustrated!! A little angry!! Gah!

Now for the more coherent version.

Bennett is 12.4 lbs, a bit small according to his pediatrician, but his head circumference is good, as is his length - 24 inches - so no need to be concerned. J and I are small people. Bennett is a breastfed baby. He is long and lean, his clothes don't fit, his diapers gape at front and back, but he is FINE. I don't want to see your stupid growth charts with Bennett hanging on by a fingernail at the bottom. And please don't compare my baby to formula fed babies. The formula companies would like us to believe the products are similar, but they are very, very different.

Quick tangent: No, I will not feed him solids before six months. And if he is happy waiting another month or two, we will. I will not feed him rice cereal. It's not food. It doesn't have nutritional value, it's bland, it is processed food, and I don't want his first food to be processed.

The nurse, oh my the nurse! They ask the same questions at every appointment while they tap away on their laptop, or tablet, or whatever it is, which makes me crazy. It's hard to give an average of wet and dirty diapers for Bennett because he poops once or twice a week. When I tried to explain that she snapped, "Give me average!"

Same thing happened with the breastfeeding questions.

"How often he eat?"

"It varies, he eats when he's hungry."

"Give me average!"

I've had this nurse twice, her accent is so hard to understand, she's brusque, and not very nice at all. She gave him his shots and then did the oral vaccine. He was so upset he could barely get it down and when he choked she just rolled him over to his side and thumped his back. On the way home I was berating myself for staying quiet. I am his advocate, why did I just stand there with my mouth hanging open? Mama fail :(

Thankfully his doctor is nice and a strong advocate of breastfeeding. If I didn't like her so much I would find another doctor. The staff are terrible, terrible, terrible.

And the vaccines, oh the vaccines. I don't want him to get sick. I will do anything in my power to protect him. I know all mamas feel that way, but when you lose a child that feeling is magnified (in my opinion).

Every single well child check makes me feel sick to my stomach with its choices and lecturing. I hate standing there and smiling while I'm told not to carry the baby plus a hot drink, to use a car sear, to keep him off high surfaces if he is unsupervised. I want to scream, I'm not stupid, I have common sense, I will raise my baby how I see fit, leave me alone! But I was raised better than that so I smile politely and nod.

An additional bother: Bennett has very dry skin, just like his mama. The doctor said it looks like he has eczema on his leg so we should start applying a gentle steroid cream. I nodded my head, but was thinking, mmm, no way, not going to happen. What the world is a "gentle steroid cream?" I will use herbal ointments and Aquaphor and if that doesn't work we can discuss a different avenue.

Please tell me I am not alone in lying to the pediatrician. Well, I try not to lie, but I do a lot of nodding and then go home and do my own thing.

Whew. I need some french fries, or chocolate, or something. Sheesh, being a mama is hard sometimes.

Bennett is ahead of the curve on a lot of his developmental milestones. I am keeping that nugget of information close to my heart, even though I don't want to obsess about milestones. Bennett will do things on his own time, he will, he will.

Who cares if he's small?

He is my fifth percentile sweetheart and I love him to pieces.

four months!

2012-01-09T18:21:00.000-08:00

Hard to believe Bennett is four months old today. I know I said the same thing for months one, two and three. I will continue to say it, and when we celebrate his one year birthday I will collapse in a puddle of tears. I have no idea how many weeks he is, I lost track of that somewhere around the eight or ten week mark.

So he can grab the alphabet card now ...

Tomorrow is his four month well check. Excited to have a weight check, I think he's around twelve pounds.

One last completely unrelated thing: I made quinoa for dinner tonight - first time, can you believe it?! - and while it was edible it was not what one would call good. Any tips, recipes, suggestions, ideas? I mixed it with the veggies I had in the house - broccoli, zucchini, carrots, celery and added some spices.

Sorry for the awful phone picture. I was just happy it looked like the picture online. Trying new recipes makes me twitchy, I hate failure.

on food and weight and this body of mine

2012-01-08T20:14:00.000-08:00

This afternoon I was reading while Bennett napped next to me when a thought jumped into my mind: "There's chocolate in the bedside table!"

Say what, self? How could there be chocolate there without me knowing, or remembering? I sat up, opened the door and peeked in. Sure enough, chocolate. I probably stashed it there when I was pregnant with Bennett. I stashed food all over this house when I was pregnant. I couldn't eat enough, ever, but I filled up fast, so I made sure food was always at hand for those wonderful moments when Bennett shifted his sweet baby body and provided a bit of space for my stomach.

Confession: I'm not being very careful with what I eat. My diet was much healthier when I was pregnant, but nursing makes me so hungry and I crave sweets all the time. It's not just sweets though, I crave food, all kinds of food. My appetite has diminished some lately - thanks, sadness, my old friend - but I'm still consuming a ton of calories. Speaking of hunger there is no hunger like after labor hunger. I ate for twelve solid hours after Bennett was born. I kid. But I did ask what was for lunch, and when it would be arriving, while eating breakfast the morning after he was born.

I know a few people who are doing the sugar detox thing right now. Brave souls. I think if that magic pre-pregnancy number hadn't popped up on the scale the other day I would be more motivated to cut the junk, but with only eight pounds to go to hit my ultimate pie in the sky may not make it weight goal, and eight more months to do it in, I'm feeling rather free.

I do need to tone things up a bit. No, scratch that, I need to tone things up a LOT, but I've been walking, walking, walking, and that should pay off eventually. Two close together pregnancies has done a number on me and I am trying to be all nonchalant, eh, this is me, but it's hard to do. SO HARD.

When I look in the mirror and think negative thoughts I try to remember this body carried life twice and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Our society doesn't value mothers - don't get me going on that topic - but I need to value myself. And! And!! I gave birth twice with nary a pain killer in my system, and the second time around the pitocin induced contractions were INTENSE - whip cracking, relentlessly INTENSE - and while I yelled my head off my body did its thing and a babe was born.

That alone makes me think I deserve a cookie, or three. Oh sweets, I just can't quit you. Maybe next week ...

giveaway!

2012-01-07T21:17:00.000-08:00

It's about time for one, don't ya think?

But first! Guilt. Oh goodness me the guilt. I was invited to a movie with friends tonight. It's our thing, we go out, see a movie, have popcorn and soda for dinner, sometimes have ice cream after the movie. After Charlotte died one of the friends I go with, who wasn't even a friend then, called me up, invited me out. It was our first time hanging out one on one and she listened to me go on and on about Charlotte. I will always appreciate her for that night, especially since she later told me she had no idea what to say to me. I have the most amazing friends.

So the movie was good - We Bought a Zoo, go see it - and J was fine with having the boy. Only B refuses the bottle, and he may have had a good reason this time because the milk smelt awful even though I pumped and froze it straight away at the beginning of December. B screamed for a solid hour while I kicked back and watched a movie. Ouch.

How do I find the balance? How do I go out with friends without feeling bad about leaving my baby? Why do I feel like I shouldn't put too much on J's shoulders? He never complains, but I feel so guilty. B feels like my responsibility. So much so I have to remind myself sometimes that he is our child and we are in this together. It's so easy to feel like I know everything because I am with B all day, but I don't. There are definite moments when J has a much better idea of what to do. And I really, really don't want to be a hover mother, one who hangs over J's shoulder for every. single. diaper. change. giving instructions and criticizing.

J has a plan for next time. He insists on a next time because he doesn't want me to feel trapped. He is so good to me. This morning over breakfast I was having a moment (breakdown) and he looked at me with calm radiating from his steadfast self and said, "Angela, peace be upon you, peace be upon you." He should probably repeat that daily, if not hourly. Shoot, I'm hard to live with.

And exhale ... whew! Didn't expect all of that to come out, thanks for bearing with me so you could find out what I'm giving away.

A friend sent me this book shortly after Charlotte died and now I wish to pass it on to you. Confession: I want to be Angie Smith with her books and fabulous blog with a ton of readers. We have the same name, that's a good start, yes?

Want to win it? All you have to do is leave a comment. Even though this book is about baby loss you do not have to be part of the loss community to enter. All are welcome. I'll pick a winner via random.org in a couple days. If I forget, please remind me. As J pointed out this morning, my memory is not what it used to be.

bennett reading

2012-01-07T09:57:00.000-08:00

So he's not really reading, but I have a lot of pictures of him and books. He loves to turn pages, smack books, wave them around. Every day we curl up somewhere in the house and read books. Sometimes when he's fussy if I sit down and read a book to him he will relax, settle in, enjoy a good story and cuddle. We have massive heaps of books, here's what he is loving right now:

I recommend all Rufus Butler Seder books. With black and white images that move his books are perfect for Bennett.

We love all three Bear and Mouse books.

Great book for older kids that explains how books work. Bennett loves the pictures.

This is one of my favorites. I read him a chapter now and then.

Sweet boy, loves books just like his mama.

finding the time

2012-01-06T13:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was asked how I find the time to blog. I responded shortly and quickly, but realized I have a lot of thoughts on the subject. A lot, a lot. And thinking on that question has made me consider my priorities, what's important, what matters.

Honestly, blogging matters. It feels silly and more than a little self indulgent to admit that, but I can't deny that it brings calm and happiness to my life. Some days (most days, let's really be honest here) blogging comes before housework. Never before B, never ever before him, but when he is down for his nap (if he naps, that is) I make myself something hot to drink and write. I usually have a post outlined in my head, which helps the process go quickly. Typing super fast - 80-90 wmp - helps too.

One good thing that came from losing Charlotte was rediscovering how much I love to write. Had you told me I would find good things (yes, plural) about losing Charlotte shortly after she died I would have smacked you up and down the block, but now I see how beauty can come from grief. Grief is all about finding the possible in the impossible.

There are days when J comes home and my eyes are popping out of my head, and I need a break, and it's been one of those days and I hand B over and say, "I need to blog!" And sometimes it happens after dinner, other nights it's once B is in bed, but J gets it, he understands, he knows writing will calm me down, make me sane, so he ignores the messy house, the half made, or not at all made dinner, and gives me time to write.

I will admit that blogging so much has made me feel rather boring. When friends and family say, "Oh yes, I read that on your blog," after most sentences that come out of my mouth I get annoyed and huff around a bit. I used to wish I had kept my blog anonymous, but there is something to be said about putting everything out there for all who know me to read. It keeps me honest, that's for sure. And I'm not very good about saying, "I'm sad, sad, sad!!" but I can write it, I can put words to the page just fine, so I let that do a lot of my talking for me.

J wishes there were monetary benefits to all of the time I spend blogging. I agree that it would be nice, but even if I never get a dime I'll keep writing. I'm lucky to have people who read and comment. I think I would continue writing even if no one read, but I'm glad people take the time to read and comment.

I try not to get caught up in numbers, but sometimes I do. Stats are addicting. I like knowing how many people are reading, what people are reading, how many new visitors I have. Whenever I'm asked where my readers come from I shrug and admit, "I don't know, but I'm grateful for every single one." I hope I make that clear. I do my best to respond promptly to every email I get, and I try to respond to comments too. If you ever have ideas, suggestions, likes, dislikes, questions, please share. I like communicating with you.

All this to say I blog because it's important to me and makes me happy. In those early days of grief it saved me. It helped me find other mamas and it made me feel less alone. I processed a lot of grief through my writing right after she died, and though I write about B a lot these days, I still find the deepest connections to her through writing. And on the days when I wonder if I miss or love her enough the words I wrote soon after she died bring her back to me and reassure me of our bond though she is no longer with me.

creme de la creme

2012-01-05T13:03:00.000-08:00

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2011

I was all lazy about the Creme de la Creme this year. I wasn't going to participate, but love reading others entries so selected a post this morning. Is it my best? I don't know. Hard to pick the best. You can enter until the 6th, please join in, I love reading through the entries.

My post: C & B: Love & Seasons.

And click right here for the long list of participants.

Loves and Recommends: Bennett's List

2012-01-04T12:24:00.000-08:00

Bennett is not quite old enough for stacking or nesting, but when asked what I wanted for him for Christmas I said, stacking toys! Even though he is not quite old enough we are still enjoying these toys. The cups are fun to make into a tower, which he can knock over, or kick until it falls, and he is able to pick them up with ease because they have a large rim. He also likes the sound two cups smacking together makes. The other night I gave him the cups while he was in the bath. He held onto one while I filled up a couple and held them high so he could see water pour out the small holes in the bottom. He loved to watch the water fall, lots of splashing and laughing ensued.

This stacking toy is from Little Sapling on Etsy.

Love their products a whole lot, to be honest I like how this looks so much I don't care if it takes him a year or more to start playing with it. The other day we had friends over for the Rose Bowl Game (Oregon Ducks won!). Bennett was having a good time on the floor with one of our friends. She placed one of the wood pieces in one of the cups and he pulled it out!! I was so proud of him, though he hasn't managed to do it again since.

We bought the BabyComfyNose (seriously? what a name) instead of the Nosefrida. Bennett thinks it's a toy, every time we use it he tries to get it in his mouth, but he doesn't cry when I clean out his nose. Now if only we could manage a month without a cold. I thought he would be a healthy, illness free baby because he is exclusively breastfed. That is so not the case.

We switched from Burt's Bees Diaper cream to Earth Mama bottom balm a few weeks ago. I love it! It's like breast milk, good for almost any baby issue. I've used it on his bottom, his face, behind his ear, on his legs. It's amazing, and a small bit goes a long way. I even used it for a sore spot on my face. Bennett has really bad cradle cap and I'm considering using it for that. I've been leaving it alone/ignoring it, but it's really, really bad now. The bottom balm does have a strong herbal smell, but I like that he smells like herbs. It reminds me of the birth center where his sister was born, and where I had prenatal and postpartum appointments with him.

Another favorite toy: whatever pants he is wearing. He loves to grip the material, pull on it, try to get it to his mouth. He is desperate to grab his feet, but hasn't mastered that skill yet, so the pants will have to do for now.

insomnia

2012-01-03T21:39:00.000-08:00

I don't sleep as much as I should. I can't sleep most nights. I actually miss those early days with Bennett when I would pass out from exhaustion whenever I had the chance (including at the dinner table, while nursing, anytime I sat down for more than two minutes).

My brain spins and spins and spins. I think about things, so many things! From Bennett to his birth to Charlotte to her birth to birth in general to one more birth, maybe? to wondering if I am high risk to pregnancy to before pregnancy to when I worked to happiness to joy to enjoying being at home ...

It goes on, but you get the idea.

Last night I tapped my feet against the sheets, listened to J and the dog breathe as the baby monitor popped and clicked as it switched channels, tossed and turned, got up, checked the baby, who breathes so quietly I have to bend down, head nearly touching his, to hear him, poured a glass of water, walked back up the stairs, settled back into bed, thought about other night wanderings.

Times when there wasn't a baby in the house, though I wished and hoped for one. Those early days, the week after she died in particular, when I thought I could turn back time, or blink very hard, or circle the house clockwise instead of counterclockwise and bring her back.

This went on longer than a week actually. I tried to think of a way to bring her back until we were given her ashes and the permanence of that feather light dust which was once my baby stopped the hoping; but not the night wanderings, those have stayed.

Through grief, another pregnancy, another birth I've wandered. I touch doorways, check locks, peek in on the baby, confirm over and over and over again that all is right with my world. I learned the hard way how quickly life shifts and splits; how in the blink of an eye all of your possessions, ideals, hopes can pack themselves up, move to after, leave you longing for before.

Life is better now, yes, but I still wish I had both my babies here. My boy, my girl, my life complete.

1.3.12

2012-01-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

I appreciate the comments on my last post. After doing a bit of research I've decided to keep Disqus for now, and when the commenting platform LiveFyre is available for Blogger I will switch to that. LiveFyre lets you log in with social media accounts, or your google account, which will be better for everyone, I think.

I'm doing the lazy mama thing today. I woke up around 4am not feeling so good (this is twice now I've lost the last few baby weight pounds via the flu) so Bennett and I are hanging out on our bed, not doing much. Flu plus a cold, what the world is going on with me?

Sweet boy let me sleep until 9, probably because I let him sleep with me from 6am on, and that has thrown our entire schedule off. He is kicking his feet, playing with his blanket, spitting his pacifier out, refusing to nap, and for the first time in his short little life I am ignoring him. I don't care if he doesn't fall asleep, but I would like him to have some quiet time so he's not super cranky later. It is possible he doesn't want a nap because he slept from 7-2:00 (with some awake moments before 9) and then slept from 2:30-9.

Earth Mama Angel Baby - a company I love, love, love - posted a breastfeeding pledge today.

The goal of the Support with Integrity Pledge is to strengthen and to unite the efforts of breastfeeding supporters who focus on getting the baby fed, and not taking sides about how it’s done, or being right. We each may prefer one organization, technique, method, schedule or position, but we believe that a mama who is breastfeeding deserves support with whatever technique she chooses, and whatever works for her and her baby.

The ultimate goal of all breastfeeding advocates is that the breasts are making milk, the baby has a good latch, the nipples are happy, and the baby is getting what she needs to grow and be healthy.

I think this is a fabulous idea, I recommend everyone sign it. We need to increase the number of women who breastfeed, and we need to encourage and support those who breastfeed. Now that I am exclusively breastfeeding I think every store should have a nursing mama area with nice couches, snacks and water. To sign click right here.

Okay, I should go, the whole set the baby down with pacifier and blanket and he will eventually drift off plan is NOT working. Anyone want a baby for the day? He is quite entertaining, though I must warn you he drools a lot, his toots can clear a room now, and if he starts laughing you will too, which will only make him laugh more, and you will end up with a side ache from giggling.

questions, questions

2012-01-02T10:08:00.000-08:00

Bennett slept all night in his crib! He went right back to sleep after nursing at midnight and four, just had to pop down at 12:30 for a tummy pat and pacifier moment at 12:30. I am sad the co-sleeper didn't work as long as I hoped, or as well as I wanted, but we all got good sleep last night and that's more important than my silly wishes to have Bennett nearby.

I have some questions about nursing, help me please! Thanks to you I don't have to go to a nursing group or lactation specialist.

Bennett only nurses on one side, but in the past few days he has wanted to nurse on both sides.

How do I tell when it's time to switch?

I usually switch when he starts getting frustrated, but I can't tell if he's frustrated because the milk isn't flowing as quickly, or if he's frustrated because he's an active boy (and nurser - he likes to pull my nursing tank strap out and then let go - ouch!) and wants to be done so he can move on to something else.

He nurses fast, is he getting enough milk?

Last night he woke at midnight to nurse, I was back in bed by 12:15. He seems satisfied, he nurses every 3-4 hours during the day with longer stretches at night, but I worry he isn't getting enough.

How do I know he has emptied the breast on one side? I want him to get good solid feeds with foremilk and hindmilk, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't empty the breast on the second side when he chooses to nurse on both breasts.

If I don't make sure the breast is empty will I end up with a breast infection?

The lactation consultant at the hospital told me to massage while nursing to ensure emptying of the breast. That never worked for us because I couldn't manage massaging and nursing in the beginning and I would choke the poor boy with milk if I tried it now.

And now for a non nursing question:

I love the commenting system I use - Disqus - but I've had a few complaints, and many have asked why I use it. I like how Disqus works, but if it's frustrating for others to use I will switch back to normal Blogger comments. It is nice to get comments and have interaction with readers and if the process is frustrating I want to change it.

My active nurser is waking up so I best go. Thanks in advance for your help!

Home Improvement

2012-01-01T20:47:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day! That's what happens when J puts Bennett down for the night. I'm exhausted. That kid is crazy. If he is laying down he wants to sit, if he is sitting he wants to stand, if he is standing he wants to run. Thankfully he is not walking yet (can you imagine?!) so he falls over when he tries to run. He's not so good at standing either, but he loves to do it.

The other day I showed J some shelves on pinterest and he said, "I can do that." He bought some wood, fussed about in the basement for a while, did some sawing, gluing and creating and now I have more storage space in my itty bitty kitchen.

I need to decide what to put on the shelves. And yes that is a Baby Bullet, can't wait to use it!

We are starting this year off right, with less stuff, more storage space, an organized-ish home.

I moved some things around in the living room to make room for the new bookcases.

Love how this looks now that it's in the entryway.

Better picture of the bookshelves. I'm so in love with them I just had to share a second picture.

Received this as a gift. We hung it in a manner that was not suggested, we're rebels like that.

We still have a bit of work to do upstairs, but I am really pleased with how the house is looking. People who come here say it's comfortable and cozy.

Happy to be content and grateful for the beautiful things the Lord has provided us with. And so in love with my baby boy, his name means blessed and his little life is most definitely that.

1.1.12

2012-01-01T14:08:00.000-08:00

We had a great time with friends and family in Seattle, but the transition from holiday stress to normal life has been tough.

I don't feel well. I haven't felt well for a while now. I hope my thyroid hasn't gone sideways, that's what happened last year, but that was due to the baby on board and there is most certainly not a baby on board right now.

Back to Dr. B I go, but I couldn't get an appointment until the 19th. So I've been taking what I know is okay from my tincture cupboard, but I don't want to take anything for hyperthyroid in case I'm hypothyroid. Yes, I've been each one more than once, it makes life interesting.

It's like the grief and stress of the holidays builds and builds and builds and there's nowhere for all that pressure to go so it either explodes all over J, or makes me super sick. I'm so busy freaking out during the holidays the stress doesn't have time to catch up with me, but when it does it's no fun. I've had a stomach ache in the evening the past couple days and I'm fairly certain it's related to stress. I've always dealt poorly with stress. When I was in college studying for my math final stressed me out so much I threw up - more than once.

Thanks to J, and my aunt when we were in Seattle, I've been logging record amounts of sleep. Bennett has transitioned to his crib for part of the night now (sigh, not what I wanted, but it's working) but when he sleeps in his crib he wants to nurse more often which is not what I expected. If he sleeps next to me, or in his co-sleeper (a rare occurrence) he is out for five to seven hours, but when he sleeps in his crib he nurses every three hours. This is backwards, yes?

We have definitely conquered naps now. I give him his pacifier and his blanket, I rock him for a few minutes and off to sleep he goes for an hour or two. He doesn't seem to understand that the same thing needs to happen at night.

While in a Panera (overrated and overpriced) in a Seattle suburb I had one of those am I seriously the only one who can feed this baby?? moments. Bennett is starting to dislike the nursing cover, I was exhausted, and I honestly didn't know if he would eat. He was kicking his feet against the wall and generally unhappy. Later that night he screamed when I tried to nurse him until I stripped him down, took off my sweater and nursed him skin to skin. Three and a half months of exclusive breastfeeding, hoping to make it to six, would love to nurse at least a year, if not eighteen months, but some days I wish J could lactate. There is pumping and bottle feeding of course, but that makes my plentiful supply even more so and I have to spend a day or two with cabbage in my nursing tank so I may as well just stick to nursing even when it is exhausting and frustrating.

I am blogging instead of cleaning the house (what's new?) but we are having people over for the Ducks game tomorrow so I should really get going. We have laundry on both coffee tables (J folds after he dies while playing XBox), general upheaval everywhere else and I am moving slowly.

Send me energy and health, please, I'm so frustrated that Bennett and I are working on our third colds.

end

2011-12-31T15:24:00.000-08:00

This year, this year ... so much happened. I wish I had something profound to say. I can barely string a sentence together so wise statements will have to wait. I'm on my third cold since Bennett was born (seriously!), exhausted for many reasons, just home from a great trip to Seattle to see family.

2011 was stressful and wonderful and exciting. It was full of love, joy and some sorrow - always sorrow as life continues without Charlotte.

And this blog grew and grew and grew this year. I cannot believe so many have found comfort, peace, healing and understanding here. I am grateful and blessed to have a place to write, share, set down the crazy grief. When I began writing here I had no idea it would become a large part of my healing. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading.

It's been a wonderful year,

and I'm excited to see what 2012 brings.

And speaking of 2012, my new year's resolution: sail through 2012 without a baby in my belly. I was pregnant for part of 2009, 2010, and 2011.

Happy new year, friends!

love

2011-12-28T14:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the crooked, not so good picture, the baby did not want to be set down, not even for a second. And our house is slightly crooked, the floors all slant a bit, which makes playing with the dog easy. I am really pleased with how it turned out, a few adjustments and it will be perfect, I think.

I even have a little pile of books to get rid of! J said he would like to see all the books I've ever read stacked in one place. I can't even fathom how many books that would be - thousands? And for those who think I need an e-reader, I probably do, but I love books, how they look, feel, smell and my one serious obsession is my books. I just can't imagine not being surrounded by them, or buying new ones, or compiling massive lists of ones to buy.

We leave to visit family at 8am tomorrow. I have nothing packed, laundry still to do. J is working on kitchen shelves - yes, he's amazing, and B doesn't quite have the coordination to help. Although he has mastered rubbing his eyes, which is making me crazy because he does that instead of sleeping, and once he is asleep he does it in his sleep and wakes himself. Silly baby.

Must stop procrastinating and pack. I have no idea what to bring, I'm thinking the whole house.

12.27.11

2011-12-27T20:42:00.000-08:00

J's big gift to me this year was more - yes, more - book shelves. Though we have many we do not have enough and the books have been accumulating on the floor in the living room.

Our neighbor friends have the Expedit shelves from Ikea, I spent a lot of time admiring them so J gifted them to me, though we bought a slightly different version.

We spent the afternoon shifting bookcases, moving books, hauling furniture around the house. With everything we've moved around lately I could be a certified mover, albeit a super weak one who drops furniture quite often.

If we are ever in need of money I think I will sell my books one by one, turn the downstairs of the house into a used bookshop to help us through.

And that's not even all of them ... I have a problem, I simply cannot get rid of books, or stop buying them.

Ikea overwhelms me. I don't understand those who visit often. We go once a year and must plan, think, save up before walking through the doors lest we spend half our savings on kitchen gadgets (only $1.99!!) and "easy to assemble" (ha!) furniture we don't need. The living spaces scattered around the store make me want to create such efficiency in my own home, it really is a dangerous place.

Since we were in Portland J took me to lunch at the only fast food place that makes me feel good about eating junk. Burgerville supports local farmers, sells grass fed beef only, has really, really good food considering it is fast food. I ate a double cheeseburger, a cheeseburger and fries. I used to do that when pregnant, there was one on the way to the hospital where I saw the maternal fetal medicine doctor, and I liked to have a cheeseburger - or three - once a month, but I don't know what my excuse is now. Nursing, I suppose. I have lost 28 lbs so far, only 3 more to go before I hit my pre-pregnancy weight, three more after that and I will be in a good place, five more gone and I will be thrilled. I figure I have a year to hit any goals weight wise so why not a cheeseburger - or three - now and then?

Soon the house will be sorted, new things up, old things rearranged, our little house stretching at the seams to accommodate the three of us. I want to enter the new year with less stuff, (but not books, never less of those) clean closets, a comfortable living space. Three bags of clothes have left the house already, along with a desk, and J has a few more things up for sale.

This guy is not sleeping well, time to soothe him down again.

Once again we find ourselves in the midst of a protracted sleep battle. It waxes, it wanes, lately he's been sleeping with me most nights though I really would like him to settle down in his co-sleeper. Or crib, I would accept crib though I would rather have him close.

Two steps forward, one back, that's just parenting, yes?

Christmas

2011-12-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

How did you survive Christmas? I made it through with cookies, candy, placenta capsules, and diet pepsi. Seriously healthy way to do it.

Sometimes I think J and I work on our marriage all year - strengthening, fixing, tightening - so we can make it through Christmas. We are both so stressed we have to relieve pressure somehow and so we have explosive fights. Last year we screamed about saran wrap vs. glad press 'n' seal, this year we had a fight about the diaper pail and who empties it. Silly, stupid fights that echo with a general theme: we miss her, we miss her, we miss her.

I had an added emotional bonus this year: my period. Sorry if that's a bit too much information for those who know me in real life. I'm exclusively breast feeding and yet my period came back right after my postpartum bleeding. Unfair, very, very unfair. I am so jealous of women who don't get a period back for eight to twelve months. Also on my jealously list: women who have six (or fewer) hour labors. And let's not even talk about women who can craft, decorate, garden.

I had B sleep next to me the night before Christmas Eve as well as the night before Christmas. I needed him near me, I needed my hand on his foot beneath layers of clothes, my cheek pressed against his when I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't find sleep. I needed to know he was alive, here, breathing, that this Christmas we had way more than we did a year ago, because my heart felt like it did last year: broken, sad, hollow, without.

I am so emotional, weepy, mad that this Christmas has been so difficult. On the way home from the in-laws on Christmas Eve I cried and J asked if I wanted a diet soda. I wiped my eyes, nodded my head so he stopped and bought me one. It tasted like Dr. Pepper so I refused to drink it and J being J he stopped and bought me another one. He walked out of the store with the biggest soda I've ever seen. When I admonished him he said, "It was the same price as a smaller one and this way you can drink as much or as little as you like." I like his logic (And no I did not drink it all, it was HUGE, though not as big as the super, super, double, triple gulp I saw one guy walking around with. Pretty sure that thing was a gallon!!).

We skipped church on Christmas Eve, too tired and sad to make ourselves go. On the 23rd we joined friends and neighbors at the small church two doors down to sing songs, hear the Christmas story, prepare our hearts and spirits for Christmas. I barely made it through without crying, I would have been a mess at church, sobbing like I did on Memorial Day - or maybe it was Veteran's Day, can't remember now.

We received a couple Charlotte gifts and my mom lit a candle in her memory while we opened presents.

I want to do something special each year, but have yet to figure out just what that will be. I cannot believe how cracked open my heart felt this Christmas. It knocked me for a loop to be so out of sorts, but the hugeness of her absence overwhelms during the holidays. As I mentioned before her rose bush is still blooming in the front yard. That seemed like enough this Christmas; a nod from the heavens.

There was joy this year too. Lots and lots and lots of joy and a smiling, laughing baby who scatters light throughout my life.

Super excited about opening one of his presents Christmas Eve.

Presents!

I love sleeping in the car seat pictures.

Books from mama and daddy, of course, of course.

This is for me?

Surely you kid ...

Still too small.

Fabulous new rocking chair. Bennett loves it.

I waited until the last moment to put Bennett in his special outfit on Christmas. The kid poops once a week, and it's always Sunday or Monday, which means special outfits don't last long. On special occasion days he often wears a diaper and blanket until it is time to leave. Christmas morning I was crying (of course) and J wanted to cheer me up so he gathered Bennett in his blanket and flew him around the bed. The boy laughed and laughed and I stopped crying.

Love how chunky he is.

I hope your Christmas was wonderful, and if it's too soon for wonderful, gentle.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-23T08:30:00.000-08:00

The next few days are going to be busy, busy, busy. I hope your holiday is wonderful however you choose to spend it (under the covers is absolutely acceptable). May you have a beautiful weekend full of love and laughter. My heart is with those who have a place around the tree or at the table where a sweet baby should be. We have been blessed ten times over this year. Though this is a sad time of year I am grateful for Bennett and the joy he has brought to our lives, and I am thankful for the loving Savior whose birth is the reason for Christmas.

Peace, love and merry Christmas from our family to yours!

12.21.11

2011-12-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

I've walked every day this week. Long walks: to town twice, down to the creek and around the war memorials once. So much heartache, too bad I can't walk it off, shed it at the war memorials where sadness gathers like fog.

Although I am walking something off because I was able to get in an old pair of jeans without doing squats this morning. Do you ever do deep knee bends to get your pants on? It's humbling. Also humbling: I bought a full length mirror because I finally have a good place for it now that we've moved upstairs. I think I was better off not knowing how I looked before leaving the house. It's impossible to be put together and clean when you have a baby.

The blog has been so gloomy lately. I think it's time for some Bennett pictures to brighten things up:

Bennett likes to sit (and stand) but I don't have a Bumbo so I've been propping him in a laundry basket with toys. My mom gave me this idea.

What should I play with?

Yesterday I got a Bumbo (borrowed from my sister) and so far Bennett hasn't been impressed with the idea. I don't like it because he arches has back when I put him in it so I hover over him. With the laundry basket I can prop him up, give him toys, and make dinner, or clean the house. He arches his back while in the laundry basket too (dude wants to walk) but he sits low enough that I don't have to worry about him tipping or falling.

Favorite activity: standing, walking, falling.

This is how he scoots: he gathers the blanket in his hands and then pulls as hard as he can. It works 25% of the time.

Sleeping with his elephant. He has become quite attached to her recently. I call her Ella. Original, no?

Sweetness

He can lift his head so well now. I hope he will be ready for his Johnny Jump Up on Christmas.

Rolling!

He is getting better at rolling from his stomach to back and he is so close to rolling from back to stomach.

Sigh. Big boy, so cliched, but true. Remember this?

placenta encapsulation comes through

2011-12-20T15:47:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I pulled my stash of placenta capsules from the back of the fridge to the front and started taking them daily again. Though I forgot today and I feel like I've been run over by a truck, repeatedly. I am so glad I saved enough to get me through the holidays, and maybe her second birthday too if I don't need them all in the next few days.

I'm blogging every day, which means things are tough, tough, tough, and I need an outlet to ease the pressure some.

In the new year - therapy - counseling - it's time. Though I've said it before, though I've halfheartedly tried to find someone in the past, this time I'm serious. If I didn't have the capsules I would need some other form of medication, so probably time to work things through.

I hate that I'm somewhat missing Bennett's first Christmas. I don't like being back here, in the deep, deep grief, when tears come in furious waves with no warning.

In the morning I don't want to get up, but Bennett needs tending, so up I get, to the fridge I shuffle, and thirty or forty minutes after taking the capsules I feel like I'm ready to handle the day, to laugh and play with my baby without feeling breathless with grief.

The breathlessness: I forgot how much my lungs hurt that first year without her. The grief - constant, crushing - made it so hard to breathe and now that it's back I don't know how I let its weight slip from my mind.

While out shopping this morning with my mom and niece a woman cooed over Bennett and then asked, "How old is your daughter?" And for a split second I thought she meant Charlotte. I wanted to say, nineteen months! I can't believe you can see her! but then I blinked and said, oh, that's my niece, and as I turned the stroller away I shook my head, chided myself for thinking she could see someone who is gone, gone, gone.

12.19.11

2011-12-19T14:46:00.000-08:00

Having one of those days where B is (finally!) down for his nap and I'm sprawled on the couch, feet propped, hoping it lasts a good long while and thinking I need a huge glass of Diet Pepsi with tons o' ice. I don't drink, you see, well, not really, I love me a beer once a week or so during the summer, but on days like this I don't think hmmm, a drink with lots of gin, I think hmmm, a big fat Diet Pepsi, even though it may very well give me cancer.

The whole nursing deal makes consuming caffeine difficult, though Bennett doesn't seem affected by it. I ate my weight in chocolate while on our usual Monday walk so I don't want to have anything else with caffeine in it. (And I don't have any in the house so that makes the consuming of it difficult.) My friend had to stop at See's to buy a Christmas present and it was crazy busy. I had two babies, plus a five-year-old to entertain for quite some time while she went inside the very small store to purchase her things. She made up for this, which really wasn't too hard except for when the babies were fussing and the five-year-old wanted his gloves on at the same time and I wasn't doing a good enough job of assisting, by giving me chocolates.

I really, really didn't want to walk today, but it was good to get out. Bennett is just ... whew ... The screaming, oh my stars, the screaming. Screaming while nursing, screaming while not napping, screaming when I sit, walk, rock. There's laughter too, but not nearly enough. I bought a teether while out on our walk and he tried to consume the thing before going down for his nap, hopefully it continues to help.

On top of all this I'm sad. Super, super, super sad. Missing my baby girl sad. Still can't believe I have a dead daughter sad. I think some part of my brain thought life would be easier with a living baby, simply because I would have a living baby, but it's still hard, I still have a dead baby, that is concrete, never changing, and the weight of it still knocks me over sometimes. And it's one of those hard times, with lots of tears, and a deep desire to lay flat on the floor and be still, not move for a while, let the sadness do its thing, where it crashes in like waves on a beach, over and over and over again.

This is our second Christmas without Charlotte. In five and a half months it will be two years since she was born. The idea of that nearly knocked me over the other day. I should have a nineteen month old, the idea of which is completely unfathomable. The holidays suck when you are missing someone. No way around it, doesn't matter how many months, weeks, years out you are.

She is missing, there is so much empty space where her little body should be. Sometimes her absence feels so huge I can't see my way to a state other than sad.

Stockings!

2011-12-18T17:45:00.000-08:00

I asked a friend to make stockings for us. I couldn't find anything I liked, and there's no way I could make them, so I asked and she said yes, of course. I love, love, love the stockings she made. We picked the fabric, handed it over and she sewed up these beauties:

From left to right: mine, J's, Bennett's and Charlotte's. It's a little silly to have a full size stocking for Charlotte, but I wanted one.

We picked a different fabric for the insides. Aren't they amazing? I wish I had crafty talents.

And she had leftover fabric so she whipped up a holiday pillow for us as well.

Of course I put him in his baby's first Chrsitmas sleeper and tried to stuff him in his stocking.

What is this? Why should I care?

This sleeper is so strange. I'm glad I bought it at the consignment store. It buttons up the back, opens like a sack kind-of. It looks really odd on Bennett because it's too big

All of his clothes are too big. He doesn't have enough neck or belly for any of his shirts so they always gape which makes me crazy. Superficial, silly, yes. I bought the cutest reversible pants for him the other day - also too big - but at least when I roll these there are dinosaurs on the cuffs.

It's a good thing this boy is so cute because the cranky monster is currently residing inside of him, which is making him super grumpy and fussy. Teething is rough, friends, and we have no idea what to do. He is drooling like mad, happy, sad, happy, sad, not napping well, nursing constantly, wearing us out. I can see a little white bud on the bottom, wonder how long it will be before it pops through?

let's slow things down, B

2011-12-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

Bennett is growing so fast my uterus now believes he is no longer a baby and is urging me to create another baby for it to house. I refuse to entertain the notion. Well, I'm trying to refuse. I think I'm losing the argument.

This evening Bennett was having naked time on the floor in the nursery. He has a bit of a rash on his bum and I cannot make the darn thing go away. Tried Burt's Bees diaper rash cream, now we're on Earth Mama Angel Baby bum cream and lots of naked time. I hope his super sensitive skin won't force me to cloth diaper him. His legs are super dry right now too, and he has a couple personal issues, and well he's a bit of a mess. Perhaps it's time for a doctor visit.

Anyway, floor time, naked, all happy on his big robot blanket that someone at J's work made for him. I put him on his stomach for a while to see if he would roll over and you know what he did? Scooted forward on his belly!! I kid you not. I called J in to observe, he said B scooted about three feet before rolling over. That's right friends, he scooted three feet or so and then rolled over. Is he going to be on the move in a couple months? Please tell me no. I'm really not ready.

THEN he went down for sleep time and after sleeping for a bit he woke up. I soothed him down twice and then J headed in to rock him a bit. B lost it, screaming his head off, inconsolable, like nothing we have ever seen. I was upstairs (on pinterest ...) but I asked J to bring him to me so I could see if he wanted to nurse. The boy has wanted to nurse constantly today, goodness knows why, and though I threaten to close this feeding station some days I never do. I was cradling B, trying to nurse him, sooth him, do something to make the screaming stop when I noticed something: he has a tooth poking through! Seriously!!

We gave him his first dose of Tylenol, he nursed, then he got crazy happy, laughing like a mad baby, now he's passed out next to me. Apparently Tylenol makes my baby high. I'm in denial about the tooth, I really can't believe he has one coming in already. If it's really his first tooth we will have to discuss kindness and gentleness while nursing.

As if all that wasn't enough excitement for one day this morning I noticed that Charlotte's rose is still blooming. It's been blooming continuously since May. How crazy amazing is that?

Christmas Traditions

2011-12-16T22:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas is almost here!!!! I want to open my presents now! I know J bought me a pair of pants for when I go out walking, which will be so nice since I have to walk in jeans now because the walking pants I was wearing are too thin for this weather. And I alternated them with a pair of yoga pants day and night for a week straight while we were in the hospital after B was born so they're a bit worn out.

We had lots of Christmas traditions growing up. I want to incorporate some of them - reading from the Bible as a family on Christmas Eve will be included for sure - but others haven't worked so far. My mom used to buy a family game that we would open on Christmas Eve and play. I have tried to incorporate that with J, but there's only two of us so it hasn't worked out. Maybe in a few years ...?? My sister has everyone in the family unwrap new pajamas and a movie on Christmas Eve so they can have cozy movie time the night before the big event. Perhaps I will steal her idea.

I want to make homemade cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning, but I think that may be too ambitious. I want to make fudge too, but I need to get on that in the next few days and time is going by so fast since B was born. I think the most likely scenario is that I will blink a few times and Christmas morning will be upon us. And J is taking the week after Christmas off so we can visit family, which means I have to pack up the baby and his stuff. First trip away from home with B, what do I bring? His whole room? Just thinking about how many diapers I should pack is making my head spin.

And speaking of B I've found one million things I want to buy for him, but he's little and doesn't need much and I don't want him thinking Christmas is all about gifts.

BUT

How cute is this?

And this?

Why do I love expensive toys? He is getting a Johnny Jump Up and three books. That's PLENTY. Must keep telling myself that!

It's hard because his mama really, really loves gifts. It's my love language, just ask J. If he wants something he knows he can always present a chocolate bar followed by his case and receive a yes with little questioning. I'm pretty sure that's how he ended up with a new computer for Christmas this year ...

Happy Baby

2011-12-15T19:27:00.000-08:00

Finally got his three month picture! Only a week late.

And a video of him laughing in his crib. Love, love, love!!

oh dear

2011-12-14T13:13:00.000-08:00

After much encouragement, but no luck receiving an invite, I asked someone from the wide world of the book to add me.

Five minutes later I was in and absolutely lost in pinning land. Why is it so addicting? Why did I stay up until 11:00 last night messing around? Wait, I have an answer for that one, it's because B was alternating between sleep and screaming his head off, stupid vaccines - or maybe he's teething??

It makes me want things - a giant library, a log cabin, crafting skills, cooking patience, a green thumb ... Perhaps Pinterest is meant for people like me, a place to put dreams that will never come to be because the skills are simply lacking. There are people who gather ideas from Pinterest and make their lives beautiful, but I haven't mastered cutting a straight line (seriously, the wrapping paper I bought this year has a grid on the reverse side to make cutting easy and I'm still having issues) so probably shouldn't tackle too much crafty DIY.

Are you on it? Do you like it? Come find me. Also, how do you say it? My neighbor friends say it with ease, but I can't form the sounds correctly. Also, I have 40-50 new visitors to my blog every day, but I only know a few of my readers. If you're new, or quiet, introduce yourself, please. I've been craving company lately, but I don't really want to leave the house.

love/trust

2011-12-13T12:39:00.000-08:00

There are no words to express to someone who has no children how difficult being a parent is. Had someone told me I would be this confused and lost I would have laughed and said, surely it's not that hard. Um, yes, it is. Some nights, and the past couple have been like this, when 9:00 rolls around and Bennett is still wide awake I want to - and sometimes do - cry from frustration.

Last night J swooped in and rocked him while I showered and took a few deep breaths. I told J I feel like I'm lacking in some way, but he said that is why there are two parents, so someone else is around to relieve the pressure sometimes. Shouldn't I, as a mother, be able to put my baby to sleep without losing my mind? Why doesn't motherhood come with infinite patience?

I have all of these ideas of what Bennett should be doing, which means I get frustrated when he does things a different way. I've always been like this, unable to handle deviation with grace or calm. Apparently everything bad and good about a personality comes along when the transition from person to mother occurs. Who knew?

Last night Bennett finally settled down and went to sleep only to wake after a couple hours. He was fussy from vaccines and a congested nose - we have got to get the congested nose under control somehow, it has ruled our lives most of his short life - and I pulled him in bed with me even though I've been trying to do less of that. And you know what he did? He snuggled in, quieted down, lifted his hand, which was curled into a fist of course, and gently rubbed my face until he drifted off, which took all of five minutes.

As I lay next to him waiting for sleep to come for me I thought about how determined I am to do things right, even though it's anyone's guess what that means. Time and again in the three short months he's been here I've circled the idea of letting go, doing my best, following instinct instead of books or articles, but I always drift from that ideal over to self-doubt and once I land there I have a hard time shifting back over to listening to my instincts.

Am I the only one who really, really struggles with this? Am I the only one who has to resolve to do better, to ignore the books, to look at him and see he is happy, well rested, calm, and secure, and let that be my guide?

How can I get frustrated with him for waking up and needing me in the middle of the night? He instantly settles when I let him sleep next to me, so why not let it happen, and ignore the voice in my head that says, he will never sleep alone, he will struggle with sleep for the rest of his life.

He was with me for thirty-nine weeks straight. He has been outside the womb for a mere three months, of course he needs me, wants me, settles down best when he is next to me. Why do we live in a culture that discourages this?

This may be the only time I get to experience babyhood with a child that is mine - though my heart hurts at that thought - so why not let go, do what is best for him, ensure he feels safe, loved, secure? I am his starting point, his beginning, and I want him to know he can always find safe harbor where he began.

12.12.11

2011-12-12T13:35:00.000-08:00

Sweet Bennett boy had his second round of vaccines today. We split his two month shots up, half at his two month visit, half today, and removed two entirely because they didn't seem necessary/we want to postpone them. Since it was a quick visit for shots only we did not see our doctor, we were in and out in ten minutes. I love Bennett's doctor, but have only had one good nurse in the three months we've been taking him in. What do I do about that? Most of the nurses act like they hate their jobs. If you work in a pediatrician's office I want smiles, and you best tell me my baby is the cutest thing you've ever laid eyes on. I'm sorry you have to say it thirty times a day, it's your job.

Bennett is OUT. He's been asleep for two hours now. I hate vaccines, I don't like to see my baby passed out like he's been on a holiday bender. I know it's better he have one or two bad days instead of a terrible illness, but I can't stand the face he makes when hurting.

While the nurse was out of the room preparing the vaccines I popped Bennett on the scale really fast. He is 11 lbs 8 oz with a onesie and wet diaper. I thought he would be creeping up towards 12 lbs, but he's not quite there yet. I have a small baby, yes? It does make it easy to haul him around though.

I stayed up way too late last night watching "Once Upon a Time." Anyone else loving this slightly overacted show? I'm going to curl up with Bennett, watch another episode or two, hope he doesn't wake with a fever. He didn't have a fever with his first round of vaccines, and he wasn't very fussy either, but we may not be as lucky this time.

quickly

2011-12-11T16:37:00.001-08:00

Two weeks 'til Christmas! I can't believe it's so close. A year ago I craved a baby, a second chance, someone to get up in the morning for. Now I have a three month old chewing his hand and talking to me as I type this.

Life moves fast. Do you ever stop and think about how far you've come, how much has changed, how where you are is so different (but that could be good or bad) than where you expected to be?

mama brain and other things

2011-12-10T17:05:00.001-08:00

I posted Bennett's three month update without including, or taking, his three month picture. My brain is not what it used to be. I can barely form sentences some days. Entire conversations slip from my mind and when people remind me of them I search through my scattered mind for scraps of recollection, but come up empty. I've always prided myself on remembering things, but since Bennett was born my brain has switched from pregnancy forgetfulness to mama forgetfulness and mama forgetfulness is leaps and bounds beyond pregnancy forgetfulness.

I have now forgotten what else I was going to write about ...

I kid.

SO, J and I, well I, decided it was high time to rearrange all the furniture in this here house. I've been wanting to move our bedroom upstairs for a while, but I was holding out, hoping we would get a bathroom installed. Since that may never, ever happen, though I long for a second bathroom, I decided we should move on up, that it would be nice to have a large bedroom that I can walk around in instead of a tiny little box that barely holds our bedroom furniture.

The move did not go as planned.

My armoire, which I dearly love, is now in Bennett's room, because it simply would not fit up the stairs, and due to its construction there is no way to take it apart, and his dresser is now upstairs. We have a closet up here, but it only has one clothing rail so we will have to (by this I mean J) figure out a means to hang our clothes. There is talk of closet systems, built ins, plans online, wood carving, ice sculpting ... I have no idea, but J does and is going to work on it someday. (His project list makes me shudder. It's about three yards long.) We have a lot more work to do before we have things sorted, but so far I like the change.

Last night was J's work party. I was dressed just fine, thanks for helping me out with the holiday dress mess - again. J was named employee of the year. I am so very proud. He was selected by his fellow employees and everyone had kind things to say about him.

We are all hanging out on the unmade bed upstairs. The boys are sleeping, but Bennett will wake soon and I really need to consider giving him a bath. This afternoon I realized I haven't bathed him since Thanksgiving!!!! Shoot, that's embarrassing.

3 Months

2011-12-08T19:54:00.001-08:00

I am the mama of a three month old (well, I will be in a few hours, but posting this now because now is when I have the time!). When did that happen?? Bennett is the most incredible baby. I am so thankful J works hard to provide for us so I can stay home with the boy. He changes on a daily, sometimes hourly it seems, basis and I am blessed to watch him grow.

Before I drop a thousand or so pictures into this post I want to share some of his latest tricks:

- He rolled over once, hasn't tried it since.
- Anything and everything that wanders near his mouth goes in. He is getting better at bringing things to his mouth, but is not so good at releasing his fists so it's all a bit awkward and strange looking. He wants to grasp and hang onto things, but his fingers just won't uncurl. The baby books suggest rubbing the back of the hand to encourage opening. Doesn't work, he just looks at me like I'm crazy.
- Bennett laughs now. When he really gets going I laugh so hard I can't catch my breath. "The Bear Went Over the Mountain," (though I sing "The Bennett went over the mountain,") and "The Wheels on the Bus," crack him up. He also likes it when I moo, but is not impressed when J does it. J says that's because he is uber smart and knows who the cow in the family is. Ha-ha, J, ha-ha.
- He loves to stand up. He wobbles back and forth, eyes wide, laughs, smiles, drools.
- The drooling, oh my goodness, it's insane. He soaks two or three shirts every day. I suppose I should put a bib on him. I'm reluctant to admit it, but I think he's been pre-teething (is there such a thing?) since the Saturday before Thanksgiving.
- Bennett goes crazy on his changing table. Kicks his legs, waves his hands around, babbles.
- He loves to talk. When we read to him he talks and talks and talks. He also gets going when J arrives home from work, like he just has to tell him all about his day and everything that happened while he was out.
- If he gets good traction Bennett will scoot a bit on his back.
- I am no longer allowed to leave the room. He is so social, he wants me chatting with him or playing with him at all times. If I leave to grab lunch, or go to the bathroom, or fetch sometime from the nursery he yells and cries until I come back. As soon as I am back in the room and talking to him he is all smiles. It's nice to be loved.
- Bennett has a daily routine! I have no idea how this happened, or if I facilitated it or what, but it has happened. Sleeping in his co-sleeper all night is still a problem, but we have made lots of progress and he is one happy baby now that I've figured out he likes to go to bed no later than 6:30.

I'm sorry, I've turned this into a baby book. I just don't want to forget anything, and right now this is the easiest way to keep track of what he is doing. How about some pictures to ease the pain of all that boring text? A lot of these are from my phone. It's usually closer than the camera.

We love books. I read a different book to him every day, which has made me realize I have way more children's books than I need.

This is my favorite picture of all time. Bennett looks like he wants to dive into the book.

Having a moment with Sophie.

Out for a walk. At least once a week we walk a fair piece with our neighbors. It is so good for me, but tiring. We often do three or more miles.

The first time he brought something to his mouth without assistance!

That smile melts my heart.

He likes to sit up, doesn't understand why he can't do it on his own. I prop him between my legs and give him toys to play with.

Sometimes the whole bringing things to mouth game doesn't work out so well.

Mama, stop taking pictures and help me!

Impossible to get a non-blurry picture of him stepping across the bed. He loves to be on the move.

Hello, baby. We love you.

Our Babies Are Always With Us

2011-12-08T08:47:00.001-08:00

One of the midwives present at Charlotte's birth sent me this article: Babies' Cells Linger, May Protect Mothers.

Make sure you have tissues in hand before you follow the link.

Things have been difficult here the past few days. All three of us are sick AGAIN, I've been working through a lot of grief and holiday sadness. I read this article late last night, curled up in bed with a fussy baby who wanted to sleep, but couldn't breathe, and as I read it I felt surrounded by magic, mystery, Charlotte.

I hope knowing we carry our babies with us, even if we lost early on, eases the pain a bit for you too.

One of those days

2011-12-06T15:02:00.001-08:00

Yes, one of those. It's cold, the baby is snotty - oh so snotty - which is making him cough, I'm wearing J's sweats, I've had the same nursing tank on for ... three days?, the dog won't stop barking at trivial things, my house isn't all that messy, but feels like it will never be clean again.

I wrapped presents today. I wrapped a book, one of a few, wrote "To: B, From: Mama and Daddy." Sat there with pen in hand and thought, shoot, one more thing we will never do for her. No birthdays or holidays or special occasions, no chances to write "To: Charlotte, From or Love or Just Because: Mama and Daddy.

The holidays hit hard, even with the little kicker next to me, who has just figured out how to operate his hands - his hands! who knew they existed! - and is so proud of his new holding on and bringing to mouth skills.

This is a hard month. I'm sad and happy, up and down, wishing for her, but so grateful for him.

I asked a friend to make stockings for us this year. One for me, J, Bennett, and one for Charlotte. A stocking for a dead baby, ornaments for a dead baby .. how strange life is. I don't know if one ever fully adjusts to the reality of having a child who no longer breathes, who barely existed, who has things but no presence.

Bennett's Birth

2011-12-05T14:20:00.001-08:00

I've been working on this for a while, slowly piecing together what I remember, which isn't much. Charlotte's birth is much clearer. I have been hesitant to post this. I feel like I did a poor job birthing Bennett because I fell apart while delivering. And the climate is still a bit unfriendly around here. I don't want to write something that someone can spin and use against me or my midwife.

****************

Bennett William

September 9, 2011

3:42 am

The end of my pregnancy was an emotionally difficult time for me. I felt like I was drowning in anxiety. I wasn't sleeping well, every morning for a month I would wake up sick to my stomach. From 36.5 weeks on, my first false labor moment, I was sick on and off. My body was trying to prepare for labor, at least that's what I think, but I couldn't let go, allow it to happen. I also had a small amount of bloody show and a false water breaking moment in the days before Bennett was born. My body was ready, but my mind put its foot down.

I was exhausted and scared. I cried. I experienced terrifying panic attacks. I listened to the Hypnobabies fear clearing track over and over and over. I talked to my midwife, I prayed, I tried to focus on something outside the pregnancy, but couldn't manage it. The mind can affect labor and birth in monumental ways. My midwife and Dr. K were surprised I made it to 39 weeks since I was dilated to 5 cm at 36 weeks.

Dr. K said he would induce no sooner than 39 weeks. I was set to go to the hospital on the evening of the 8th. The plan was to break my water, give me a couple hours, if no progression happened Pitocin would be administered. I didn't like the plan, but I couldn't cope with any other plans. Dr. K was willing to let me hit 40 weeks before induction, and he said I could go past 40 but he would not recommend it, but the anxiety was too intense for me to contemplate going past 40.

Around 11:00 on the 8th my midwife came over. I wanted her to strip my membranes, see if I could get a jump start on the hospital induction, render it unnecessary. The stripping of my membranes was uncomfortable, but effective. I immediately had bloody show, cramping, and lots of back pain.

I paced in the living room, waiting for something to happen, while my midwife ate lunch and watched me. Okay, she probably did more than just stare at me, and I know I sat down and we chatted some while she ate, but it felt like she was watching, waiting to see what would happen. Dr. K and my midwife were concerned Bennett would come fast because it seemed like my body was doing a lot of work in the weeks before he was born.

After an hour and a half or so had passed I called J at work, told him he should come home soon. My midwife called Dr. K's office to let him know we would head down to the hospital in a couple hours. I was hesitant about going, wasn't sure if it was actually labor because it felt so different from my labor with Charlotte, but my midwife said I went from slightly uncomfortable to very restless in a short period of time so it was time to move.

We arrived at the hospital in the late afternoon. After checking in we were taken upstairs to a corner room on the labor and delivery floor. I was hooked up to monitors, accessed in case an IV was needed, paperwork was filled out, Dr. K came in, at some point it was decided that I was most definitely in labor.

We walked the halls for a while. My back really, really hurt. I still wasn't convinced I was in labor because I didn't have any pain in my abdomen. I couldn't feel my uterus contracting so figured we were in for a Pitocin induction later that evening.

My other main symptom was intense pelvic pressure. At the house I would squat to ease the pressure. By the time we reached the hospital I was squatting and using my hand to apply counter pressure to reduce the feeling. I looked like a child in need of a bathroom, but I could not stop myself from squatting and applying counter pressure, even in the hospital lobby.

J thinks I am crazy for wanting to deliver at night because I lose so much sleep, but the idea of going to the hospital on the morning of the 9th only made me more anxious. It seemed like it would be busy, rushed, hectic, so I chose the late night option.

We would walk for a while - me, J, my midwife, her apprentice all trailing down the hallway - then head back to the room for more monitoring. The back pain, oh my goodness, words fail me. The pain radiated up and down my right side, but not my left, and I could not get relief.

I tried hands and knees on the bed with my midwife, or her apprentice, massaging. I tried the birth ball. I tried standing. I tried squatting. Eventually I ended up in the shower, standing under the hot water, squatting or kneeling when I got tired of standing.

J said he had no idea what to do, how to help. I guess I asked him to support my back without touching me at one point. He said he just stood behind me, hands spread wide, uncertain how to proceed. I really didn't need J until the end of my labor, when transition happened and things went from intense to out of this world crazy.

My midwife's apprentice brought a camping lantern for me to use in the bathroom so I wouldn't have to labor with bright lights on. Dr. K found it amusing, but admired the idea. I have no idea how long I labored in the shower, but it felt like years. My midwife sat on the other side of the curtain while J and the apprentice sat on the couch in the room and chatted.

Late that night my water broke. I thought that would get things going, but it turned out that was my fore bag, which was holding me open to 8 cm, and my hind bag had yet to break. At the time no one knew I had two bags of water though, so everyone prepared for things to speed up. But they didn't. Instead I went from 8 cm down to 4 or 5 and my contractions dropped off.

That was so frustrating for me. I would feel the contractions building, think progress was happening, and then find out one of two things: I was not progressing, or I had regressed. If I ever have another baby I am not having cervical checks NO MATTER WHAT. I had way too many during Bennett's pregnancy and labor and knowing what was happening, especially knowing I was regressing, led to lots of disappointment and frustration.

I would know that the contractions were slowing when I would start feeling distracted, followed by feeling hungry, which was soon followed by feelings of frustration and anger. I could not focus myself enough, or I was just too scared, to keep the contractions going.

Around midnight Dr. K offered Pitocin to help things along. He said we could keep going, keep waiting to see if the contractions would eventually sustain without augmentation, but I couldn't get my head around that prospect. I felt like it would never happen, and I just wanted to be done.

I was started on a low dose of Pitocin and it worked really well. I labored on the toilet for a while, though this stressed the nurse out a bit, I think, and then I alternated between leaning on the bed and a big stack of pillows and dropping down to squat on the floor. While leaning on the bed I felt a huge gush of fluid, it was my second bag of waters breaking.

Once that happened I had my first major this is not a joke, it hurts, what the world was I thinking wanting to do this without medication contraction. My labor with Charlotte followed a similar pattern. The last two or three hours of labor, also known as after transition, are PAINFUL for me, but the contractions before then are manageable. Although the back labor I had with Bennett required more from me than the early contractions with Charlotte.

At this point I pretty much lost my mind. Thankfully this made the nurse stop talking about how fabulous I was doing at 8 cm. That nurse .... she was very cheerful and encouraging and amazed by my laboring skills. I wanted to punch her face in. Earlier in my labor she asked me to come out of the bathroom and I said, "Sure, if you'll leave the room." She had a good heart, but she talked a lot, even though I asked her to be quiet.

From the initial serious contraction, which was my first uterine contraction the entire labor - at least that I could feel - until Bennett was out and breathing was emotionally and physically difficult. I screamed with each contraction. I said (yelled more like) I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this. Last time I did this a baby died. He is going to die, he is going to die. I don't want him to die! over and over and over. My midwife rubbed my leg, my ankle, my foot. She was sitting on the floor, I was standing my arms wrapped around J. When the contractions hit I would slide down J to a squat, screaming all the way. Contraction over I would climb my way back up until the next one hit. Initially I was clinging to my midwife, but when the big contractions really got going I wanted J.

And then things get a bit hazy. Or I've blocked it out to the extent that I've made it hazy. The end of labor, as well as the pushing stage, was terrifying and is difficult for me to remember. Dr. K asked if I wanted something for the pain. I said no. The nurse insisted I get on the bed, though I was quite happy squatting on the floor. I asked for a birth stool once or twice. I started pushing. An hour or so after I began pushing, my arms hooked around my midwife and her apprentice's neck, Dr. K using oil, massaging,and coaching so I wouldn't tear, Bennett was born face up (according to J who caught his head) with his hands right by his face.

Ouch. I can't believe I birthed a posterior baby with his hands by his face That's something to be proud of!

I reached down, because someone told me to, can't remember who now, and pulled Bennett the rest of the way out and up to my chest. Dr. K looked at my midwife, who had tears streaming down her face, and said, "Congratulations." I cried a bit, held Bennett close, asked if his color was okay, if he was okay, pointed out that he was breathing. I was shaking all over from hormones, happy to be done with labor, which was twelve hours long this go round, almost unable to believe I had a breathing baby.

Bennett nursed, we snuggled, his life outside the womb began.

Bennett's First Cookie

2011-12-03T19:32:00.001-08:00

We had a Christmas cookie party today. It was quite crazy, but a lot of fun. J made it happen, I just stood to the side and admired his skills (making cookie dough from scratch, rolling out dough, popping cookies in and out of the oven, cleaning the bathroom in between checking cookies, showing off his patio, sweeping up after our guests had left ...).

Here is Bennett cutting out his first Christmas cookie. He was less than impressed, he wanted to chew on his fist and I made him take his hand out of his mouth.

I had to do some odd cropping here - I don't post pictures of people or their kids without permission.

I just found the following picture on the computer. I would normally do just about anything to avoid sharing pictures of me wearing my glasses, but I love this picture. It looks so posed, but I had no idea J was taking it.

It's the most wonderful time of year.

She Is Background

2011-12-02T12:31:00.001-08:00

Blogging with a sleeping baby in arms instead of cleaning house ... it's what I do.

My head, or maybe it's my heart, is so confused. I feel happy, life is wonderful - though I am typing one handed because I burned my fingers to pieces last night when I grabbed my falling flat iron without pausing to consider the massive amounts of heat radiating from it.

BUT

the holidays dredge up grief like no other time, except May - that bleak, dark month on the cusp of summer - and with all the dredging I've realized Charlotte is background now.

She is what came before, she is faded, she is less somehow because her life was so fragile. Fewer breaths lend fewer memories.

And that makes me feel ...

well

there's not really words for how that makes me feel.

How did I come out of all that sad to find this life heaped with happiness?

Why didn't more sorrow come with me?

Not even two years out I've hit the acceptance stage (I think) and it's just strange.

I feel I have everything I ever wanted, though I never knew this simple life is what my soul craved, but how can I feel that way when she is gone?

Last night in the bitter cold, as dusk fell, I hurried home from town, pushing the stroller, Bennett asleep. My friend had veered off to meet her husband, halfway home J met me, Isabel surging ahead of him. I couldn't feel my legs, I wished for a hat, my hands were tucked in my sleeves for warmth, but beneath the discomfort was the knowledge of home, soup, sandwiches and I thought, life is sweet.

How can that be?

dogs and babies

2011-11-30T10:04:00.001-08:00

This post was not in the plans for today, but Bennett is on a nap strike, whimpers and whines unless he is right next to me on the couch. I think (hope) if I sit here long enough he will sleep. I want to clean the house because we are having a bundle of people over Saturday for a cookie decorating party, but Bennett needs me to help him sleep.

So, Isabel.

I love her sweet puppy self, but she makes life difficult. Some days I think I will lose my mind if she barks and wakes Bennett one more time. Poor dear gets shouted at far more than she is used to, and she gets less walks too. I had no idea it would be so difficult to manage a dog and a baby. I feel like I have a toddler who can't communicate, but always wants my attention, as well as a newborn (can I still call Bennett a newborn, or are we past that stage?).

If Isabel was better on the leash I could walk her when I head out with Bennett. When we adopted her from the humane society her intake papers said, "likes cats, loves children, good on walks, knows how to heel." Lies, every single one. Children scare her, she tries to kill cats, and when she is on leash she pulls and tugs like mad.

She is a smart dog, I am certain we could train her to heel, but we've been too lazy.

Now that we have a live tree in the house life is even more complicated. Isabel likes to lie under the tree, which makes needles go every which way, and they end up all over the house because she gets them in her fur and then walks around.

I like real Christmas trees. I love real Christmas trees. Why do I always forget how much of a nightmare a real Christmas tree is?

At this very moment there is plenty of room for Isabel to curl up on her bed next to the tree, but she is half under the tree instead, whining.

I just read over this post and laughed - quietly - Bennett just drifted off. How blessed am I that this is what I have to complain about?

! Isabel is now scooting even further under the tree and attempting to eat the branches, or maybe she is licking the extension cord ... now I have to stop her without waking Bennett.

There will be nineteen people in this here house come Saturday. Thank goodness I have friends who love me even if I have evergreen needles all over the house and a dog who will not stay off the tree skirt.

He rolls!

2011-11-29T08:22:00.001-08:00

I put Bennett down on his tummy this morning, stepped out of the room, heard him fussing, so rushed back in and found a confused baby on his back! He was quite upset by the whole thing, and of course won't do it again so I can capture a video.

Yesterday I read a fabulous bit about baby milestones and how useless they really are, but as soon as Bennett rolled I wanted to hop on Google and find out if my baby was rolling early, which would make him a genius, of course.

I'm just so proud of him. I feel like he's the first baby who has ever discovered how to do this. Silly, I know.

Babies are fascinating! I wonder if he will roll again soon or if he will take a break for a while.

Before I start laundry a random question for you smart people: Bennett likes to hold onto something when he is falling asleep, a blanket, my hand, my shirt. When is it safe to leave him alone with a blanket or lovie?

11.28.11

2011-11-28T09:03:00.001-08:00

While reading through a parenting book this weekend - toxic stuff, I tell ya - I realized I have very little confidence as a parent. I constantly think I'm doing something - everything - wrong. Honestly, I expect someone, some parenting deity, to swoop down and take Bennett away if I don't do exactly right. And I think it may tie in to losing Charlotte, to feeling like I did something wrong with her. Every time I think I put those feelings behind me stuff comes up - you know stuff - and it makes the doubt come back. And it comes back stronger because it's fueled by so much hate.

I should NOT be sitting here typing this. I should be readying Bennett and I to head out to get my hair cut, but I would rather sit here and be sad, soak in missing her. I haven't had much chance to do that since Bennett arrived, and while I think that is a good, healthy thing, I miss the wallowing a bit.

The holidays are full of such joy this year, but there's a fair amount of sorrow too. I feel like I'm waiting to see which one is heavier, how the scales will tip, if the happiness of Bennett's first Christmas can outweigh the sorrow of a second Christmas without Charlotte.

Calm Your Crazy: Picture Update

2011-11-26T18:03:00.001-08:00

The holidays are upon us! I know this because we've had three Thanksgivings and I'm exhausted and yesterday morning J looked at me over a mound of peeled potatoes and said, "Angela, calm your crazy." There will be much, much more of that kind of talk around here as Christmas approaches.

Bennett has a lot of cousins! They are all fascinated with him.

Grandpa can put any baby to sleep, whether you want them to sleep or not.

My sister's daughter outgrew this toy so she is letting us borrow it. Bennett LOVES it. When he kicks the blue piece the things above his belly spin - very technical description, I know.

Mama, it's spinning!!

We bought our tree this morning! We found a great tree farm that allows dogs and with our Groupon it was only $15.00 for our tree (normally $25.00, I love the Northwest).

I like the saw in this picture.

Isabel ran and ran and ran and ran and jumped in the creek and ran and ran and jumped in the creek ...

J chopped the tree down, dragged it out, and then we realized we didn't have any cash so I walked the farm with a sleeping baby while Isabel did some more running and jumping in the creek. I felt like a pioneer woman from a Willa Cather novel wandering the plains, except there was a bonfire and cider if I got cold.

We have a tree! Now we need to decorate it.

Here's a few random pictures of the boy from the past week.

It is getting difficult to take pictures of him, he is always on the move.

We have been running here, there and everywhere. Bennett is exhausted. He slept in his crib last night (!!) from 8:45 pm -1:00 am. It was astonishing, unexpected. And I managed to keep the checking to a semi-normal level, although I was panicking inside. I appreciate all of the comments on the sleep post, by the way. We are slowly figuring things out - although as soon as I think that Bennett goes and changes his mind on when, how, where he is going to sleep.

I'm cranky, REALLY cranky, so I should go consume a bit of chocolate or curl up with a book or go to bed so J and Bennett will continue wanting to live with me.

Two Minutes

2011-11-24T13:12:00.001-08:00

I have two minutes before I need to feed and dress B and scoot out the door. I didn't realize I would be sad today, that the tears would hover close to the surface. Our second Thanksgiving without her, our second Christmas just around the corner.

deep breaths,

deep breaths.

My heart is with everyone who is missing someone at their table tonight. And for those with fresh grief, my heart aches for you. That first year cuts deeper than one can imagine.

11.23.11

2011-11-23T19:14:00.001-08:00

I only have a few minutes, but must ask, how does your baby sleep? I am going out of my head trying to get Bennett to sleep without being held. He sleeps wonderfully as long as I am holding him or sleeping next to him, but if I try to put him down he wakes up and cries. I won't - or maybe it's can't - let him cry it out so when he fusses I either pull him into bed with me or pick him up and begin the process all over again.

All day every day we play, he nurses, he falls asleep in arms, I gingerly set him down, he wakes, I pick him up, he falls asleep, I sit with him until he wakes to play or nurse ... At night it take TWO to THREE hours to get him down. He doesn't cry, thank goodness, but he fights sleep like it's the devil itself.

I am shaking my fist at Weissbluth and Sears and all other sleep books. I'm frustrated, but not tired, because he does sleep well at night as soon as I cave and pull him into bed with me. J insists he doesn't like the co-sleeper, but he doesn't seem to like his crib either. Yesterday was a good day. He napped in his crib in the afternoon, on our bed in the morning. So there's hope. I'm just tired of spending all of my time putting him to sleep or holding him while he sleeps.

Perhaps I'm not following the best schedule for him? I would love to put him down when he is drowsy, let him self soothe, but that doesn't work AT ALL. Does that ever work??

Sometimes when I lay him down he does fine until his pacifier falls out, but he won't fall asleep without the pacifier. So of course I am wondering if we landed ourselves in a real mess by giving him a pacifier in the first place. He receives such comfort from it though, and goes to sleep quickly when we give it to him.

I am doubting myself for so many reasons. Sometimes I just don't get this parenting thing. I have friends who scoop their sleepy babies up, pop them in their crib, and BAM the babe is out. Even if Bennett is fully asleep he rarely stays asleep when put down.

I know he is young and I should enjoy him because he will only be this young once, but it would be nice to have a moment to clean the house, fetch lunch, start dinner.

Tell me it's just a phase. Please. I've been telling myself that for six weeks now, but hearing it from another party might help.

Give Thanks

2011-11-22T08:58:00.001-08:00

I am not going to have time to write this later in the week. I have twenty pounds of potatoes with my name on them. Send help please, that is a whole lot of peeling.

I think it's a little silly that we celebrate the harvest with pumpkin pie and turkey, but I love that Thanksgiving is a family holiday wherein we appreciate all we have been given.

And we have received so many blessings this year.

I am thankful for the usual - the house, J's job, food, clothing, family, friends, a loving Savior - but this year I have BIG things to be thankful for: kind caregivers who walked through a very difficult pregnancy with me, new friends (and old) who really, really get me and my particular brand of crazy (these friends are like family and I've learned that such friendships should be cultivated and cherished), a family who patiently waited for me to work through my grief.

And then there's Bennett's birth, a terrifying and amazing moment that produced one wonderful baby.

He still gets hiccups all the time. J calls them the Bennetts.

I am also thankful for this blog, which gives me an outlet, a place to share all about our little lives in this soaking valley in Oregon.

I must give special mention to my mama this year. When Bennett was born she knew I didn't want anyone at the hospital, but she said she would stay at a nearby hotel to preserve her own sanity. Two minutes after Bennett was born I asked for my mom. Ten minutes later she was running through the hospital to the labor and delivery ward.

On Sunday my mom showed up to see Bennett dedicated at both services. J and I smiled, silly Grandma anxious to see every moment, but then we needed her. We loaded her up with baby paraphernalia and our jackets while Bennett was dedicated in the first service.

Yesterday she helped me grocery shop because J is so busy at work this week he can't spare a moment. She has stayed over every Thursday night so I can have a break, get some sleep. I could mention hundreds of other moments when she helped me, but I will spare you that. I would be less of a parent without her, that is for sure.

And of course there is J. We have been through a lot in five years, but we are still standing strong. He is watching Bennett tonight so I can go see Breaking Dawn with friends. It will be terrible, yes?

Happy Thanksgiving to all my US readers (and you Canadians too, I think you celebrate it, only earlier).

Whether you celebrate or not, what are you thankful for?

Dedication

2011-11-21T06:11:00.001-08:00

Okay ... So ... I'm here. Bennett was dedicated yesterday and I want to share pictures, so here I am. You all have flooded me with comments, emails, and love. Thank you.

Bennett did not poop for four (!) days so he was required to stay in diaper only until just before church. He pooped a ton in the morning, made it through the dedication at the end of first service, pooped, was a stinky sleepy boy for the dedication at the end of second service. I am so glad I learned just this week that onesies are designed to go down as opposed to over the head for incidences such as these. My mom has eight grandchildren, she said it's the most amazing blow out she has ever seen.

Hanging with his block while J and I finished readying ourselves.

I bought these sweet booties from Etsy. I bought a brown pair with red piping too.

I was so excited I went a little crazy with the pictures.

We were in the center at the end of second service so it's hard to see us.

Pastor praying over Bennett. Sweet boy did so well, he chewed his fist throughout the first dedication, slept through the second. The pastor mentioned his sweet disposition while praying over him.

After the dedication the congregation is invited to bless the parents and babies. First service tends to be older folk, we got swarmed. Second service was a lot calmer, we were able to get a good family picture.

We went out to lunch after. Bennett received presents! I had no idea that would happen, we should have invited more people. (I'm kidding).

Cousin love while Grandpa looks on.

We had our first Thanksgiving, a pre-Thanksgiving, with friends on Saturday. It was SO much fun. I can't wait for Thanksgiving two and three on Thursday and Friday. I am thankful for a bundle of things this year, but top of the list is definitely this guy:

Hanging out while J makes pies.

11.17.11

2011-11-17T09:41:00.001-08:00

I'm quitting. I wanted to blog every day, thought it would be good for my creative brain but this is not the month for it. I'm hurting, really hurting. My pride is bruised. I don't like being called foolish, brainwashed, manipulated. Last night I said to J, "The Bible says 'love thine enemies,' but it should say 'love thine enemies even when they call you stupid.'" I need that codicil. I don't feel much compassion right now, even though I know the comments and negativity come from a place of deep emotional pain.

I ache for my midwife. She hurts for me. I want people to understand our relationship, the friendships she builds with her clients, but I can't because hearts and minds are closed. I need to stop beating my head against the proverbial wall.

I feel guilty and ashamed for sharing Charlotte's story. I know this blog has helped others, and it's been a large component of my healing, but now it's causing pain. I never wanted that.

I snapped at J last night because I am sad and hurt. That's not okay.

B needs me.

And J needs me.

Happy, confident, calm, not angry or bitter.

This morning I never want to blog again. I know this feeling will pass. I'm just really, really hurt.

I need to sit with my grief, find forgiveness, rediscover peace.

What We're Reading Now

2011-11-15T21:48:00.001-08:00

These are trying times. I want to hide, pretend I've never heard the word midwife, but that would be unfair, unkind. Thank you for helping me be brave in the face of all that is happening.

I want to talk, write, think about something happy so here's an update on what we're reading.

Bennett

The boy goes crazy when I put books in his lap.

Bennett likes this book because it has slide out pages. Recently he's learned how to track movement like that with his eyes. I like it because it's large, with simple illustrations, and a few odd animals such as the xenops, which is a bird that belongs in the ovenbird family. Thanks Wikipedia.

This is our number one book right now. Bennett loves the illustrations. They're high contrast which makes it easier for him to see them. I love Nikki McClure, I have a few of her prints around the house. She's a Northwest artist, lives up in Olympia, Washington. She takes a single piece of paper and an X-acto knife and creates these incredible works of art. McClure worked on this book while her son was napping. She purposely left it unfinished.

This book is a fun one. I love the illustrations, they are simple, but incredible. Barroux is a well known artist and book illustrator. I bought the book because his name is attached, but fell in love with the concept. Each page features a pet, and then flips open to reveal an extraordinary pet. For example: "A dog needs a raincoat BUT ... a frog is waterproof!" I laugh out loud when I read this one to Bennett.

I always have two or three books going at the same time. My 'to read' pile is staggering, I'm afraid it's going to take over the house soon. And then I go to the library and check out books, which means the 'to read' pile has to wait a bit longer.

I love chick lit. Hate the category, but love the books within. I've always been a bit ashamed of my chick lit. love. I have a degree in literature, I should be reading Chaucer, not Bridget Jones Diary. I'm four chapters into this one and I don't know if I will go much further.

The Grief of Others requires lots of deep breathing and many breaks to collect myself. It's a fictionalized account of a family who loses their third baby when he is born with anencephaly. I'm struggling with this book. It's well written, the story is good, but I cannot relate to the mother AT ALL. In fact, she makes me a little crazy.

I love Elin Hilderbrand. I read all of her books when I was pregnant with Bennett. When I saw a new one at the library last week I squealed with (quiet) joy. Hilderbrand's novels are all set on Nantucket and they are all, every last one of them, big fat beach reads. Silver Girl is about a woman whose husband fleeced a whole lot of people in a Ponzi scheme, a la Bernie Madoff. She escapes to Nantucket with her formally estranged best friend while she waits to find out if she will be sentenced as well. There is vandalism, slashed tires, photographs taken from afar, and a little bit of romance. Silver Girl clocks in at a whopping 405 pages. I started it yesterday, I'll probably finish it today. Hilderbrand's books are so compelling.

Here's a couple more pictures of Bennett reading to brighten your day.

More Than A Statistic

2011-11-15T12:44:00.001-08:00

Life

2011-11-14T07:34:00.001-08:00

This will be a general update post with lots of pictures but I need to say something else first. My story and my midwife have been dragged even further into the anti-midwife mess. When I noticed my stats rising steadily today (over 100 new visitors, usual is 30-40, well over 600 page views, 350-400 is typical) I sought out the source. Another site has linked her birth story, nasty things are being said. My heart is hurting, I am so sad, so much grief is rising to the surface.

Her rose is still blooming. I would like to believe she wants me to know she's near during this difficult time.

I posted this on Charlotte's birth story today: IF YOU HAVE COME HERE VIA AN ANTI-MIDWIFE OR HOME BIRTH SITE PLEASE KNOW THIS: I MISS MY BABY VERY MUCH, I DO NOT BLAME THE MIDWIVES PRESENT AT HER BIRTH, I HAD A NORMAL PREGNANCY, MY HYPERTHYROIDISM WAS WELL UNDER CONTROL AND MONITORED DURING PREGNANCY. I WAS ALSO SEEN BY A MATERNAL FETAL MEDICINE DOCTOR. CHARLOTTE APPEARED PERFECTLY HEALTHY UNTIL BIRTH. PLEASE DON'T USE MY STORY TO ADVANCE YOUR AGENDA. REMEMBER I AM A MOTHER WHO LOST HER CHILD, NOT JUST A STORY THAT CAN BE USED TO MAKE A POLITICAL POINT.

What can I say? What can I do? Do I fight back? Do I stay quiet? Do I let these people say horrible things about me, my baby, my midwife? Please pray I find peace with this, and that the Lord will give me the strength and wisdom to ignore these people. And please tell me you love me, or at least like me, because I could really use it today.

**********

Enough of that mess, how about a long update with lots of pictures?

The fridge is on the blink. Of course we didn't notice until it was too late to save anything that wasn't frozen. We've been without since Saturday, won't have the necessary part until Tuesday afternoon. Repair guy on a Sunday plus part plus instillation on Tuesday has me shuddering. This fridge has been nothing but trouble from the start. J purchased it used this summer, didn't measure it, almost couldn't fit the thing through the doorways in our little house - at one point I heard him speaking with his friend on the phone. While he scratched his brow and said, "No, I don't think there are any windows I wish to remove," I made frantic slashing motions across my throat. I was planning a big market shop on Sunday afternoon so we are very low on food. Toast has been the main course around here, and sandwiches, but only peanut butter toast or sandwiches because we have no cheese or meat.

Hoping to get a bite of my toast. Isabel loves peanut butter.

We've been to church twice. Bennett snored through his first service, happy as could be. This week the music was rather rollicking and he cried a bit in terror. I wear him in a sling so was able to calm him back to sleep quickly. Next week is his dedication. I've always been sad that Charlotte wasn't dedicated so I am looking forward to it.

On our way to church.

A few recent pictures:

Sleepy baby, mama kisses.

Am I the only one who takes pictures at night when I'm bored and afraid if I move too much the babe will wake?

Before nursing.

After nursing. Look at those cheeks!

We have a fire going most days now that the weather has turned.

J's car needs new brakes so Bennett and I took him to work this morning. New brakes plus fridge issues plus hospital bills come due plus the holidays equals buckets of thankfulness for J's job.

Why are we awake? Why do you keep putting me in this bear thing?

Is she coming too? I don't understand what's happening.

After we dropped J off at work we met up with my sister and her little ones at the outlet stores.

Why do you keep dressing me in clothes with ears?

Two very exciting things happened while there:

1. I found my holiday outfit!!

I need to pause for a moment here and thank the wonderful people of Ann Taylor Loft for being patient, bringing me stacks of clothes, letting us take over their dressing rooms, mixing a bottle for my niece, and helping me find an outfit I'm comfortable with.

I even bought a sparkly headband - can you believe it?

2. The Gap and I are back on! Bennett is excited about this. I think.

I found wide leg trouser jeans on sale for $25.00!! I need a friend to hem them for me, but I LOVE how they fit.

A friend posted a picture of her baby's ear on the book. Within the larger part of the ear a heart was easily seen. I looked down at Bennett the next time I was nursing and saw he had a heart shape in the smaller part of his ear. It was hard to get a picture - can you see it?

Do all babies have hearts in their ears?

Songs for Bennett

2011-11-13T08:07:00.001-08:00

I am sad this morning. There are websites that list Oregon midwives, their stats and education. Charlotte's birth story is linked to my midwife on one, another lists Charlotte as a preventable death. I want to shrug it off, be unaffected by it, but I can't. It feels like her story is being used to push an agenda, an anti-midwife agenda, and it leaves me feeling angry and sad. I don't want what I write to negatively affect my midwife. I hate that my first feeling when I see my blog linked to those types of websites is shame, like there's something wrong with sharing about her life.

Sigh.

I'm going to continue on with what I originally intended to post. I don't want to obsess over it, people will think what they like.

I'm putting together a sleepy time/quiet mix for Bennett. We listen to music all day most days and while I love the music we have around the house I want a mix that's solely his. I asked for song recommendations on the book, but thought I would ask here too.

I've had great recommendations so far. Someone introduced me to the group Plumb and I cannot believe how apt their songs are for where I am in life now. Another friend recommended the following sweet song:

No idea why I love it, but I do.

I have twelve songs so far. What do you recommend?

"The Psychic Said I Have Weak Knees"

2011-11-11T21:58:00.001-08:00

J goes through phases where he is really into one thing. I'll never forget the summer of root beer. He drank so much it was frightening. He went to World Market near our house all the time, and bought the different kinds they carry while I smiled, cleared room in the fridge, and waited for it to be over.

Every so often an exercise phase comes up. We've been through racquetball, biking to work, basketball, etc. A few weeks ago a jump rope came in the mail. J was very excited about the jump rope. It sat on the counter for two weeks then he went outside with it for a while. I have no idea what happened in the backyard, but when he came in he had to lie down on the floor with his shirt off so he wouldn't throw up. The jump rope has not been used since.

A couple days ago we went for a walk after dinner. As we were strolling the neighborhood he told me stories about a strange patient who claimed to be psychic. "I don't believe she's psychic," he said, "but she did say I have weak knees."

"Okay ..." I said, wondering where the conversation was going. "You do have bad knees, you're always complaining about knee pain."

"I know! I know I have weak knees, I've always known they weren't very strong. So I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't be using a jump rope."

"You just bought the jump rope!"

"It was only $10.00"

I sputtered, no actual words coming out.

"Anyway, he continued, "I was thinking what I need is some of those resistance bands ..."

From now on when I've bought an item I dislike, or committed to something that winds up being more difficult than expected, I'm going to quit, and when J asks why, or complains, I'll smile and say, "the psychic said I have weak knees."

Two Month Appointment: Vaccines and Such

2011-11-11T12:48:00.001-08:00

Bennett's two month well child visit is behind us. His doctor was really accommodating, provided us with research, agreed to what we wanted to do even though she strongly suggested following the normal vaccine schedule.

Bennett had one shot and one oral vaccine, but I declined the rest for now. We go back in one month for shots, and then it's back at four months for a well child visit and a couple more shots. I feel better about spacing things out and we'll continue to tackle each vaccine as it comes up.

Typically the vaccines are all mixed together so babies only receive one or two shots, but the doctor made sure Bennett only received the ones we wanted - DTaP only, no polio, no Hep B. I signed a form that detailed everything he was receiving so I feel good about how it went.

My little bear - sleeping off his vaccines

Bennett did great with the shot. He fussed a bit, but I nursed him right after and he calmed down. He slept a lot last night, but didn't spike a fever or have irritation at the injection site. He did spit up while nursing at midnight. That was a new experience.

Now on to the fun stuff: Bennett is 9 lbs 15.5 oz, 22 inches long. He is still in the tenth percentile, but he is growing steadily so we don't need to be concerned.

Last night we managed to take Isabel to the dog park for the first time since Bennett was born. Poor neglected puppy, she loved being out, running around.

This morning Bennett and I met up with friends at a nearby coffee house. I LOVE it because it's within walking distance of the house and it has a kid friendly room with cafe tables and toys. It's nice to have adult time at a coffee shop while the little ones play without disturbing anyone.

And ... that's all I've got. Not my best post, proud of those determined souls who made it this far.

Attire: Semi-Formal

2011-11-10T08:38:00.001-08:00

Oh no, oh no, oh no. I forgot, really I don't know how, but I forgot that holiday parties require fancy dress. Shoot. I hate fancy dress, especially now that my body is completely out of proportion. Why don't stores have sections for women who have had babies? Forget the size nonsense, I need a store with sections that cater to women who have had children. Sections that acknowledge what childbirth does to a body. I need clothes that understand my hips are wonky, my pelvis askew, one arm bigger than the other from carrying the baby.

For J's open house at work last year I needed grief makes me look haggard, let's brighten this face! clothes. It took me forever to find a dress, unfortunately it's too casual for the holiday party. I was a mess at last year's holiday party. I wore grey dress pants that didn't fit with a belly band to cover the fact they didn't fit and a red sweater. People were dressed in everything from jeans to party dresses, but this year the party is at the nicest hotel in town so I should probably wear a dress. But I don't want to! Are black pants considered semi-formal? I'm wearing pink and yellow striped jams with a turquoise blue shirt right now so black pants would be a giant step up for me.

I'll have to find black pants. If you all tell me it's okay to wear them, that is. I can't make decisions without you. I'll have to wear heels. I won't wear makeup. I've caved completely on the makeup front, don't even try anymore. On special occasions I was using the mascara and lipstick my mother-in-law bought me for my wedding - so I could touch up, which I didn't do, not once - but that was five years ago and makeup doesn't last forever apparently. So I don't attempt anything anymore. I tell people it has chemicals, clogs your pores, irritates my sensitive skin, that no makeup is the reason I have such clear skin. It has NOTHING to do with the fact that I couldn't apply makeup even if you put a gun to my head and insisted. (I just had to Google makeup, because I couldn't figure out if it was one word or hyphenated).

If I must wear a dress I'll have to don tights. Don't get me started on tights. J doesn't like how they look - maybe because I call them tights?? - but a girl can't venture out bare legged in December, it's just not done.

Please help me. You all are so much better at this dressy dress thing.

Two Months!

2011-11-09T09:48:00.000-08:00

Bennett is two months old today. Or is it young? Two months young sounds so much better.

Here he is at one month

Of course I can't believe he's two months already. It seems so much shorter, and longer, but I cannot ignore the fact that he no longer fits in newborn clothes or diapers. Even though I have him in a newborn sweatshirt this morning. It fits half his torso, guess it's time to pack the few newborn items he was still fitting in away. Ever since I figured out his sleep cues - he doesn't fuss, he yells until picked up and cuddled to a drowsy state - he's been sleeping and napping great.

Parents often write down funny things their kids say. Well, Bennett isn't talking yet, of course, but one of his grandmothers says the funniest things. My favorite: she calls his soothie a smoothie half the time. It cracks me up when I hear, "Bennett, where's your smoothie?" or "Bennett, let's get you a smoothie!" We love her though, and two months out she's still spending every Thursday night at our house to help me out.

Two months old and it was hard to get a good picture. As soon as I put him on his tummy he starts trying to scoot, which makes it very difficult to get a picture that isn't blurred.

Playing with his 'E' block while I folded laundry. This is becoming a Sesame Street post - this post brought to you by the letters 'A,' 'B,' and 'E'!

One more

It's been a while since I thanked all of you for reading. I get a lot of comments, a mess of page views, and lots of love. While the page views don't matter I really appreciate the comments and love. I've written 511 posts, can't believe you all are still sticking around, but I really, really love you for it. Especially this month when I'm blogging every. single. day.

Vaccines! Gah!

2011-11-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

Bennett's two month well child visit is on Thursday. I am reading and researching vaccines like a crazy woman, tossing books in J's direction, asking him how he feels, worrying about which vaccines we should have administered and if refusal is going to be an issue.

I really like Dr's Sears book about vaccinations. He presents pros and cons, explores the contents, reactions, occurrences of diseases but does not tell parents what to do. I like having all of the information I need so I can make my own decision. Informed consent, it's a wonderful thing.

I would like to delay some of the shots, we've contacted the clinic about doing just that, but have yet to hear back. I'm a bit worried about our pediatrician now, if we've chosen the right one. I didn't really think about vaccinations when pregnant with Charlotte. I assumed we would vaccinate on a normal schedule, but once I had Bennett I had to read about what would be going into his body. The research makes me nervous, especially the high aluminum content a baby receives when given six vaccines in one go.

I know this issue is controversial. I think every parent has to decide what they want to do. Please don't yell at me or tell me my child is going to wind up with autism if we vaccinate. I think vaccinating is important, that's my opinion, but I think vaccinating all at once is a little excessive. We can delay because Bennett is breastfed and not in daycare, which greatly reduces his exposure, but I want him to receive the majority of the vaccines.

What makes the issue even more complicated is my fear. When I read statistics about unvaccinated babies who die from a disease it makes me want to vaccinate Bennett. Yes the numbers are low, the chances of that happening not very high, but I've been the 1% and I don't trust luck anymore. I want to do everything I possibly can to protect him. I want to do everything in my power to keep him alive and healthy. Losing Charlotte has skewed my thoughts and opinions on this. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.

I will have to step away from my natural inclinations on Thursday. I like it when people are happy with me, can't stand it when they are upset with my choices, or think I am doing the wrong thing. It is going to take every ounce of strength and courage I have to stand firm on Thursday, express what we want and why.

Raised eyebrows often come my way when I say we will most likely vaccinate. Quite a few people have been surprised that we don't cloth diaper either. I try to do what is best for our family in every situation. Leaning towards the natural side of things doesn't mean I live in that camp exclusively.

I Can't Reach You From Here

2011-11-07T09:06:00.000-08:00

Day seven of blog every day month. Are you tired of me yet? I'm kind of tired of me. I blog a lot, or at least I thought I did, but this is really stretching my brain and capabilities.

Saturday night J said, "I'm out of sorts. I want to stay up late and not wake you so I think I'll sleep upstairs." Translation: I am going to play X-Box all night because I'm sad. Oh is he ever sad. He has some regrets, his grandfather's death has tossed him around a bit, and he's rather depressed. As Bennett sleepily nursed at 4 am I heard J coming down the stairs to use the bathroom. He stopped in the bedroom, admitted he hadn't been to sleep yet. My eyebrows shot up and I asked if there was anything he needed or wanted. He said no, went back upstairs, slept until it was time to wake and ready ourselves for church.

I don't know what to do for him so I am letting him be. I am twenty-eight with four living grandparents, which is almost unheard of. I know grief, but not this type of grief so I am standing aside, providing nothing but space because I do know not to hover.

Sometimes life hands out one complication after another and somehow one has to find the means to go forward despite it all.

On a much, much brighter note, because things have been rather bleak around here lately, I thought you might enjoy a short video of Bennett. It's from the fifth of November.

Is It Too Early To Talk Christmas?

2011-11-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

I've hated and loved Christmas at various times in my life. This is a love year. Christmas and I are on again and I cannot wait to celebrate.

We're going to have a cookie decorating party with fellow friends and little ones (when we did this two years ago I found frosting in the oddest places for days after - the couch, the walls, the bathroom floor), we'll buy a tree early on so we can enjoy it for a long time, there will be Christmas songs and fires and decorations and joy.

When we received the Costco coupon book in the mail the other day there was a coupon for a boxed set of holiday movie classics. I'm seriously considering buying it, which is not like me, but when I see it I think of popcorn, hot chocolate and cuddling on the couch with my favorite people. I'm a sucker for nostalgia and the advertising folks know it.

It's not about the presents, though I really like presents. It's about Bennett's first Christmas, the birth of Christ, family and friends and celebration.

Once we get past Thanksgiving, which is not my favorite holiday, I really only like it because it is a day to celebrate gratefulness and spend time with family, I am going to start preparing for and celebrating Christmas.

Now I'm not someone who has decorations for every single holiday. I have quite a few Christmas things, but one doesn't know it's fall, or that Easter is just around the corner because I have decorations scattered around. I know people like this, I love them for their creativeness, I just don't have it in me to decorate for more than one holiday, which means I have to get serious about my Christmas decorations. If I'm only going to do it once I may as well go all out.

Last year I wanted to spend the holidays hiding. Last year J and I had some massive fights. Last year, on December 23rd I'm pretty sure, Bennett was conceived. Too much information? Sorry.

I'm really excited to finish out this year with J by my side as we celebrate the holidays with a happy, oblivious Bennett.

Are you excited? Are you dreading it? When will you start decorating/celebrating?

Parenting Books: For The Birds?

2011-11-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

There are one hundred million parenting books out there and each one has definite ideas about sleeping, eating, schedules, how what you do when your baby is seven weeks old will affect them for the rest of their lives. I may be creating a monster right now without knowing or realizing it.

A friend let me borrow her copy of Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I don't agree with everything in the book, but a lot of it makes sense. I had no idea babies needed help going to sleep. I thought little ones had the whole sleep when tired thing figured out. Imagine my surprise when I began paying attention to Bennett's tired cues, put him to sleep, and ended up with a happier baby and fewer crying times. The book also reassured me that the first six weeks are the hardest (sometimes longer if you have a baby with colic) and that the fussy times will ease.

And maybe if I get Bennett on a good sleep schedule now he won't end up killing the neighborhood cats when he's thirteen.

Dr. Sear's Baby Book has been floating around the house too. It has a lot of good information about developmental milestones, what to expect, what is normal, what to be worried about. What to Expect the First Year is shelved in the nursery, but I have decided that entire series is most definitely worthless.

Using Dr. W's method worked well for us last night. I fed Bennett at 7:30, cuddled and rocked him until he was drowsy, and put him down in his co-sleeper. I had to go in and out a bit, wipe his nose a couple times (the boy is sneezing out a gallon of snot, my goodness, but it's clear so he is on the mend) put his pacifier back in his mouth, but he eventually drifted off. He woke at 10:00, we nursed, I rocked him until he was drowsy, put him in the co-sleeper and then he did his I don't want to sleep dance until 11:45 when he finally, finally went to sleep. I dozed next to him, comforting a bit, fetching his pacifier when he spit it halfway across his co-sleeper. Once he fell asleep at 11:45 he was good for the night. He did wake at 2:30. I thought he wanted to nurse, but when I gave him his pacifier he went back to sleep until 5.

Here's the best part: we didn't have a crazy fussy evening. He didn't cry, or wail, or scream when I put him down. He chatted to himself, kicked his legs about, but he wasn't upset about hanging out by himself until he fell asleep.

I am a well rested mama this morning, which I really needed after this week. It's been so hard emotionally, but I was doing fairly well, until I tried to leave for an appointment yesterday. Car dead. Battery expired. Me calling J and wailing about this, that and the other, mostly other. It all just accumulated and I crashed, crying in the back of the Subaru with Bennett in his car seat sneezing away with bunches of snot cascading down his face.

This mama gig is so glamorous.

Sing Me To Sleep

2011-11-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

Shortly after Bennett was born J told my mom one of his favorite things about having a newborn in the house is that I make up songs all the time. J has done this as long as I've known him, and I've begged him to stop all these long years. And now that Bennett is here I just can't help myself, I sing constantly.

Here's the interesting part: I can't sing. At all. Even the simplest tune I sing off key. In church if I don't pay attention to when the person next to me is clapping I'll clap off beat. Yes, I'm that person.

During the day I sing to Bennett constantly. He loves it, as most babies do. I made up a song when he was first born that we sing every day. It starts with "Who's the biggest Bennett in the jungle, Bennett in the jungle, Bennett in the jungle?" and then I substitute other words for biggest - stinkiest, smallest, loudest, crankiest ... If I'm feeling funky it goes like this, "Who's da biggest ..." Okay it's not really a song, but we still have fun with it.

I can go for hours with Hush, Little Baby. I know the first two lines and then I free verse from there because I can't remember the original lyrics.

When I rock Bennett to sleep at night, which works almost never, I sing softly to him. Very softly so J can't hear me. The only songs I have memorized are old church hymns. I've heard them so often I can recall them easily, all other songs fade in and out, which means Bennett gets a lot of odd composite lyrics. A dark nursery, a mama rocking her baby, singing Amazing Grace or The Old Rugged Cross. It's unexpected, but lovely.

What I'm feeling comes out in song. Two nights ago I was sleepily rocking him, home late from the hospital, sad for so many reasons, and I realized I was singing snippets of Everybody Hurts. This boy has caught more mama tears than any child should have to.

Sometimes when I sing hymns to him he looks at me, other times he stares at the corners of the room. And of course I wonder if his sister is singing the same hymn in heaven, if he hears me as well as her.

11.3.11

2011-11-03T20:01:00.000-07:00

J's grandfather died this evening. My friend's husband this morning. I am going to post what I originally planned - pictures of Bennett - because, really, what is there to say?

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Bennett is chatting like crazy these days. He talks constantly about life and what is happening in his world. He has also learned how to mimic a bit. If we stick our tongues out he does as well. He is smiling and full of happiness. I love how much he is growing and changing. I packed most of his newborn clothes this morning, we are on to 0-3 month clothes and some three month pants. Yesterday I had him in a newborn shirt and three month pants. Baby sizes are useless.

Play time

X-Box with J

First Halloween kind-of (picture taken two days after)

Very excited about the pumpkin

A blog friend made Bennett these blocks

He posed and then kicked his legs, threw his hands about and smiled

Hanging out

Contemplating life

So tired

Baby cardigan

The quality on the rest of these is so-so. I took them with my phone.

On the move

Big smile

Spit bubble

Sick, napping propped up on the Boppy

Latest trick: whole fist in mouth

Out for a walk

I'm Not Ready

2011-11-02T23:20:00.000-07:00

J emailed from work to let me know his grandfather is not doing well, that he may only have days left. Even though I didn't want to go I sent him a text message: Okay, I'll get us ready. His grandfather is dying in the hospital where Charlotte died. I haven't walked through those doors since that bright, bleak day.

I sat off to the side in the warm hospital room thinking of my friend whose husband had been in and out of the hospital lately. I sent her a text message: I don't know if you are in town or in Portland (her husband had been transferred to a large hospital in the city a couple weeks ago when his kidneys began failing) or home. We are here visiting family, would love to say hi if you are around.

A few minutes later I received a text message: In Portland. Just started final journey.

Oh.

In a room already permeated with sadness I brought a new wave, a reminder that no matter how long we have with someone it is never, ever enough.

J's grandfather has been ill for quite some time. We knew this was coming, but the heart still stops when the words are said - we don't have much time, you should come.

One of J's aunts came in the room with tears pooling in her eyes. Over and over she said, "I'm not ready."

And this friend - this dear friend of mine who drove out here to have lunch with me after Charlotte died, who told me it was okay to feel suicidal, but to call if I wanted to act on it, who sat with me in a restaurant overlooking the small local airfield (six weeks earlier I sat in that same restaurant with friends to celebrate J's birthday. I was weeks away from delivering Charlotte) and looked at pictures of Charlotte as we watched airplanes take off and land - she is now wading through her own darkness.

On April 21st I wrote a post titled The Long Goodbye:

I had lunch with a friend earlier this week. She and her husband celebrated thirty-two years of marriage last weekend with a trip to Portland and the beach. The Thursday prior to their anniversary trip they were told the husband has two-five years to live due to a recently diagnosed rare (at least it's rare to me as I've never heard of it) blood disorder. My friend is reeling, processing, in quite a bit of shock, heartbroken, lost.

As we talked about the results and implications of the diagnosis she said, "I wish it was me; it would be so much easier if it was me." That resonated so deeply I wanted to jump out of my chair and yell about how well I understood that statement, but it was my turn to be silent and listen to her as she has listened to me for the last year.

I have had moments, less so as time moves forward, when I wish I had been the one to die. I wish I could've traded my life for Charlotte's so she would have had at least a chance at life, breath, discovery. But that begs the question, what is life without a mama to guide one through?

I've spent the past few days thinking about my friend's husband and losing Charlotte and how painful it is to watch a loved one suffer. This being Holy Week, which culminates in Easter and the celebration of the resurrection of Christ, I've also been thinking about how "God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) Within that selfless sacrifice is the ultimate act of love and kindness and all too often I forget the magnitude of what God did for us.

My friend and her husband are entering a new season of their lives; a time of uncertainty, pain, change, readjustment of expectations and hopes. As we talked my friend said, "I'm not ready to be a widow." I know, I know. It is impossible to be ready for the lightening bolt, the quick change from life as normal to life unexpected.

I wish I could fix the situation just as countless people have wished the same for us. This past year I have learned that it's the ones who listen that understand the most even if they know the least. So I'll listen and hope and pray and perhaps five years will stretch into six or seven.

Not even a year has passed since I wrote that post.

I used to think death was beautiful, romantic even. I watched too many movies, read too many books. Death is not a quick montage with poignant music playing in the background. Death is not a hospital scene followed by a funeral scene with an emotional breakdown thrown in the middle to really get the point across. It is prolonged, but quick as can be too. It comes unexpectedly, often too soon.

Always too soon.

Being back in that hospital tonight ...

My heart is heavy.

I miss her.

And now I'm the one on the outside of grief doing my best to comfort without doing or saying the wrong thing.

B is starting to fall asleep so I should turn out the light, try to sleep myself.

At least I had him when I walked into that hospital tonight.

Loves and Recommends: Arm's Reach Co-sleeper

2011-11-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

I love our co-sleeper. I wish Bennett felt a bit more warmly towards it, but he would rather sleep right next to me. I don't sleep as well with Bennett in bed next to me. I worry about pillows, blankets, rolling over on him, and I am far from ready to have him in his crib. I like the co-sleeper because he is right next to me, but not in bed with me.

I haven't had a c-section, but for those who have this would be a great option because you can pull baby into bed to nurse without sitting up or exerting much effort.

I don't panic as much as I thought I would when Bennett's asleep (let's see how I do when he's in his own room) but sometimes I'll wake in the middle of the night and reach a hand over to see if he's breathing. I like being able to check on him without getting out of bed. And on really long nights I've put my pillow right up against the edge of the co-sleeper and rocked, or soothed, or held Bennett's pacifier in his mouth until he fell asleep.

The co-sleeper can function as a free standing bassinet or play pen as well, but it is a tiny play pen (even though it says it's okay to use up to 50 lbs) and I doubt we will use it for that.

Most mornings Bennett nurses at 6, sleeps, nurses at 8 and then has awake or sleep time in his co-sleeper while I blog or catch up on email. If he's awake we chat about life, what we are going to spend our day doing, the shadows on the wall.

Lately Bennett has struggled with sleeping after he's put down. He will go to sleep fine, but once his back touches the crib, co-sleeper, pack n play (we have way too many places for this boy to sleep considering the size of our house) he is awake and ready to socialize, or fussy because he's tired and needs sleep. We may have to transition to the crib soon, but for now I am stubbornly holding on to the co-sleeper.

First night home from the hospital

I thought he was sleeping but then ...

he started dancing!

NaBloPoMo

2011-11-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

November is National Blog Posting month. Seriously, there's a month for everything. I decided to participate because I don't have to write on a specific theme, though there are prompts if I get stuck, and I post nearly every day anyway. We'll see if I make it. Hope you don't get tired of me and my ramblings.

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I am feeling better, even though I'm still coughing, but Bennett is really struggling. He is congested, coughing a bit, and all over miserable. Despite feeling less than amazing he is still a happy baby, smiling and cooing, not fussing or crying too much. I'm just nursing him and loving on him and watching out for more worrisome symptoms, like a temperature.

Last night was rough. From 8:30-11:30 I nursed Bennett twice and changed four dirty diapers. It would have been funny if I wasn't so frustrated. He would fill his diaper, fuss a bit, I would change him and ten minutes later he would fill his diaper again. At 11:25 I had to change his outfit entirely, from diaper to pajamas to sleep sack. At 11:30 I went to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up to J for help. He came down, changed him again, took him upstairs, rocked him to sleep, then brought him down to me.

At midnight he woke up hungry. He cried, I cried, we nursed and then I set him down next to me. He slowly drifted off while I sobbed - a combination of being sick and tired and really, really missing Charlotte. I think of Halloween as the beginning of the holiday season and last Christmas was so hard without her. I am grateful to have Bennett, he will make this year a lot easier, but it's still a hard time of year grief wise.

Last night I felt like a terrible mother. I was mad at myself for needing to wake up J because I was too frustrated and needed a few seconds to collect myself. I have no idea what type of mother I would be had Charlotte lived. I have moments when I wonder if she died because I wasn't worthy, or some such nonsense. There is some part of my brain, or soul, or heart that wonders if she died so I would be a better mother to Bennett. And then I have moments like last night, when I have to deep breathe through the frustration, and I wonder if her death was meaningless.

I think I imagine every other mother floating around in a serene bubble, calmly tending to the needs of her child, or children, with a peaceful heart and kind words.

I know this isn't true.

Sometimes I'm so hard on myself.

I just really miss her and even though I am at peace with her absence I still have moments of self doubt where I wonder why she is gone, if it was something I did.

Spoken Word Blog Round-Up: Mary-Ann

2011-10-31T11:01:00.000-07:00

On Saturday morning I woke up to a wonderful email and video from a reader. Mary-Ann wanted to share her story with me and though it broke my heart - I've watched the video multiple times, sobbed through every viewing - I am so glad she did.

Her words are beautiful, her story compelling. Mary-Ann's blog has been down for quite some time because of issues with the host. I offered to share her story here and link up with Angie's post because I admire anyone who is brave enough to sit down and speak about heartbreaking loss.

Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFO4xIrCzMo

Her story starts at 1:20.

Thank you for sharing, Mary-Ann. I would love to hear all of my readers stories, whether they have lost babies or not. I love knowing where people come from and learning what has shaped and changed their lives.

Sick

2011-10-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

All three of us. Mercy. I am shaking my fist at the co-worker who showed up sick at J's work earlier this week. Bennett has so much stuff draining down the back of his throat he was choking last night. I nursed him a TON which helped break things up. I figured if it works for congestion in the nose it should work for congestion in the throat.

Bennett slept in bed with me last night. We have the co-sleeper next to the bed, but when he finally stopped crying and went to sleep I was not risking waking him by shifting him over and I was too scared to have him in the co-sleeper. When he was settling in to sleep I kept having to roll him to his side because he was choking on snot.

Poor baby. He sneezes, snot runs out of his nose, and then he looks at me like, this is new, why is this happening mama? He is sleeping a lot. He slept 11-5:15, I nursed him for thirty minutes and then he fell asleep at 6. He's still sleeping, even though he usually eats every two hours until noon. Do I wake him up? Do I take him to the doctor?

Last night I started the breast milk up the nose trick. It helps with his congestion, but every time I do it he acts like I'm torturing him.

Sigh.

I feel awful. Congested, sore throat, all over miserable. I want to cry. I understand why Bennett was screaming his head off last night.

10.29.11

2011-10-29T16:56:00.000-07:00

I'm grumpy. J is sick and I have the attitude of a three-year-old. We went to his work yesterday for lunch and he looked a little run down, but I assumed it was the usual end of the week exhaustion.

Hanging out with Daddy in his office.

Then he came home and crashed out upstairs, complaining of a sore throat and general icky feeling. My mom was here Thursday night on into Friday afternoon. I called her this morning and begged for help. I had to go to Costco, the grocery store, and Target. I left it for the weekend so J could help me, but there's no way he was marching out into the cold to accomplish all that. I contemplated tackling it by myself for two seconds and then called my mom.

The house is a disaster, but the shopping is done. J is still upstairs, quarantined, because if he gets Bennett (or me!) sick life will really be unpleasant. He's been playing video games all day, specifically Battlefield 3 because it just came out. I am so sympathetic I wonder if he's pushing the 'I feel sick' gig more than necessary because he wants to play video games all day. I would make a really bad nurse.

I can't get a thing done because I'm on Bennett duty all the time. I didn't realize how much I need J in the evenings and on weekends so I can do laundry, tidy the house, cook dinner. We received a box of hand me down clothes from a friend. I haven't put them away in the nursery because I need to rearrange Bennett's drawers to fit everything. I dropped the pile on the floor and have been selecting Bennett's clothes from the pile as he needs them. It works really well, much easier than folding and sorting. I'm tempted to make it a permanent solution.

There's groceries on the dining room floor, diapers and wipes on the stairs, papers and books on every conceivable surface - and some inconceivable ones too - and I am letting it all go, putting my feet up, snuggling B, a little teary eyed over the fact that he is already seven weeks old.

Enjoy your weekend and All Hallows Eve. I'm not into the holiday myself, no cute costume for B, or me, or Isabel, but we will hand out candy Monday night and enjoy the little ones running up and down the street with sugar pumping through their veins.