Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confessions. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


I have a lot more confidence this time around, but I still have moments of panic where I wonder what I'm doing and if everything I am doing is wrong. 

Sometimes when I see pictures of kids in other time zones napping/sleeping I get jealous. I think, Hey that's not fair, we're on the West Coast, we have two more hours until bedtime!

I love the forty-eight hour postpartum time in the hospital. I don't sleep very much, but that birth high is so lovely, and it's very quiet. And I'm so darn glad the labor is over I feel like I'm on vacation. Food is just a phone call away, and a nurse will bring a warm blanket if you ask nicely. It's blissful.

I want more children. It's not going to happen, but if pregnancy/birth was easier for me I would have one more. And I know I said this after Bennett's birth too, but this time I am officially calling it (unless the Lord has other plans). I'm not willing to put my family through another round of the crazy nonsense that comes spilling out of me when I'm pregnant.

I think the most valuable thing I learned in my 20s was how to ask for help. And how to accept it with grace and thankfulness when it is offered. 

We have another baby who hates the Arms Reach Co-sleeper on our hands. Ainsleigh sleeps so well next to me I'm not going to try and force anything like I did with Bennett. But when the question about baby having its own sleeping surface is asked at every well check I say yes. It's not a lie. They didn't ask if she was using it, and they don't need to know it's perfect for stowing items I might need during the night.

I gained the most weight this pregnancy and I've lost the least (so far). And I don't care. I'll eventually get back to a healthy weight.

When I was pregnant I indulged a lot of my cravings. Now I'm able to control my breastfeeding cravings through sheer laziness. Put everyone in the car so I can go to the store and buy a chocolate bar? Definitely not worth it.

I can't believe this will be our fourth Thanksgiving and Christmas without Charlotte. Sometimes I wonder how we made it this far with souls and lives intact (short answer: Jesus). 

Ainsleigh's fat cheeks and belly amaze me. I can't believe how healthy she is. There's still a small part of me that believes I killed Charlotte. Watching a baby girl grow and thrive in my presence - on my milk too! - feels a little like black magic.

Being a stay at home mom is more fulfilling and fun than I thought it would be. It's also the most frustrating, repetitive work I've done.

Monday, August 26, 2013


I let Bennett misbehave a little at certain stores. Goodwill: Yeah, my kid is standing in the cart yelling for food, what's your point? Target: Sit down, buckle up, behave kiddo. This is a classy joint.

Sometimes I tell Bennett I need to do something really fast while he eats. This means I'm sitting on the couch just out of sight reading a few pages of a book or checking my phone.

When I feel really unmotivated I open the Baby Center app on my phone. Five minutes on those forums has me throwing my phone down in annoyance and happily folding laundry.

And speaking of the Baby Center forum: I find it irritating when everyone is sharing little slip-ups (having a soda, forgetting a prenatal or twelve) and one sanctimonious person says, "I gave everything up when I became pregnant for the health and safety of my baby." That's great, but you're sharing your awesomeness in the wrong place.

I am SO irritated all.the.time. I told J everything and everyone annoys me, so much so I want to tell strangers to stop talking near me. I'm afraid he's going to have to bail me out of jail before this pregnancy is over.

Per my mama's suggestion we have started watching Duck Dynasty and I am hooked. I think it would be fun to spend a week with the Robertson family, but I don't want to eat squirrel, or frog.

I hate walking around barefoot. Even in my own house. I wear flip flops in the summer and slippers in the winter because I don't like even one speck of dirt touching my feet.

Thursday, July 25, 2013


I ate dinner, then had ice cream, but if J calls me on the way home from his boy time (he took Bennett too!! THANK YOU!!) I will come up with something I want. (Tacos, cheeseburger and fries, cinnamon roll!)

If I clear all ice cream eating evidence before J gets home (unlikely, I'm really comfortable right now) I will have another bowl later. No witnesses means bowl #1 doesn't count.

On hard days I quit parenting at 4:15 (J is off at 4:00). I sit on the couch, put my feet up and scroll instagram while Bennett runs wild. Most of the time this is okay, but there are days when I hear giggling from the kitchen and by the time I get myself in there to investigate B boy has had a long thirty second slow dance with a knife.

I hate laundry. It is my arch nemesis (I'm such a housewife, but not a very good one). When friends give me hand me downs that include whites I want to smack them. Then ask how they manage it. Bennett's clothes almost always reach a point where they are too worn out or stained to be worn any longer. And the white shirts get absolutely thrashed. I tell myself it's because he wears his clothes so long. It has absolutely nothing to do with my lazy stain prevention methods.

I often go in the bathroom and think, "Sheesh! How does it get so messy? I cleaned it last week ..." (self cleaning bathrooms, kitchens etc., there's an idea that needs developed).

We cannot decide on a name for the growing one. I thought we had our top two, but something hasn't clicked yet. 

I just can't wrap my head around this pregnancy. It's an elusive one. I might be a mess. I might I okay. I really can't tell. I've buried my emotions so well I can't find them. And I'm the one who created the map! Then again, I've always been terrible with maps.

Saturday, June 15, 2013


When B was a few months old I bought a newborn dress for the girl I hoped to raise someday. Of course it's a summer dress and this little one will be born in late October.

I want to share my excitement about having another little girl with EVERYONE - including strangers.

I hope this baby isn't born on Halloween. I don't like Halloween at all.

I am terrible at making B pick up his toys.

We ate out almost every night the week of Charlotte's birthday. I don't do much of anything that week: household chores, laundry, cooking. It takes two or so weeks to dig out and reorganize after it's passed.

I'm so glad I married someone who can do things that are way, way beyond my skill set. This morning J made sandals for B. I have a pair of Keens for him, but J wanted something less chunky and closer to a barefoot shoe so he went online, found a place to buy a kittraced B's feet, cut the sandals out and picked a way to lace them (he was going to have a strap for his toe, but thought B would find it uncomfortable). It was incredible to watch. Making B sandals is so far beyond anything I would attempt. I would go to the website, think, huh, cool idea, then keep using his Keens. Oh wait, I wouldn't even look the website up in the first place ...

Hopefully we can leave the sandals a little long so B can use them for an extended period of time. He ran around in the backyard this morning without tripping or catching the edge.

I've gained 18 pounds in 20 weeks. Even with nausea and throwing up (which mostly seems to be over). I've never been one to eat in the middle of the night during pregnancy, but this baby is a hungry one. I'm a little worried I'll gain more than 30 pounds this time, but this is my third baby (and I weaned a couple months in) so maybe that's just the way it goes.

I love alphabet flash cards. We have three sets, but I want at least two more. There was a great vintage style set we carried at the bookstore, which I can't find anywhere, that I would love to add to the collection, and I want a girly set for the new baby.

Yesterday afternoon B napped in his room for an hour, then did his sleep dance to mama's lap routine, where he slept two more hours. I love it when he does that. I get to pretend he's still a baby while enjoying guilt free reading time (I just blazed through Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan. Really good. A little trashy  - lots of fashion and, obviously, very rich people - but informative and interesting. It transported me to a different place. I loved it).

Thursday, April 25, 2013

some days ... (confessions-ish)

B wakes up early for the third day in a row.

I go to Target at 8:30 in the morning just to get out of the house.

I stop at a park on the way home from Target because it's warm and B needs exercise.

I park three miles from the playground, which results in a long walk and wet feet.

I don't worry about not having sunscreen or water or a sun hat.

When B dumps his snack on the playground I let him eat off the ground for a minute before cleaning up.

The playground is empty and I sit to the side answering emails instead of engaging with B.

As long as I have B in sight, I don't worry.

I wonder where B gets his sense of adventure and complete lack of fear.

B only wants to eat bananas.

I don't even try to nap B because I don't feel up to the battle.

I'm not as patient as I should be.

I have to give myself a little grace.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


I cannot get enough black iced tea this pregnancy. My first pregnancy: super, duper careful, no caffeine. My second pregnancy: a little lot angry, not quite as careful, but felt guilty if I wasn't mindful of my diet. Third pregnancy: Eh, I'm going to have a little caffeine. It settles my stomach and gives me a little more hydration (water is my enemy this pregnancy).

B's night time sleep is still rough. He is finally napping well, but nights are still hard, even though he's weaned. Right now J is sleeping upstairs while I crash in the guest room. Halfway through the night (hopefully) B wakes and comes in with me. This solution is working well for now since I tend to have dry heaves in the middle of the night and being close to the bathroom is necessary, and J is sleeping better without B, but come second trimester when I feel less awful (fingers crossed) that kid is sleeping all night in his room. We HAVE to sort this before the next one comes.

Last week I opened the dishwasher, pulled out a plate and served B breakfast. After breakfast I opened the dishwasher to finish unloading only to realize it was half full and dirty. Oops.

If I want it, I eat it. That plus weaning may equal one heck of a large number at the end of this pregnancy. I refuse to weigh myself. I'm afraid I've already gained 10 lbs.

I'm still afraid this pregnancy will end at any moment, and I'm not sure I have it in me to try again if it does. I would love to add two or three more kids to our family, but I don't have the emotional ability to handle it.

Easter made me a little glad B has so many allergies because he's never had candy and I haven't had to figure out how to moderate his sugar intake. I thought about giving him a jelly bean, but I was afraid he would react to the food dyes.

B has started leaning on the gate in front of the fire place and staring at Charlotte's picture. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

I can't believe Charlotte's third birthday is next month. How is that possible? How have I lived so long without her?

Friday, March 15, 2013

confessions: baby #3 edition

* Sorry about the pregnancy related posts overload. I've been storing posts up for a few weeks!

The pregnancy app I downloaded says my weight gain thus far is "excessive."

At first my number one craving was cheese. I thought there was a chance baby #3 was on board when I ate Trader Joe's frozen Mac n' Cheese four times in less than a week. I also bought a lovely little group of cheeses at TJs meant for a party or social gathering. It is appropriately named, "it's a crowd cheeser" and I ate most of it (all but the pepper jack).

Eating stresses me out. Nothing sounds good, or it makes me feel sick, or it tastes good, but I can't eat it again. I'm always worrying about what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat. Keeping my stomach happy has been a difficult process.

I didn't plan on breast feeding and gestating. It's exhausting.

I hope Bennett weans before October. And if he could sleep through the night in his crib that would be great, but I have a feeling we'll all be piling in together at night.

If Bennett weans I can have peanut butter (if I'm super careful) which sounds SO good.

I asked J to buy me Honey Nut Cheerios one evening. I ate three handfuls before realizing Honey NUT Cheerios have nuts. I also bought ravioli from Trader Joe's with egg in it. J caught the mistake just as I was readying to prepare it. I cried because I couldn't have it and it was the only thing that sounded good. 

Throwing up in public terrifies me. I've managed to avoid it so far, but it's harder to stay home now that I have Bennett. I carry those bags they give out at hospitals everywhere just in case.

J has been doing everything - house cleaning, laundry, chores, Bennett wrangling, working full time.

I can't wait to be done with the first trimester.

I don't like being pregnant. Love babies, hate the process.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013


B has been in the kitchen for a while now doing something. I'm not sure what, but it's not very loud and he's very content so I'm going to let him do whatever it is. I *think* he's playing with his ride-on toy, or maybe that's just what I want to believe.

I dip my fries in salt. Not ketchup, salt.

"Wheels on the Bus" - the Raffi version - has been on repeat for an hour. If I don't have it on all the time B begs for it, which gets on my nerves more than listening to it three thousand times every day. It is cute how he asks for it by circling his arms awkwardly around each other, and I do love watching him do all the motions, but goodness B can't you fall in love with a different song?

I haven't done laundry for DAYS. I have somewhere around six loads to do, possibly more.

If we had our laundry facilities on the main floor I would absolutely do laundry more often.

I've started checking out books for B from the library so I can return them when I get bored. The ones at home he is obsessed with "disappear" every now and again.

I'm going to have to cut this one short. B is melting down because I won't let him play with the computer. Even "Wheels on the Bus" isn't distracting him.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


J has been sick for weeks. We've all had it with his hacking cough and general misery. He's missed work, been stuck indoors and has slept sitting up downstairs for days. We miss him. B, who is back in our bed, of course mmmhmm, likes to wake up on mornings when we're both home and have a good long chat before climbing off the bed, heading downstairs and demanding waffles. Okay, he's not that independent, but close! Lately he's had to be very quiet (or at least try) and have dry cereal upstairs for breakfast.

J finally has antibiotics on board; hopefully he'll feel better soon.

On to the confessions!

Sometimes I pop B in the bath for a while so I can sit next to the tub and read.

I ran 3 yellow lights the other day. I could have stopped.

It frustrates me when people don't write thank you notes. My mama taught me that a gift must not be used until a note of gratitude is written and in the mail.

I didn't want Charlotte buried in a cemetery, but I wish for a headstone with her name. A place to leave flowers. A declaration she was here.

Growing up I hated my nose so much I wanted to be in a car accident. Of course, everyone involved in the accident would be fine, I would just have a broken nose that needed fixed.

I still don't like my profile. Anyone who takes a picture of me from the side gets a very, very stern talking to.

One exception, because I love it:

I will be ready for Hawaii two weeks before we leave.

I am always early. ALWAYS. I think it's written into my genetic code.

Sometimes my promptness embarrasses me. I try to be late every now and again, because it seems more normal, but it just makes me feel panicky.

Thanks to Christmas 1/3 of my diet is chocolate right now.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


I write these posts over time. When I think of a confession I jot it down and when I have enough scraps of paper I compile them into a post. The other day a confessions post from a blogger friend popped up in my feed. I love that someone else decided to post confessions. I thought it would be fun to let anyone who wants to join in. There's a spot at the bottom to link up!

I often do the dinner dishes during breakfast.

Educational projects (anything sensory) always work out better in my mind.

If I hear a strange noise I dial 91 on my cell phone and then go looking. I blame this on J who once told me a story about a man who hid in a family's attic for days. He waited for the husband to leave and then he murdered the wife. Thanks for that urban legend, honey.

The other day I found Bennett licking the (open) battery compartment of the carbon monoxide detector (which is not plugged in). So basically he was licking a battery. And our household is unsafe.

I let Bennett play with "public toys."

I rarely remember to wash Bennett's hands after we've been out somewhere.

I hate having my feet touched because I am so ticklish.

Which is why I've never had a pedicure. I hope to sit calmly and quietly through one before we go to Hawaii.

When I'm having a rough day with Bennett I Instagram and Facebook my life like there's no tomorrow. I always have something funny to say, or a cute picture to post, and it makes me remember how amazing my life is. It also provides me with a tiny bit of adult conversation. (Do comments count as conversation?)

I tell Isabel to "check the perimeter!" (look out the window for cats) when I need to separate her and Bennett for a few minutes.

I Google every parenting question/issue that comes up.

I try so hard to be the calm even thought I lost a baby mama I'm afraid I don't worry enough sometimes.

I've cried in the car twice in the space of a week. Because of Christmas songs on the radio (I'll Be Home For Christmas, All I Want For Christmas Is You). Because I should be buying presents for a little girl. Because I miss her. Because missing her hurts so much during the holidays I can barely breathe.

I call Bennett by his middle name when frustrated with him.

I am ready to wean, but feel like I can't because of Bennett's allergies (no cow's milk, hates all other milk we've tried). I feel like I should wait until he's two, but ughhhh ...

If I have the chance to birth another baby I'm getting an epidural. Make that two - one for the body, one for the brain.

What do you have to confess today?

Friday, November 16, 2012


We're headed to the back of beyond tomorrow. Four days with limited internet service!! I'll miss you. And Instagram. And Facebook. What can I say, I'm addicted. And at least once while we are gone I will be pressed up against a window trying to get a signal ...

I just did a confessions post, but thought I would put another one up since I'll be gone a few days. I love these posts; they're so fun to write.


I don't own makeup. And I don't know how to apply it. I used to have a mascara tube from my wedding floating around that I would halfheartedly apply if we were going somewhere nice, but it's long gone. 

I think J and I would fall to pieces if we were on a show like The Amazing Race. Kindness while undergoing stress is not my strength.

Sometimes I do something that is not very wise, but everything turns out fine so I don't correct my behavior. Example: putting Bennett in his seat and then turning to get something out of the diaper bag without buckling him in. My knee was the only thing that stopped him from greeting the pavement with his head.

I almost got hit by a car the other day. If my mom hadn't honked my horn it would have backed into me. I just tried to evade the car while panicking, "I can't find the horn, where's the horn?!"

I don't like it when the car's gas gauge drops below half.

I've never run out of gas.

I absolutely hate going to the gas station even though we live in one of two states where attendants pump the gas for you. If you try to do it yourself you will get a stern talking to.

I've never pumped my own gas.

When I am sad or sick I wear the sweater I had on when I held Charlotte. It is threadbare with holes but I'll never get rid of it.

Bennett dresses better than I do.

I've adopted this fall wardrobe look that is very unfashionable, but so comfy. Sweater, skinny jeans, tall warm boots (like Uggs, but off brand, from Costco).

I am an unquestioning rule follower. I follow every rule, even if it makes little sense.

We're totally stocking up for the apocalypse/end of the world/future natural disaster.

I always feel a little smug when Bennett points to the CD player and asks for music. Smart boy doesn't know what a television is but he likes to have music on all day long.

I worry about exposing Bennett to television too early but the main reason he hasn't watched television is because I can't work the super complicated set up J created. And we don't have cable, or a television in our living room.


Back in a few days. Wish me luck on the four hour car drive with the toddler who only tolerates one hour.

Thursday, November 8, 2012


The words 'hubby,' preggers' and 'preggo' drive me crazy.

The phrase 'pick your brain,' makes me shudder. Why would you ever, EVER, want to pick someone's brain?

I love skinny jeans.

I want to have a third baby, but am so stuck on the who (doctor) and where (place of delivery) questions it may not happen.

The whole paralyzing fear at the thought of another pregnancy and delivery is a bit of a problem as well.

I don't walk the dog as often as I should.

I love having a toddler helper.

Even if I have ten library books at home I look on the new arrivals shelf when I take Bennett to story time.

I select most of my books based on title, author and cover.

Each year I read less "serious fiction." Give me a beach read and I'm happy. I had enough of the important, classical, read before you die book lists while at university.

I've stopped weighing myself. 

I like not knowing that particular number.

I don't pay attention to developmental milestones. I think I would obsess over every.little.thing if I knew what Bennett should be doing at this age.

When I have guests over my cleaning goals are as follows: very clean kitchen and bathroom, the rest of the house if I get to it.

Sometimes I feel like a slacker mom because I have time to myself most days. I hear other moms complain of never being able to sit down, but I spend a lot of naps feet up with a hot drink and good book.

When Bennett gets independent (in a safe environment) I have to force myself to let him walk away from me and play on his own.

I can't believe there will come a day when Bennett has a job and lives on his own. I already kind-of hate his wife ...

Sunday, September 30, 2012


I think it's time for another round, don't you?

I rarely finish tv shows. There's just so many seasons and the story lines are so insanely implausible (I'm looking at you Grey's Anatomy). Exceptions: Friends and Gilmore Girls.

Being a parent has led to some truly gross/lazy behavior. I wiped Bennett's nose with his shirt the other day because I didn't want to get up and find a cloth.

One afternoon I found Bennett trying to pry dried banana off the heating vent in the dining room with his teeth.

I eat too many sweets. I would eat sweets all the time (and carbs) if I didn't worry about my health.

I kind-of like working out (it allows me to eat more sweets ...)

The best part about going to the gym is ten-fifteen minutes of uninterrupted shower time. Thank you, child watch.

Sometimes I wish I didn't care about what we eat or where it comes from.

I love stationary. I have to stop myself from buying every cute card and thank you note set I come across.

If we ever move I would dearly miss watching neighborhood life out the front windows. Our living and dining room look out on the street. Some nights we have fabulous dinner entertainment.

Bennett doesn't nap nearly as much as he "should." I've stopped caring.

I can count on one hand the number of times Bennett has slept through the night. Last time he did I wound up with mastitis. 

Sometimes I wish J had to do all of the meal planning, cooking and cleaning. Then I think about working full time and change my mind. (And J does help out around the house.)

I have a hard time remembering who I was before Charlotte died.

Decorations go up for Christmas. I do not decorate for fall or spring or Easter or St. Patrick's Day. And I really don't want to, but the fact that I don't have a "fall decorations" bin makes me feel like less of a mom.

My mom, dad and parents-in-law make our lives much, much easier. We couldn't have pulled off Bennett's first birthday without them.

I really, really, really want to grow our family, but I really, really, really don't want to be pregnant again, but I really, really, really want a living biological daughter.

I cannot believe I am preparing a speech for a memorial walk AND working on starting a babyloss ministry at our church. I never would have picked this path for my life.

I want to start a 'when dads dress baby' blog.

The best part about sleeping in on the weekends is waking up to the sound of baby feet on the hardwoods.

I wish early fall lasted forever.


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