Saturday, January 10, 2009

Open Mouth - Insert Foot

This past Sunday I made the colossal mistake of saying I wasn't sure I wanted children to my sister when my mother was in my house. I didn't think she was in hearing range, but the conversation (it was more of a lecture, actually) that occurred the following Thursday reminded me that mothers are always in hearing range.

On Thursday I took my mother out to lunch because she was going to drive me to Vancouver, WA to pick up our new car. It's a 2008 Subaru and I am unashamedly in love with it. I took her out to Burgerville because it's local-ish and if you're going to eat fast food you might as well eat the best you can find.

As soon as we sat down my mother said, "Are you sure you don't want to have children?" Oh, Lord I thought. She's been stewing over this since Sunday. That means she's had days to come up with arguments and reasons why I should have children. After that opening volley a 40 minute conversation, of sorts, was had. She did most of the talking while I threw in as much defending as I could. At one point my mother even said, "I'm not telling you what to do - I'm just telling you what to do."

I feel more blindsided than angry. My mother has always been so good about not interfering. She's always let me do what I need to do and if I need her she's always been there. Yes, there have been some judgmental comments over the years, but for the most part she has let me live my life as I see fit.

I know this conversation probably stems from the fact that my sister is moving to Idaho with my nephew for her husband's job. My mother bonded with my nephew from day one. He started sleeping over at her house when he was two weeks old and when he was diagnosed with kidney disease (false diagnosis!) and then cancer she was with my sister every step of the way. She still goes to most hospital visits with them and she still watches him a lot. She has 3 other grandchildren besides him though. I don't see why I need to add to the crowd.

Plus my nephew's illness scares me half to death. My sister once told me the hardest thing she's had to face is that her child could die. When I asked her how she's managed to come to terms with that fact she said, "You just do." My sister has been a mother, a nurse, and a support system for her husband through this journey. I have no idea how she gets up day after day, but she does. The chances of me having a child with cancer are slim, but there is a chance because my nephew and cousin have the same type of cancer and they both got it as babies. When I look at my nephew and think of how sick he's been and how far we still have to go it breaks my heart. I love that little boy so much; I can only imagine how much I would love my own child.

I tried to explain all of the concerns Jonathan and I have about my health. She responded that that should make us try quicker because I may not be able to get pregnant. Being my mother she was quick to bring up my greatest fear.

"You don't want to be the 40-year-old mother dropping your child off at preschool do you?" she asked. Well, of course not! But I am only 25! I want to finish having kids by the time I am 30. Surely I don't have to start today?! Since I am so unsure on the matter I think it's better to wait instead of having a child I don't want.

There's also the matter of the spring of 2008 when my marriage was blown to pieces and I was left standing in the aftermath wondering what the hell had happened. Jonathan and I are doing much, much better now. With the help of friends, family and counseling we've been able to pick up most of the pieces, but I'm still frightened that adding something as stressful as a child to our lives will scatter the pieces all over again. I know we still need time as a couple without children to regain our footing and make sure we're on solid ground. We're so close, but I don't want to rush things.

I already spend so much of my time worrying about whether or not I want to be a mom. I don't need my mother weighing in on the matter. When I feel ready, we will try. And if I can't get pregnant, we will not look into infertility options as my mother suggested. If I am unable to get pregnant I am going to regard it as a sign from my body and the good Lord that it is not meant to happen.

Some days, I tell you. Some days.

We leave for Mt. Hood tomorrow. We rented a cabin near Zig-Zag for a few days and I am going to spend my time not thinking about children. I'm going to enjoy spending time with my husband and the dog (and our new car!). I'm going to read, watch a lot of movies and eat popcorn by the fire. I'm going to spend hours in the hot tub and I am going to sleep a lot.

Friday, January 2, 2009

How exciting!

Our Internet has been spotty for the past two weeks so I've been blogging from work on my lunch break. Fair warning: I've got lots to say.

First off - I watched Mamma Mia New Year's Eve and I LOVED it. It's not a very good movie, but at the same time it's too excellent to watch only once. I wish I would've watched it when my husband wasn't around so I could have the full experience, but I can (and will) watch it again. The DVD even has a sing along option!

I have to admit, I listened to a lot of ABBA in high school and this movie brought some old memories back. My best friend in high school loved the song Dancing Queen so much she wanted someone to wake her up on her 17th birthday with that song. So I did. We jumped on her bed and danced and sang until the song was over. We were both 17 and life was grand and rather uncomplicated. I haven't thought of that moment in YEARS, but as soon as that song started playing it all came rushing back.

One thing I did not like about the movie? Pierce Brosnan should not sing. Ever. The parts where he has to solo are painful and I recommend skipping them.

Jonathan and I are going up to the mountains the 2nd week of January for a much needed vacation. I wish it wouldn't have snowed so much before Christmas because we're both sick of the stuff now, but hopefully our vacation will still be fun. While it would be nice to go somewhere warm I am very, very excited to be going to the mountain. The only problem is that the mountain cabin has a hot tub and I have not bought a bathing suit since 2005. Or maybe 2004. It's been a long time.

I was out shopping for a few things yesterday and on a whim decided to try on a bathing suit. And not just any bathing suit, but a bikini. Well, it wasn't exactly a whim. I think my husband is tired of seeing me in the same bathing suit. But I only wear it once a year, at the most, so it's not like it's worn out.

Now, I have put on a bikini exactly zero times before in my life. I am just not comfortable exposing that much skin to the world. I don't even like V-neck t-shirts because they show a hint of cleavage. I place the blame for my modesty on being raised Baptist.

I was standing in the dressing room, glad no one could see me trying to get into a bikini, when I had a realization: the mystery 8 lbs I have gained this year are sitting on my thighs. I spent 11 months wondering where the hell I had gained the weight and two seconds after stuffing myself into a bikini, I had my answer.

I quickly divested myself of the bikini and got back into my layers of clothing. Let me just say - I LOVE WINTER! No need for skirts, shorts or tank tops. I can pile on 4 or 5 shirts and people don't give me a second glance. I am so glad we are vacationing in a cold spot. The only time I have to put on a bathing suit is if I choose to use the hot tub. I don't have to wear a bathing suit because we're vacationing in the tropics and it's too hot to wear anything else. Thank the Lord for cold weather. I'm already dreading June.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Yea for rain!

I was overjoyed to wake up to rain falling outside my window this morning. We are finally up to 40 degrees or so outside and the snow is melting. I have spent the past two weeks driving to and from work, worrying about the weather, and trying to stay alive. Christmas is over, the snow is over and I am alive - what more can I ask for?

On Christmas Jonathan was working at the hospital. I went down for a horrible lunch (at least it was free) and then took myself to a movie. Thanks to my work bonus I have quite a few movies (with popcorn!) in my future. I rarely go to movies and when I do I usually don't buy anything from the concession stand. I saw Marley and Me and despite the bad reviews I enjoyed it. I cried through the last 10 minutes or so which prevented me from realizing just how sappy and over the top the ending was. But it was good, and to be honest I would watch it again.

We have no phone connection and no Internet and probably won't until the 2nd of January. I am writing this on my lunch break at work. It is very, very cold in here and I have to stop and warm my hands now and again so they don't freeze.

I can't believe it's almost 2009. I regressed to high school in a dream last night - thankfully those days are far, far behind me. On Christmas I was thinking about my life and how I'm quite happy with how things have turned out so far. I tend to complain a lot, and I would make it my New Year's Resolution to stop complaining so much but then I wouldn't be me.

I have to go back to work. Things are slow today, but we had an excellent holiday season. Hope everyone had wonderful holiday times and enjoy your New Year's celebrations!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Batten down the hatches!

Cold, cold weather is on its way. I'm glad I have Sunday and Monday off - I am hoping I can avoid going outside during the worst of the weather. I hate it when it gets this cold (some news stations are reporting a low of 12 and a high of 20!) but as long as there is no ice I will be fine.

I am going to spend my weekend cleaning the house, reading books and wrapping gifts. As long as the power doesn't go out I will be content.

Enjoy the cold!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Friday Night

Friday night I learned why I don't try to meet people randomly. The only person who showed up for the group was the person who wanted to start it. She's 21 and after 45 minutes in her company I was more than ready to go home. She didn't seem to understand the difference between an independent bookstore and a chain bookstore and when I asked her what she liked to read her response was ... books. Very enlightening. And she said like every other word, which I cannot stand!

At least I tried though and now I can stay at home and do nothing until January or February. I think I'll stick to my other small goal - lose 10 lbs. by June. I can accomplish that, I think, and I can do it alone!

I miss college when most everyone was within a 5 block radius. Now we've all moved and there's lots of people I haven't seen since graduation. Thank goodness for Facebook and e-mail, it does make life easier. It's not the same though ... I miss all of you!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

So scared!

I think there should be an award for bravery and I think it should go to me. Nice, huh? I love when things work out like that. The other night (Sunday? Monday?) I was sitting around the house reading while my husband was out playing X-Box with his best friend. Around 9:00 I decided I was tired of sitting at home every weekend while he played X-Box so I decided to make some friends in Salem!

This is not as hard as one would think. I contemplated going to a bar, but I didn't think I would want to be friends with anyone I may meet at a bar so I decided to do a bit of craigslist searching instead. Scary fact of the day: people really do put up posts on craigslist that say "Will you be my friend?" I avoided those and clicked on a link about a book group in Salem.

The group is just starting up, the first get-to-know each other meeting is on Friday, and I am going! I am determined to see this through. I will not wander into the meeting place, and then sit in a corner by myself and pretend I am waiting for someone else. No one in the group knows each other so I think it's a great way to start this adventure.

I really prefer staying at home after work. I like putting on pajamas, my fake Uggs, and clomping around the house all night with the dog, a good book and a mug of hot chocolate with a dash of peppermint schnapps. (Did you know that's called a Snuggler?!) I hate coming home and then going back out. It's always so dark and cold and usually not very fun.

On Friday night though, I am going to go back out after work. I am going to join a group of people at a Starbucks (of course it has to be a Starbucks!) and I will do my best to have a good time. In general, I hate book groups because I've usually read whatever is being read and I don't like talking in groups. Even if the group only consists of 3 people, I prefer to keep my mouth shut.

There's going to be at least 5 people at this meeting! I will probably curl up in fear and not say a word, but at least I will have shown up. If only Starbucks could make me a Snuggler - maybe I will sneak a flask in.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Best Day Ever

I had what I would describe as a near ideal day yesterday. I woke up late and stayed in bed for two hours reading a book that was due back at the library. It was a really good young adult novel about a girl who is struggling with her weight. I thought the author handled the issue in a very, very realistic tone. Jonathan brought me something to eat while I was in bed. I think that is the best way to live, food and a book in bed. I don't need much more than that.

I got up around 10:30 or 11:00. Jonathan and I were going to go to Twilight on Monday, but I just couldn't wait. We went downtown, grabbed a slice at Straight From New York Pizza and then headed over to the theater. The movie was good, it stayed with the book, but I had a really hard time focusing. I was so busy watching everyone else react to the movie. When Edward walked into the school for the first time a collective sigh rippled across the theater. Jonathan and I glanced at each other and did our best not to laugh too loudly. At the end of the aisle, a couple seats away, a woman in her fifties was eagerly watching the movie. She was leaning so far forward I'm surprised she didn't fall out of her seat. When I came back from the bathroom I had to ask her to lean back twice so I could walk down to my seat. The movie was at the oh so important kissing scene and she was none too happy with my request.

After the movie we went to the library where I finally got my hands on a copy of the Gossip of Starlings. I can't wait to dive into it. I thought there was an advanced copy floating around the store, but I can't find it so the library copy will have to do.

Then we headed home and I took Isabel for a long, long walk. We walked in a different area than we normally do. I have to say, Salem is not a very nice town. There are some pretty rough neighborhoods right next to really nice ones. Isabel was ambushed by a cat, but nothing else too exciting happened. We were gone for an hour and it was a nice, relaxing walk.

I spent the rest of the evening curled up on the couch with a book. I had a huge mug filled with hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps and it was so warm and cozy I wanted to stay there forever. Jonathan was upstairs playing video games and I called him from my cell phone periodically for snacks and so he could take care of the dog. Yes, I really can be that lazy sometimes and he is nice enough to cater to me when I am like that. What a good, good day. It was exactly what I needed.

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