My sister's baby was born yesterday and while I am thrilled that baby is healthy I'm not coping very well with it all.
I stayed in bed from Friday to Sunday. I raised my head above the parapet today and nearly lost it. I went out to lunch with my dad this afternoon and ran into one of the regulars from the bookstore. Our conversation lasted thirty seconds and in those few seconds she managed to get this out: "Well, obviously you're over it now." Said while staring pointedly at my belly. My dad was being seated by the waitress so I turned to follow him. She was walking ahead of me and turned back to say, "Well, maybe you never get it over." I shook my head and said, "No, you don't, but I am blessed to be pregnant again." I wanted to drop kick her across the room but she is elderly and my mama raised me better than that.
And then there was the really bad news from today: my dear friend went in for an ultrasound this morning and learned that her baby had died three weeks prior. A has pulled me through some dark times. She is my light through this journey. Her dear babe died five years ago this May and she has been so kind and loving to me on this journey. This babe is her third rainbow. Dear mama has two babies in her heart and two in her arms. Where is the sense in that? And to be completely selfish about it, we were a week apart and I was so looking forward to the next few months with her.
The tears seem to be never ending. The pregnancy hormones amplify everything which doesn't help at all. I've actually wondered if all the tears that have been falling on my slowly growing belly can be good for little spark. Charlotte knew my voice when she was born. This poor babe will only recognize my tears.
I'm in the dark place, and like I told J the other night, you have to respect the dark place. Back to bed for me for the next few days. Life feels safer there at the moment.
But first! A little brightness in all the gloom: I saw three rainbows today - one was this double rainbow. The picture is not great as I took it with my cell phone, but two rainbows are visible.