Tuesday, August 7, 2012


I'm in a place of near constant meltdowns, but trying not to show it.  Yeah, it's not working.

After a month away from counseling I went last Thursday.  After our session my counselor said, "um, yeah, scheduling you in for next week ..." as she reached for her appointment book.

There's just a lot going on.  On Sunday I tried to be cheerful and helpful while at the hospital with my sister, but underneath the cheerfulness was some anger.  It's just so unfair that my sister and I have complicated pregnancies and babies who need extra help, or, in my case, don't make it at all.  And mixed in with the anger is some PTSD - naturally - and a lot of stress about a few different things including B's lack of sleep and my health (darn thyroid).

My life is full of unknowns and uncertainties right now and I just don't cope well under conditions like this. I know things will settle down soon.  I know this is a crazy season that will transition into a quieter season in the beginning of October (I hope).  I know I have a lot to be thankful for.  I'm not complaining.  I'm just overwhelmed.  And hot.  I really don't do well in the summer heat.  I'm serious.  It's making everything that is going on much more difficult for me to handle.

Monday, August 6, 2012

sweet life

I have a few cute pictures from our time with B's cousins, but before I share those I want to share pictures of my new niece:

Alison Joy born 8/3/12 weighing 5 lbs 15 oz.  Sweet girl is doing so well despite coming earlier than we expected!

While my sister and her husband care for their new little one my mom is helping with the two older kids.  I stayed over Sunday night to help out.  B loves playing with his cousins.

This grandma works SO hard.

We have the eldest push a stroller, otherwise we can't go on a walk (unless we use the Ergo and it's way too hot for that).

Sunday, August 5, 2012


I am typing this on my phone and it's late. Pardon any inaccuracies.

I can't sleep.  I spent the day with my sister and her new baby girl then went to my mom's to help wrangle four kids to bed, B included.

My heart is just full from today. Thankful and full. Being with my sister today made me realize I might not be able to have more kids.

I just don't know if I can put my heart on the line again. I don't want to deal with another NICU stay.

I don't want to navigate the uncertain waters of pregnancy.

Maybe B is my only. Maybe I still feel like someone is missing because Charlotte isn't here. Maybe my family is as complete as it's going to be.

My sister's Ali is doing well. She was born at 35.5 weeks.  There are challenges, but she is mighty and fierce with a strong cry.

And today I walked into a hospital room and a NICU without falling to pieces.  That's more than I could do when my sister's second baby was born.

I really should sleep. Tomorrow morning is going to be busy. Four kids, two adults. They outnumber us, but we'll be fine.  It's pure chaos, but we always survive.  And soon we'll have a fifth (eight cousins total on my side, so much fun for B) little one in the pack.  Can't wait to watch her grow up.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

oh, birthdays

It's almost my birthday and this year I don't feel sad or shattered or anxious or worn down.  I feel happy and blessed and overjoyed.

I feel like I need a bucket list for this year since next year I will be 30!

What did you want to accomplish before you were 30?

What I thought I wanted when I was 20 is so different from what I want now.

I don't even know if I can come up with anything I HAVE to do before I'm 30. I have a family, a healthy baby who is nearly a year now (!) and too many blessings to list them all.

And no I never got that graduate degree I talked about.  And no we never moved to Europe.  And no I'm not who I thought I would be.  But I honestly think I might be someone better.  And my first book - short as it is, it still counts - will be available soon and that's a dream I've carried around for so long I can't remember when I first imagined it being part of my life.


I wrote that ^^ last night.  Then I woke up this morning to the now familiar feeling of birthday sorrow. You know, the whole I'm a year older, Charlotte will never be a year older sadness.  I have so much to be thankful for and all I can think about is what - and who - I'm missing.

My birthday is almost over, but I think I can turn it around.  We had a nice dinner out and after J puts B to bed (I can hear him reading to him, it's the sweetest thing) we're going to watch a movie while I work on the cupcakes J made for me.

Life doesn't always take the shape we want, but we can - and should - still celebrate the small things.

And I can't forget that my 29th year brought me the brightest light with the best giggle I've ever heard.

Small things.  Big blessings.  So much can change in a year.

Friday, August 3, 2012

29 tomorrow

but I've already received the best present.

My sister's third baby, sweet Ali, was born this afternoon.  She's a little earlier than expected at 35.5 weeks.  She is in the NICU, but doing well.

And then there's my boots:

Man, I am not a fashion blogger.  Most of the time they stand with their legs crossed like they have to pee - have you noticed?  Maybe it's slimming?

Way too hot to wear them right now.  We broke 90 today.  First time this summer, I think.  Tomorrow is expected to be 101.  Mercy.

Despite the heat this has already been a great birthday.  Full of sweetness and unexpectedness.

Now I just need some (egg free) cupcakes.  I always try to eat my weight in cupcakes on my birthday.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

on choosing to end a pregnancy for medical reasons

I shared an article from The Washington Post on this blog's facebook page.  And then things got stirred up a bit and feelings were hurt.  Let me clarify my thoughts a bit here.

The article is, "The Kind of Woman Who Needs a Late Term Abortion."  The article is about the push to ban abortion after twenty weeks of pregnancy in the District of Columbia and the writer's experience with a late term abortion because of her son's medical condition.

I want to stress that I am pro-life.  I was pro-life before I lost Charlotte and now I'm really pro-life.  I don't agree with ending a life.

And I don't agree with all of the politics in this article, but I think the writer has a good point; there are circumstances where a mother or a baby's life is in danger and medical action has to be taken. I think the terminology needs to be changed.  I think using the term abortion, or serial abortionist for women who miscarry multiple times, is hurtful and incorrect.  I know it makes it easier for insurance companies and medical offices, but it also creates a large gray area for women and families.

This part of the article really spoke to me:

Meet, too, the many real women I know who belong to one of the saddest groups in the world: those carrying babies for whom there was no real hope and who made the heartbreaking decision to end their pregnancies for medical reasons. Meet the women among this group who had gotten, they thought, safely to the middle of pregnancy, who had been planning nurseries and filling baby registries, only to find they would need to plan a memorial service and to build, somehow, a life in aftermath.

We are not reckless, ruthless creatures. Our hearts hurt each day for our losses. We mourn. We speak the names and nicknames of each other’s babies to one another; we hold each other up on the anniversaries of our losses, and we celebrate new babies and new accomplishments, all bittersweet because they arrive in the wake of grief. We extend our arms to the women who must join our community, and we lament that our numbers rise every day.
I know people who have carried to term with a fatal diagnosis.  I know people who have chosen to end their pregnancy because of a fatal diagnosis.  I don't pretend to understand how either one feels.  And I don't judge.  The Bible exhorts us to love like Jesus and that's what I try my hardest to do.  Love.  Extend compassion.  Understand that I have a grasp on losing a baby less than two hours after birth, but I don't know the ins and outs of a terminal diagnosis at the twenty week ultrasound.
I'm sorry if feelings were hurt.  I'm sorry sharing the article caused questioning of my heart and beliefs. My intention was to acknowledge the families who decided to end a pregnancy for medical reasons because I feel they are too often left in the shadows, cloaked in shame and a lack of understanding.
My heart is with every mother and father who has lost a baby and my blog, as well as the facebook page, exist so we can come together and heal.  I apologize for the misunderstanding and hurt feelings.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012



^^ that's how I feel today.

B is eating my sandal, which is on my foot.

I'm ignoring him.  He won't nap, he has to play by himself for a while.  It's only fair, right?

I am nearly out of my head crazy frustrated right now.  Life just isn't behaving how I want it to.  I know that makes no sense at all, but I just need to vent for a second so I can be a fabulous mom the rest of the day (I may have snapped at B when he giggled and pulled my hair when I tried to nap him :(

My mom is taking B for the night.  I am going to SLEEP all night WITHOUT nursing and tomorrow morning things will look brighter.  I've been nursing for nearly eleven months.  I need a break.

And now I'm going to find every piece of chocolate in this here house and eat it.  That will help, I'm sure.


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