Thursday, September 6, 2012

learning curve

Sorry to be so posty today. Last one for a while, promise!

thoughts & giveaway winner!

Thank you for entering my giveaway! The winner is ...

Hannah Rose! Let me know where you would like your copy sent, Hannah.

My brain has been absolutely fried lately. I'm a bit done in with lack of sleep combined with B's first birthday and getting the book published and available in varying formats. The Kindle edition is NOT working. For some reason the pictures are not showing up right now. We are working on fixing the problem ASAP.

Thank you so much for your comments on my desperate sleep post. The crib soother is helping some. I've been able to get longer stretches of sleep, which helps my mood so much.

I'm in a really strange place. I've achieved a dream - publishing a book - but the way it came about is not what I planned for my life. Obviously. I spoke with the owner of the bookstore where I used to work this morning. We talked briefly about how my life and career path has gone in a completely different direction than expected. And it's all because of one little girl's short life.

As I drove by the hospital where Charlotte died this morning I thought about how much it still hurts. Even after all this time. Even with a dream accomplished and my boy with his toes on the edge of toddlerhood sleeping quietly in the backseat it hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Sending this book out into the world is really bittersweet. Thank you for supporting me and loving my Charlotte.

kindle version available!!

UPDATE: The Kindle edition is not working right now. We hope to have it up and running soon!

The Kindle version of Unexpected Goodbye is available for purchase!!

You can buy it HERE.

We are still working on having Unexpected Goodbye available for the Nook and other devices. Converting it to Kindle just about did my brain in. I need a day before I start trying to sort out converting to epub.

Thank you for your patience. And thank you to Ann for being determined to make it happen and Teri ( for advice!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

desperate measures

This morning J and I went out to breakfast at a super popular place in town. J was so tired I don't know if he even remembers going. He'd been up since 3am with Bennett. Yep, that's right. Our nearly one-year-old would not settle so J held him from 3-7am and made him sleep.

It's not supposed to be like this, right?

After breakfast Bennett and I went to Target - oh lovely place - to buy a crib soother. J was throwing around reintroducing pacifier threats and I was eager to avoid that since we weaned him once and having to do it twice just seems to be inviting trouble.

You know what that $45.00 crib soother did? NOTHING. Which is what I expected, but I had to try something. This evening I nursed Bennett, turned on the crib soother (lights, music, little fish that swim about) and left the room. I thought he would be interested in it and wouldn't be too upset that I had left.

He screamed (and screamed and screamed and screamed) while I sat on the couch inhaling chocolate chips and J played a video game. After a chunk of time had passed (not revealing how much lest you hate me) I went in and realized he needed his diaper changed. I changed his diaper, held him for a few minutes and then put him back in his crib. And he screamed a while longer. We dug out a pacifier. He refused it. We let him cry a bit longer and then J settled him by sitting next to the crib and gentling him to sleep.

It's quite flattering that he prefers me over lights, noise and simulated swimming fish, but I really wish he didn't. Bennett craves human interaction. He loves people and socializing and hanging out. I've really struggled with his need for me during the night. A small part of me thinks he needs to learn how to hang by himself at night. A larger part of me thinks he's a baby and if he needs his mama he should get his mama no matter the hour. But now that we're transitioning into his second year of life (sigh) something's gotta give.

Guys, we're exhausted. We're short tempered (me, mostly) and worn down and J is just getting over a bout of sickness and we can barely hold our heads up anymore. I feel like we're doing something wrong, or like there is something wrong with Bennett; like he came to us with his sleep wiring all confused.

I feel so selfish for writing this out but I want to put him to bed at night and then be done with parenting for a little while. If he needs milk in the middle of the night, fine, but waking up at 10:20 every night and then every two hours after that is just too much. I've been working on settling him down without milk when he first wakes. Sometimes that works until midnight or 2am, but he's back up at 5 wanting milk and he is up for the day at 6. I'm averaging 4-5 hours of sleep - not all in one go mind you - every night. It's just not enough. A LOT of my IRL friends don't struggle with this issue, which makes me feel more inadequate

Crying it out doesn't work. 

Rocking him to sleep nets three-five hours sleep though a five hour stretch is a rarity. 

Giving milk once a night doesn't work.

Bringing him to bed with us only works half the time, and I would rather not bed share.

Offering comfort items doesn't work.

I don't think it's a diet thing. He's dairy, wheat, egg and nut free.

We're trying the chiropractor next. We just don't know what else to do.

We are so tired. And I'm worried I've unintentionally set him up for a lifetime of sleep problems.

I'm just really overwhelmed right now. Tired, frustrated, a bit sad too.


I'm still eating chocolate chips. I should probably go to bed.

Monday, September 3, 2012


If you haven't bought Unexpected Goodbye yet here's your chance to win a copy!
All you have to do to enter is share this post on Facebook or Twitter. Then come back here and leave a comment letting me know you did. I'll select a winner using Thursday, the 6th.

And ... one more thing: I feel terrible for forgetting to thank Amy for snapping the cover photo. She captured so many beautiful photos of us on Charlotte's first birthday. Thank you, friend!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

oh so quickly goes this life

Goodness life has been busy lately. We are prepping for Bennett's party on the fifteenth and it is requiring quite a bit of work. We are doing this one up big. I feel like it's a first birthday party and a thank you to everyone who helped us through Charlotte's death, Bennett's pregnancy and the first year of Bennett's life. A couple online friends are celebrating their rainbow babies first birthday on the fifteenth too. It makes me so happy to see them posting about their parties. We made it a year, friends! Yay!!

Summer is winding down. Bennett turning one is making me super emotional. I just want him to stay little forever. But I'm also so glad he is healthy and growing. I have one who will stay little forever. It sounds better than it is.

One year ago I was preparing to birth and meet my baby. This year I birthed a book. I've been hesitant to call it a book, or make much of it, but sad as the content - and the need for it is - I'm quite proud of it.

I just can't believe how much has happened since May 14th, 2010. I had no idea there would be so much richness and love in my life after she died. My heart still aches, there is still so much missing from my life, but there is sunshine and beauty too. 

This guy is my world.

Almost one. Almost a toddler. Walking, talking, opinionated and sweet. Whew. Anyone else super emotional around the first birthday?

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Unexpected Goodbye Contents

I can't believe how quickly things are taking off with the eBook! Thank you SO much for encouraging and supporting me. If you have purchased the book please send me your feedback when you have finished reading it. I want it to be the best it can. And please continue to share it. I want people to have it as a resource and you help make that happen.

Here are the contents of Unexpected Goodbye for those who downloaded a free chapter and want to know what the rest of the book is about.

Chapter 1: Saying Goodbye
Chapter 2: Autopsy Report, Burial, Cremation, Memorial Service
Chapter 3: Early Days
Chapter 4: Postpartum
Chapter 5: Relationships
Chapter 6: A Father’s Grief 
Chapter 7: Work, Responsibilities
Chapter 8: Choosing to live
Chapter 9: For Friends & Family
Chapter 10: Trying to Conceive After Loss 
Chapter 11: Closing

To buy Unexpected Goodbye just click HERE.

Thank you for reading our story and loving our family.


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