Saturday, October 13, 2012

memorial walk

My heart is full. A little sad too. I didn't have a chance to take pictures with my camera actual so these are all from my phone. If you're on my instagram I apologize for the repeats.

We did manage to capture video from today. Once I have the audio J will match everything up and then I'll post it. And if anyone sends me pictures I'll post some of those as well.

I'm just glad I made it through without crying or passing out. There were a lot of people there (I'll share a number if I hear one) and public speaking is tough for me. It was nice to have a row of family and friends in the back. Thanks for showing up for my girl.

Beautiful sad day.

It's always good to speak her name.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

what's a mama to do?

On Sunday I had to fetch Bennett from his class ten minutes into service because he wouldn't stop crying. Today I managed ten minutes of my workout (had only made it to the hot tub so far ...) before I had to hustle into the locker room, rinse off, change and fetch a crying Bennett.

By the time I got to the child watch room he had settled down. I watched him for a minute as I tried to decide what to do. Change again? Go home? When Bennett set his head down on a toy and wailed I decided to head home.

Every time I drop him off at church or the gym he cries. I hate leaving him in such a state, but he has settled. Although lately there has been no settling. Bennett throws down until I get to him. I'm talking crazy, choking, coughing crying.

When I picked him up this morning one of the caretakers noted that he was wheezing. I explained that he might have asthma, but it's too soon to tell. When he gets overexcited or worked up he tends to wheeze, but it's nothing to worry about.

And then - oh this is terrible - I got frustrated with Bennett. I know it's not his fault he is always sick or rashy or wheezing, but it's so tiresome always having a sick kid with millions of allergies. That frustration combined with my frustration at his inability to handle child watch, and it was all made worse by the fact that I was wearing a damp sweatshirt and soaking wet flip flops.

Just outside the child watch room is a seating area with a fireplace. I set Bennett down to watch the fire while I dried my feet and put my socks and shoes on. He is really into light right now (he points at lights and lamps all day long) so he was quite happy to sit and chatter with the fire.

As I sat there I wondered if we should keep trying him in his class at church and child watch at the gym. We bought the membership with the idea that we would work out together or with friends a few times a week. If Bennett can't handle being away from us our entire plan is out the window - which is part of having kids, I know.

Bennett has no problem setting off on his own at a birthday party, but I better not choose to leave him. He is so independent I forget he's just 13 months.

I hate handing over a screaming clinging baby, but I think it's good for him to learn how to be away from me. I feel like if I don't follow through, or if I quit trying, the situation will only become more difficult. It's not an easy choice.

My patience is just fried today. Before we left this morning Bennett dumped a nearly full bag of gluten free puffs all over the nursery floor. It was my fault for leaving them in his diaper bag, but did he have to grind them into the carpet with his dancing baby feet? And I still have a vet appointment to get through this afternoon ...

Tough day. Not as tough as the easiest grief filled day, but still tough.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

turn this mind off. or at least down

I needed a bit of quiet time today. Or at least a stretch when I wasn't thinking so hard I thought my brain would implode. I spent the day with my mom and B. We walked and walked and walked and walked.

We went down to the huge park by the river, walked the length of the 23 acre park, let B go crazy on the playground for a while, headed into the downtown core, shopped a bit, had lunch, walked home (with a stop for frozen yogurt along the way).

I think we clocked at least five miles.

The weather here is gorgeous, though I am longing for the rain. It starts out cold; round about 40 degrees, but warms up to 70 or so by the afternoon. We started our walk wreathed with layers. We wore gloves and hats, our breath dashing before us in the cold morning air. By the time we rounded the corner to home we were down to light sweaters and B was snoring it up in the stroller.

Much is weighing heavily on my heart right now. I could list it all, but some of it is my sorrow, some others, and, really, who wants a catalog of sorrow?

I would like to dive under the covers and read through Harry Potter. The whole series. Again. I did that after Charlotte died. I found strength to go on within those pages. Somehow I held on long enough to bring B into this world. And he has given me millions of reasons to continue living. Without her. Half of my heart is gone. Still I breathe. And my boy wonder makes the breathing ache a little less.

Monday, October 8, 2012

this saturday

Just a reminder that this Saturday is A Butterfly's Touch Walk to Remember in Clackamas. If you're local, and I know most of you aren't, please come! Even if you haven't lost a baby you can support friends and family members who have.

Prayers and good thoughts appreciated as I prepare my heart to share Charlotte's story on Saturday. I'll be speaking on what it means to be a parent and how we parent our lost children.

October 2010

Friday, October 5, 2012

when you are sad

put your kid in jeans with suspenders

head to the local coffee house

set your kid free in the alley between your street and the next

watch him run

pick your feet up, B!

you're wrecking your shoes!

cutest thing since the last cute thing he did, right?

jeans from H&M.

you know you want them.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I could write you a thousand letters; none would be returned

This is a heavy, heavy month. Heavy month, heavy heart.

I wrote Charlotte a letter last night. I haven't done that in so long, but felt like I needed to. I was having one of those stunned moments when I couldn't believe that this is really my life.

I was pregnant for 38 weeks. I labored for 26 hours. How can all of the work and hope and prayer and preparation end in death? And why am I still trying to make sense of it?

My grief is weighted. It feels like I'm trying to stand up, but I can't because there is something holding me down. I just want to lie still for a while and grieve. I miss her because of life. Because I've had to go on, and part of the going on is holding new babies and tending to her brother and realizing that she stopped - her breath forever stilled in her chest - while the world and my breath and life continued spinning.

It defies reason, but I keep trying to make sense of it. I actually had a moment the other day when I thought, "if she's safe and alive somewhere else, that's fine. If they were mistaken, if she wasn't really dead, but somehow there was a mix up and she went home with someone else, that's fine. At least she's living somewhere." Then the reminder of her ashes in the living room at home slammed my wishes into the concrete of reality where they shattered and scattered. And there they will remain until I pick them up again with futile, longing hope.

Dear, darling, baby mine, I miss you.

Monday, October 1, 2012


My mom and I have a seven week old, an eight month old and B on our hands right now. I didn't think I would have a spare second to write, but all three babes are napping so I've managed to snag one. We're surviving, but it is a busy time. We're either diapering, changing clothes, feeding or soothing. We did manage a long walk this morning. It was nice to air everyone out. Here is Captain B steering his playground ship:

This afternoon I shared the following on facebook:

Knee deep here, but want to take a moment and remind everyone that today is the beginning of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This is a month to remember and honor the babies who are no longer with us. Love and strength, friends. I know this month can be a long one with tough days and emotional moments.

Sometimes it feels like our cause is overshadowed by others, but we need to keep speaking our grief and sharing our hearts. I love all of the remembrance events and pictures popping up in my feed. And I absolutely love what Carly Marie is doing with the Capture Your Grief project, though I am not participating this year.

On the 15th I'll light a candle for our babies at a service in the park near my house. If you live nearby please contact me for details so you can join us. My heart is so heavy when I think of all the mothers and fathers missing their babies right now. I hope your October is gentle and peaceful.


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