Last Monday I went shopping with my sister. As I was driving home from Portland I started thinking about how monumental our shopping trip was. A year ago we were barely speaking outside of holiday events and now I find myself e-mailing her to see if she wants to hang out. And I'm not hanging out with her because I have to, but because I want to.
The shopping trip was a typical day out with my sister and her 2 year old son, Ryan. She tore through store after store, piling shoes on the floor because she couldn't figure out how to reattach them to their display, dropping shoes on a pile of sweaters because she decided she didn't want them after all, and letting my nephew throw his french fries all over the ground. I followed behind, picking things up and apologizing to store clerks left and right. I work in retail; people who treat stores like that are annoying. I spent the day warm, (why do they overheat malls so dang much?!) flustered, and a bit annoyed.
After years of not wanting to be like my sister
at all I find myself wanting to follow in her footsteps, or at least be like her in some aspects. When we were leaving the mall via Macy's my nephew, Ryan, pitched a fit because he wanted to walk all over the store and my sister wanted him to stay by the stroller. My sister picked him up and carried him screaming out of the mall while I walked behind with the stroller. It was at that moment when I realized, she's done really well with this whole Mom thing. It was thrust upon her unexpectedly and I wasn't sure if she could settle into it, but I'm really impressed by how well she's doing.
Although I am really glad of where my sister and I are at now, I always feel a little sad about what it took to get us there. About a year ago Ryan was diagnosed with a kidney disease. After many consultations the doctors decided to remove one of his kidneys because it was so large. I went to visit Ryan in the hospital and it was sad to see him curled up in a hospital bed, but it was good to know he would be getting better soon. The doctors wanted to wait a few more months and then take his other kidney out and give him one of my sister's kidneys. 2 hours after they arrived home from the hospital the doctors called to let them know they had made a mistake: Ryan actually had cancer.
I remember my Mom calling and telling me the news, but I don't remember exactly how things went from there. Ryan was admitted to the hospital for a long time, I took time off from work, and I spent many, many hours at the hospital with my sister. During those hours spent together we talked a lot and I started to realize my sister is not the same person she used to be.
When we were growing up I disliked my sister a lot. To me it seemed as if she only wanted to spend time with me if she could get something out of it. She was three years older than me and I wanted to be her friend, but she was only ever cruel to me. Sure we got along sometimes, but it was only on her terms and it was always destructive behavior. She taught me how to sneak out of the house. She taught me how to smoke cigarettes, and convinced me it was cool. I remember the times when she would bestow favor on me. I would hang out in her room, we would flip through magazines, I would feel cool again. And then, BAM, she was cursing at me and telling me to leave her alone.
Her senior year of high school my sister was addicted to crystal meth and a variety of other drugs. I don't know how much she remembers from that year. I remember the forged checks, the calls from the police station, her punching me in the ribs, her pulling my hair, the sketchy boyfriends, and finally - rehab. After that year I didn't want to have anything to do with her. We didn't speak unless we had to and it was always on a surface level.
I never thought I would be someone who has a close relationship with a sister. My oldest sister has 3 kids and we don't have much to talk about. And of course I couldn't stand my other sister most of the time. Yeah, we would go to the beach for a weekend and everything would be okay, but she would inevitably make my mom cry and make me angry and then the weekend would be ruined. I have no idea what really happened in my sister's life her last two years of high school. I think there's a lot of residual pain though and she tends to take that out on our mom.
I didn't worry about the rift between my sister and me because I was so close to my brother. We hung out all the time and we were good, good friends all through high school. I remember coming home from my first year of college to find my brother laying next to me. He was waiting for me to wake up so we could talk, and talk we did, for hours. Then he did two tours of duty in Iraq and got married. We're still close, but not as close as we used to be. He's still my brother, but war changes a person.
I can't really say how my sister and I became so close. It was a very gradual transition from hostile to wanting to hang out. At first I was in it for my nephew, but before too long I wanted to spend time with her too. My sister can be a very thoughtful, kind person, but I was too busy remembering all the bad things to move forward.
I know we took a big step forward in our relationship when my mom called one day and said "They're back in the hospital. She wants you to come." That's all I needed to hear. Despite what we've been through, she's my sister, and when she needs me I will show up for her. Even though she doesn't cry, or whine about anything she has gone through in the past year, I will be there for her. I will go shopping with her, I will fold her laundry, I will bring her meals, I will be greatful to her for picking up dishes for me at Ikea, and I will do my best to enjoy all the time we spend together. Though my nephew is still with us, and doing very, very well, it does a person good to remember we will not have those we love with us forever.