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ten years

Recent posts

anniversary grief during a pandemic

I posted a short piece I wrote in my head when I couldn't sleep last week and when I signed on today I realized ... it was formatted in a really strange way and therefore unreadable. Hopefully it's fixed now! I don't write here as often because as the kids grow my time shrinks and I want to protect their privacy, but I usually come back when I miss Charlotte. As the glow of Easter fades, Mother's Day and her birthday bring the missing to the forefront of my mind. I used to think I had something to say; that the words I shared here were important. They were important for my healing, but I think all of the pages I filled with words really could've been filed down to a few basic sentences. My first baby died. I'll always miss her. The three I am raising don't replace the one who is gone. On May 14th it will be ten years since Charlotte lived and died. With ten being such a big number I thought we would finally do what we've been talking abou

The First Meeting

When life goes sideways, I write. I haven't been sleeping well. On the nights it's hard to fall asleep I tell myself stories. It's how I've coped since I was little and scared of the dark. This weekend Jonathan and I cleaned out old bins full of childhood memories. It reminded me I've always wanted to be a writer. I pulled out picture books I made, certificates I earned, newspapers I contributed to and handwritten notes from teachers about how I was going to be a writer someday because my work was so far above grade level.  When this idea flew into my mind last night while I stared at the ceiling I knew I had to write it down. And now I'm going to share it with you. I wrote this in chunks throughout the day. I handwrote bits at the breakfast table and then carved out two separate computer hours to finish it. It is not grammatically perfect and it likely needs a good edit, but I hope you enjoy it. The First Meeting  Emma tapped her fingers on the sm

it's been a while - but I have something for you!

Hey, hi, hello- I'm still here.  I can't believe I haven't posted since May! Homeschooling two kids while chasing a busy toddler has left me with very little time in my schedule to write. When I was presented with the opportunity to give away a wonderful new Bible from Gateway Press I decided it was a great opportunity to revisit my online world. One of the main reasons I homeschool is so that I can teach my kids from a Biblical Christ-focused point of view. Raising them to know and love Christ is the most important thing, but it's also important for them to see His hand over history, science and all other subjects.  I was excited about a lot of the Fresh Start Bible features - opportunities to study the Bible with clear direction and excellent teaching interspersed throughout - but what really stood out to me was the historical explanations of each book. This last year I've learned how important it is to place the history of our world in a Biblical co

year nine

It is 5 days post Charlotte's birthday. I haven't had a moment to sit down and write before now. I'm not even sure I wanted to. But this is the space where I did most of my grieving so it feels odd to let Charlotte's birthday pass without some mention.  I was doing SO well - flying high the week before her birthday, feeling like I was doing GREAT. Even the day of wasn't so bad. I didn't even cry. Not on Mother's Day, not on the day after, not on her birthday, the 14th. That was a first. Then the 15th came and I deflated. I have wanted to spend the last five days flat on the floor with zero interactions or disruptions. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't understand why I have to feed the kids three meals and two snacks every day. Basic tasks feel insurmountable. This morning before church I stretched out on the bed after breakfast even though I knew it was a bad idea. Get up, I implored. Get up, get dressed

bad attitudes and sibling squabbles

It's 9:45 on Friday morning and the house is QUIET. Harper is napping, the others are out of the house ... I'm basically alone! One of the biggest homeschooling challenges for me is the constant presence of people. Quiet time to myself is rare, but being an introvert I crave space and quiet. I was going to sit and read, but I'm having a terrible time finding a book with content I feel comfortable reading. New fiction is often chock full of things I don't want in my brain. I read a lot of non-fiction, but I can't read just non-fiction because that wears my brain out. I need to start on my get out and walk goal today. The weather has been so horrible - we have pockets of flooding around town because the skies have been weeping endlessly - but being from here I was born to walk in the rain and not mind. That's the general mindset at least. I'm more of a whiner. And I hate feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable. The weather is wearing on everyone. The

5 things I want to do

A friend snapped a photo of me talking to Harper during swim lessons today. She sent it to me with an uplifting message about how I'm a great mom. I was like, that's so sweet! But I don't love my hair and profile shots are the worst and I hope no one sees it ... And then I shared it on Instagram. Because if people look at me and see how much I love my children that's a good great thing. I read through Girl, Stop Apologizing (which was so-so) recently and Rachel Hollis talks a lot about goals. When I thought about what I really want to accomplish personally I kept coming back to: spend more time on myself. As I've thought about that more over the last few weeks I've realized there are concrete things I can and want to do for myself. 1. Get my hair cut every 6 weeks. Why do I wait 6 months to get my hair cut? I love having it done! 2. Take care of my skin. I'm in my 30s. I need to find a good skin care regime that's non-toxic a