Little Bird

Charlotte: Little, Tiny, Feminine, Free Ava: Bird (Hebrew, German, Latin, English) Voice (Persian), Life (Latin) Breath of Life (Old English) Sky or Heaven (Akposso) Our sweet little bird.

From In Blackwater Woods Every year everything I have ever learned in my lifetime leads back to this: the fires and the black river of loss whose other side is salvation, whose meaning none of us will ever know. To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.

I've found that getting up, taking a shower, styling my hair and putting my contacts in makes me feel better. I may then crawl back into bed, or spend the entire day on the couch, but at least I don't have unwashed hair scraped back into a ponytail. I spent the day in bed, watching Hotel Babylon on Netflix. I love British television. I wish that hotel existed in real life so I could go to London, move in, and have them take care of me. If I really think about it though, it would be a lot less personal than the fabulous care I'm currently receiving. Thursdays and Fridays are proving to be the hardest days to get through. Thursdays because I was in labor all day and Fridays because Charlotte was born on a beautiful Friday morning. Each Thursday and Friday feels momentous, and then I realize it's only been two weeks and I still have the rest of my life to live without my Charlotte. I'm sleeping without the aid of Ambien now. Or trying to at least. I just had

This afternoon I snapped at a guy who came to the door. I answered because I thought it may be someone dropping off food, or another delivery person with flowers. Instead it was a guy selling something, his shirt said Honeywell and he said something about signs in yards, so it was probably home security systems. He started talking and all I could think was, “I really want to tell you to go away because my baby just died. I want to say that and make you feel bad for knocking on my door.” Instead I interrupted his spiel with, “We’re not interested, thank you.” “Not interested in what?” he responded, but I had already closed the door. “Not interested in whatever you’re selling,” I muttered as I shuffled back to my spot on the couch. Maybe I should put a sign on the door: Warning! Grumpy, tearful, angry, grieving person inside. No solicitations unless you have food.

This morning I decided it was time for me to venture outside. I have a box of books from the bookstore, plus scores of books on my shelves I haven't read, but I decided I wanted to go to the library. (I'm glad I live in Oregon. Even though it is the end of May it is overcast and rainy today. I'm not sure I can handle sunshine right now. Usually I can't wait for the rainy season to end, but this year I may be okay with it extending through June). We were gone less than an hour, but that was definitely the limit of what I can handle right now. It was more difficult than I thought it would be to find books to read. First off, I've read so many books it's hard to find something I haven't read already. This is especially true because I worked at the bookstore for so long and most of the new books available at the library I read as advance copies six or more months ago. Add in the fact that every other book has a baby, or someone wanting, or not wanting,

One week ago I was in labor and so excited. Soon, soon I would get to meet my little girl. Now I find myself on my estimated due date lying in bed and crying my eyes out. I have hard days and easy days - moments of laughter followed by moments of tears. I had a bad moment last night. I woke up, realized I wasn't pregnant, rolled over to see the baby in the co-sleeper and suddenly understood she wasn't there and would never be there. I spent a long time talking to Patricia last night trying to process what happened. I asked her question after question and she answered each one as best as she could. The hardest thing for everyone is the lack of answers. We got a preliminary report from the county coroner; nothing was wrong with Charlotte structurally. Now we have to wait for blood results and other tests to come back. I am beginning to think we may not get any answers. Often in these situations it's impossible to provide answers. I don't regret going

At this point I don't feel like I can write out my entire birth experience, but I will say it was a good one despite what happened at the end. Our little girl, Charlotte Ava, was born on 5/14 at 10:10 am. She left to be with Jesus at 11:47 am. These past few days have been hard ones, but we are surrounded by loving and compassionate people. I don't know what I would do without my midwives. They've loved and pampered me so much & I know their kindness is helping me heal. The physical discomfort from the birth has almost abated entirely, but my milk came in today and so far it's been a painful experience. I've been taking a lot of herbs to suppress the milk & I'm hoping the process of drying up the supply won't take very long. I thought today was going to be the hardest day because a lot of people warned me it would. I prayed for peace and calm for today and I am so glad God answered that prayer. I cried some this morning, but for most of t

I'm 38 weeks, 6 days & I am ready to meet my little girl. I've been staying busy, maybe even too busy, but I'm getting tired of waiting. When I went in for my weekly appointment Monday my midwife noticed I was having contractions. I couldn't feel them, but she definitely could. I've been having Braxton Hicks on and off, but nothing painful. Despite all this she will probably decide to make a late appearance. She has until May 31st; I really don't want a June baby. I have no reason other than I found out I was pregnant last August and that just seems like a long time to be pregnant. Today I spent time with a friend who delivered at Bella Vie a month ago. Every time we get together she tells me more about her experience there and I can't wait for it to be my turn. I still haven't fully accepted that I'm going to have a baby, even though I've been carrying one for nine months, but once she's here I'm sure it will set in. I had