Little Bird

My heart is heavy tonight. If I tried to work through everything I'm feeling this post would make little sense. Pregnancy announcements have been flooding in.  I've been thinking about those who aren't, but wish to be.  Honestly, I don't know what to say, how to comfort. What if my words come across as insensitive?  I want to say I'm sorry, but we as a group don't always take kindly to those words.  Sorry doesn't change a thing and if I could I would change so much. The sermon at church today left me speechless.  This has been happening every week so perhaps I should start expecting it.  The pastor preached on suffering and at the beginning of the sermon he said that some people don't really know suffering whereas others have suffered greatly.  Then he said something about those who go to the hospital expecting to bring a baby home and leave with empty arms and grief.  Whew.  Yep.  Been there.  I am there, still.  I leave church every Sunday feelin

This overwhelming question came up today: What do we do if this baby dies? Oh, dear. Do I plan for death or hope for life? I want to hope for life, but if I don't plan for death I'll fall flat on my face like I did when Charlotte died, which was unpleasant to say the least.  We would know what to do this time, the steps to follow, the questions to ask, but that knowledge doesn't bring reassurance.   People say things about odds, about slim chances, and not very likely that that will happen again.  Well, once you've been on the wrong side of the odds, once you become the one out of millions the idea of good odds and not likely means squat. We have agreed that we won't try again if we have another full term loss.  Full term loss, I love that term.  Or neonatal loss, which is what I have to write down on every single medical form for the rest of my life.  # of pregnancies ____ # of living children ____ Cause of death ____  ...... I hate medical forms now.

I spent time with my nephew and sister yesterday.  My sister is almost 36 weeks (I think) and doing well.  She is off bed rest, moving around, and hasn't been having contractions!  Baby was just over 6 lbs at her last appointment so if she needs to spend time in the NICU she is going to be the BIG baby of the pack. My nephew is cautious about his sister coming home.  Dear boy has had his view of life and death change with Charlotte's death.  My sister said he tells people that baby may not come home, that you have to wait until it's born to see if it lives.  He has an imaginary friend that lives in his bathroom.  When he goes inside he often leaves the door open, or doesn't shut it all the way, and I can hear him jabbering away in there.  It's fascinating how the innocence of an imaginary friend can co-exist with the notion that babies die in one little mind.   I am seven weeks today and sicker than sick.  I've resorted to taking colchicum (my anti-nausea ti

50 comments on my last post.  I. Am. Astonished. I've read the comments again and again, my heart full and a smile on my face.  I so appreciate the kind words and acknowledgment that I now hold two precious souls in my heart.  I'm just so grateful for this LIFE, for a second chance, for the opportunity to try again and to have you all encouraging me makes a bittersweet time a little more sweet than bitter. I was glad to be pregnant with Charlotte, but the gratefulness did not overwhelm my heart like it does with this baby. Every night I think God for another day with this rainbow, this bright burst of life. When I step outside for a walk, or enter the library, church, the grocery store I talk to the baby in my mind. “ This is a tree, this is grass, this is a book, these are cupcakes, mama likes cupcakes, this is Aquafit, this is where we will come for mama/baby swim classes, this is life, this is air, this is rain and sun. I hope you see these things with your own eyes o

****POSSIBLE TRIGGERS**** (I don't know who to attribute this to, but this is the definition of a rainbow baby that is floating around the Internet:  "Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.) I'm pregnant with my rainbow!!!! Baby is 6 weeks, 3 days!! I know some of you are shaking your fist at the screen and pulling out a bottle of wine. I'm sorry, I hope you get your BFP soon.  If you can't read here anymore I understand, but I will miss you. I know a lot of mamas decide to begin a second blog for their rainbow, but it's simply

It's 11:00 and I'm still in bed in my pajamas.  I haven't had a day like this in a long time, but it's cold, I don't feel well, and I need rest.  I am feeling better, but I'm still not as healthy as I was a couple months ago.  I'm on the medication I was on before plus everything Dr. B had me taking before my levels went sideways.  I had a blood test last week and the results came in a few days ago.  My levels are still high, but they're coming down, so progress is happening. This morning I've been thinking about how lucky I am to have the marriage I do. It hasn't always been easy, we've hit a few rough spots, but eight months after Charlotte died I feel like we're closer than we've ever been before.  Had she lived I don't know if I would take the time to tell J how much I love and appreciate him every day.  I feel very blessed to be in a relationship with someone who shares the same values and ideals as me.  We've come a lo

I don't know what I did at Aquafit this morning, but I'm walking like I traveled by horse from Portland to Seattle. ** Thank you for the delightful comments on my church post.  I was afraid to post it, but you dear readers were so kind to me.  And a big thank you to the readers who have introduced themselves recently.  I love e-mails and comments from known and unknown readers. ** I've been feeling quite well lately.  Not too sad, almost happy.  Well, actually, I think I've tipped over to happy a time or two recently.  Not now, not tonight.  I tend to work myself up about things I don't need to work myself up about.  It drives J crazy.  He greatly dislikes that about me.  That and the fact that I drop the toilet paper roll on the nearest surface instead of snapping it into the holder.  In our bathroom the holder IS the nearest surface as two people who are not good friends cannot occupy our bathroom at once so I'm not sure why replacing it is so difficul

I have been blessed with the Stylish Blogger Award from two sweet mamas! Thank you Jessica at Too Beautiful for Earth and Ava's mama (I am ashamed to admit I don't know her name) at Beautiful Songbird . Here are the rules: 1. Thank and link back to the person who presented you with this award 2. Share 7 things about yourself 3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers 4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award! I have to confess: I don't have the energy to pass this award on.  My brain cannot come up with seven things my readers don't know about me, (perhaps I should share less) and linking to fifteen blogs and then commenting on those blogs about the award is daunting for me right now. Please forgive me. I don't want to seem ungrateful, or be a bad blogger, but I need to conserve my energy and alter my focus a bit.     I'm feeling better, but I'm still not as healthy as I was a few months ago and I've been focusing my eff

We went to church this morning.  It's been a while, but we're trying to make the effort to attend every week.  It's been eight months.  It feels like it's time to resume at least one of the normal routines we had before Charlotte died. I know many of you don't believe what I believe.  I know a lot of my readers won't finish this post because it makes them uncomfortable.  I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, but there are moments when I just have to share my heart and beliefs. (Sometimes it is difficult for me to balance my faith with what I write here.  I want readers to know I am a Christian, but I don't want to scream it in anyone's face). The message was fabulous even though our pastor had a 103 degree temp.  I would've passed out, but he delivered a wonderful sermon.  At the end of the service we sang How Deep the Father's Love For Us.   I don't always pay attention to the lyrics of hymns because I've been singing them f

Charlotte, I pulled the 2010 calendar off the wall this morning.  I hate this calendar.  I left it up long after the new year had come because I couldn't stand pulling it off the wall.  This calendar has prenatal appointments, birthing classes, the phone number for the midwife who taught our birthing classes scribbled at the bottom of April, and "Baby due!" written across May 20th although your due date was probably later.  You were so small, full term, but so, so small dear girl, and I think somewhere along the way dates were confused, days dropped, you lost your way, and either stopped growing, or grew incorrectly. It's been thirty-two weeks since you died.  In seven weeks it will be thirty-nine weeks and you will be dead longer than you were alive.  I don't understand how that is possible, how you could live and die in such a short span.  You lived less than a year.  I feel cheated, stolen from even.  Life is very, very unfair. Love couldn't tether yo

I am finally feeling better.  I am on medication + tinctures and that seems to be the necessary combination for now. Tomorrow is eight months.  Whew.  That number feels huge, almost insurmountable.  If tomorrow is eight months, next month is nine, and that is a whole lot of months, days, hours, seconds I have lived without my heart. Both sets of grandparents gave me wrapped gifts to open on the 14th.  I want to open them now.  I've wanted to open them since I've had them in my possession.  I really need to develop patience. I haven't been writing here as much.  I don't have many words these days, which is pretty unusual for me.  I'm feeling a little lost, a bit overwhelmed too. I'm mopey and sad.  I've been skipping Aquafit because I haven't been feeling well, but I need to get back in the pool.  Floating in the water greatly improves my mood.  The last time I went I was floating in the deep end with my head resting on my arms which were folded

Blah ... That's all I can come up with these days. There's a lot happening. Life feels heavy. January is always a hard month for me. Six years since the doctor said, "You have Graves Disease ..." I have bigger anniversaries to mourn now, but this one haunts me too. This is helping: Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me This too:

We've decided not to buy the house.  We're quite content here, even though the bathroom is tiny , and the house we were looking at was in shambles.  It feels like a good decision, the right one for where we are.  While talking about the house, the repairs needed, the money and time we would have to invest, I realized we still aren't doing all that well.  We're functioning, but a project like that would prove too much for us at this time.  It hasn't even been a year ... we're still picking up the pieces, I suppose. On Thursday J went to the prison to see patients.  His ultrasound machine is portable, it's a modified laptop, and he didn't have time to drop it off at the hospital so he brought it home.  I asked him to scan me, see if he could find a baby even though his machine is not meant for that, he wasn't trained to do it, and the only babies he's been able to find are late second and third trimester ones. I find ultrasound fascinating.  It

I've been on a documentary kick.  There are tons of documentaries available via Netflix instant watch and I've watched everything from Manhattan parents battling the ups and downs of the admittance process to private preschools ($9,000 - $20,000 a year for a three-year-old? I don't think so) to a millionaire heroin addict attempting to break his habit with a trip to Mexico and a few doses of an experimental drug. Last night I watched A Walk to Beautiful  which follows three Ethiopian women seeking treatment for fistulas after childbirth.  All three lost their children while in labor, all were not allowed to see the baby after birth, and all were ostracized from their families and villages.  Can you imagine living through the loss of your child, suffering through physically after, and then being shunned for those very reasons?  The movie was filmed in 2007 so this is a current and ongoing problem.  Bless the doctors, surgeons, and nurses who work at the fistula hospital in

I can't sleep ...  I always suffer from insomnia when my thyroid flares up. The framed picture from the wonderful C was waiting for us when we went over for dinner and games tonight.  It is so incredible, a picture simply cannot do it justice.  Especially since I took the picture at this time of night. Sweet Ascension I just have to share this too ...   This is my Charlotte bear from the wonderful Bridget who remembers her daughter with Molly Bears .  The bear is weighted, so it's 5 lbs, 7 oz, just like our sweet girl.  I'm a bit embarrassed by how much comfort I receive from it ... it's just wonderful to hug it close and remember holding her.  And the bird detail is fabulous, so sweet.   A few days ago I reached the absolute bottom in regards to my illness.  When I'm this sick life seems very bleak, the smallest task insurmountable.  I have a lot of hormonal/emotional things happening here so I'm a mess most of the time.  Add in my love for drama and

I'm still not well.  I'm far from well actually, but I have another acupuncture appointment today, followed by a long appointment with Dr. B next week so hopefully my body will sort itself out soon.  I am VERY late, hoping that situation will right itself soon too.  Half of me wants to take one more test, just in case, the other half is hitting the first half upside the head and repeating the words two negative tests  over and over. Life has been exciting around here.  We found a house we love, but to say we are up in the air about whether or not we should buy another house right now is a grand understatement.  The market has not been kind to sellers lately and while we may be able to hold two mortgages that seems like an awful lot of pressure and not something the bank is likely to approve.  This house is our feasible dream house, a wonderful home that we can afford.  The situation is messy, the home has been foreclosed, but the price is beautiful and it's about 1/3 of

I feel as if I should write about how renewed and refreshed I feel on this first day of 2011 but I have to be honest, this is not how I wanted to start my year.  One week late, two negative tests in the trash can.  A thyroid gone sideways which is the probable cause for those negative tests.  I possess little patience, the waiting is making me crazy, and as each day passes the next cycle, and the next, and the next get pushed further back and my odds of having a baby in 2011 are dwindling by the moment. Initially I was going to sign on and write The Creme de la Creme is up - Yay!, but I got a bit distracted by the second negative pregnancy test and the frustration that refuses to leave.  I've packed its bags, turned it out and locked the door, but it slips back in, tosses open its suitcases, scatters its things, disrupts my life and refuses to leave.  And it brings friends.  "You''ll never have another baby," is a mean monster and it always tags along with Frus