Little Bird

This post was not in the plans for today, but Bennett is on a nap strike, whimpers and whines unless he is right next to me on the couch.  I think (hope) if I sit here long enough he will sleep.  I want  to clean the house because we are having a bundle of people over Saturday for a cookie decorating party, but Bennett needs  me to help him sleep. So, Isabel. I love her sweet puppy self, but she makes life difficult.  Some days I think I will lose my mind if she barks and wakes Bennett one more time.  Poor dear gets shouted at far more than she is used to, and she gets less walks too.  I had no idea it would be so difficult to manage a dog and a baby.  I feel like I have a toddler who can't communicate, but always wants my attention, as well as a newborn (can I still call Bennett a newborn, or are we past that stage?). If Isabel was better on the leash I could walk her when I head out with Bennett.  When we adopted her from the humane society her intake papers said, "

I put Bennett down on his tummy this morning, stepped out of the room, heard him fussing, so rushed back in and found a confused baby on his back!  He was quite upset by the whole thing, and of course won't do it again so I can capture a video. Yesterday I read a fabulous bit about baby milestones and how useless they really are , but as soon as Bennett rolled I wanted to hop on Google and find out if my baby was rolling early, which would make him a genius, of course. I'm just so proud of him.  I feel like he's the first baby who has ever discovered how to do this.  Silly, I know. Babies are fascinating!  I wonder if he will roll again soon or if he will take a break for a while. Before I start laundry a random question for you smart people: Bennett likes to hold onto something when he is falling asleep, a blanket, my hand, my shirt.  When is it safe to leave him alone with a blanket or lovie?

While reading through a parenting book this weekend - toxic stuff, I tell ya - I realized I have very little confidence as a parent.  I constantly think I'm doing something - everything - wrong.  Honestly, I expect someone, some parenting deity, to swoop down and take Bennett away if I don't do exactly right.  And I think it may tie in to losing Charlotte, to feeling like I did something wrong with her.  Every time I think I put those feelings behind me stuff comes up - you know stuff  - and it makes the doubt come back.  And it comes back stronger because it's fueled by so much hate. I should NOT be sitting here typing this.  I should be readying Bennett and I to head out to get my hair cut, but I would rather sit here and be sad, soak in missing her.  I haven't had much chance to do that since Bennett arrived, and while I think that is a good, healthy thing, I miss the wallowing a bit. The holidays are full of such joy this year, but there's a fair amount of

The holidays are upon us!  I know this because we've had three Thanksgivings and I'm exhausted and yesterday morning J looked at me over a mound of peeled potatoes and said, "Angela, calm your crazy."  There will be much, much more of that kind of talk around here as Christmas approaches. Bennett has a lot of cousins!  They are all fascinated with him. Grandpa can put any baby to sleep, whether you want them to sleep or not. My sister's daughter outgrew this toy so she is letting us borrow it.  Bennett LOVES it.  When he kicks the blue piece the things above his belly spin - very technical description, I know. Mama, it's spinning!! We bought our tree this morning!  We found a great tree farm that allows dogs and with our Groupon it was only $15.00 for our tree (normally $25.00, I love the Northwest). I like the saw in this picture.  Isabel ran and ran and ran and ran and jumped in the creek and ran an

I have two minutes before I need to feed and dress B and scoot out the door. I didn't realize I would be sad today, that the tears would hover close to the surface.  Our second Thanksgiving without her, our second Christmas just around the corner. deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths. My heart is with everyone who is missing someone at their table tonight.  And for those with fresh grief, my heart aches for you.  That first year cuts deeper than one can imagine.

I only have a few minutes, but must ask, how does your baby sleep?  I am going out of my head trying to get Bennett to sleep without being held.  He sleeps wonderfully as long as I am holding him or sleeping next to him, but if I try to put him down he wakes up and cries.  I won't - or maybe it's can't - let him cry it out so when he fusses I either pull him into bed with me or pick him up and begin the process all over again. All day every day we play, he nurses, he falls asleep in arms, I gingerly set him down, he wakes, I pick him up, he falls asleep, I sit with him until he wakes to play or nurse ... At night it take TWO to THREE hours to get him down.  He doesn't cry, thank goodness, but he fights sleep like it's the devil itself. I am shaking my fist at Weissbluth and Sears and all other sleep books.  I'm frustrated, but not tired, because he does sleep well at night as soon as I cave and pull him into bed with me.  J insists he doesn't like the c

I am not going to have time to write this later in the week.  I have twenty pounds of potatoes with my name on them.  Send help please, that is a whole lot of peeling. I think it's a little silly that we celebrate the harvest with pumpkin pie and turkey, but I love that Thanksgiving is a family holiday wherein we appreciate all we have been given. And we have received so many blessings this year. I am thankful for the usual - the house, J's job, food, clothing, family, friends, a loving Savior - but this year I have BIG things to be thankful for: kind caregivers who walked through a very difficult pregnancy with me, new friends (and old) who really, really get me and my particular brand of crazy (these friends are like family and I've learned that such friendships should be cultivated and cherished), a family who patiently waited for me to work through my grief. And then there's Bennett's birth, a terrifying and amazing moment that produced one wonderful

Okay ... So ...  I'm here.  Bennett was dedicated yesterday and I want to share pictures, so here I am.  You all have flooded me with comments, emails, and love.  Thank you. Bennett did not poop for four (!) days so he was required to stay in diaper only until just before church.  He pooped a ton in the morning, made it through the dedication at the end of first service, pooped, was a stinky sleepy boy for the dedication at the end of second service. I am so glad I learned just this week that onesies are designed to go down as opposed to over the head for incidences such as these. My mom has eight grandchildren, she said it's the most amazing blow out she has ever seen.  Hanging with his block while J and I finished readying ourselves.  I bought these sweet booties from Etsy.  I bought a brown pair with red piping too. I was so excited I went a little crazy with the pictures.  We were in the center at the end of second service so it's h

I'm quitting.  I wanted to blog every day, thought it would be good for my creative brain but this is not the month for it.  I'm hurting, really hurting.  My pride is bruised.  I don't like being called foolish, brainwashed, manipulated. Last night I said to J, "The Bible says 'love thine enemies,' but it should say 'love thine enemies even when they call you stupid.'"  I need that codicil.  I don't feel much compassion right now, even though I know the comments and negativity come from a place of deep emotional pain. I ache for my midwife.  She hurts for me.  I want people to understand our relationship, the friendships she builds with her clients, but I can't because hearts and minds are closed.  I need to stop beating my head against the proverbial wall. I feel guilty and ashamed for sharing Charlotte's story.  I know this blog has helped others, and it's been a large component of my healing, but now it's causing pain.  

These are trying times.  I want to hide, pretend I've never heard the word midwife, but that would be unfair, unkind.  Thank you for helping me be brave in the face of all that is happening. I want to talk, write, think about something happy so here's an update on what we're reading. Bennett  The boy goes crazy when I put books in his lap.  Bennett likes this book because it has slide out pages.  Recently he's learned how to track movement like that with his eyes.  I like it because it's large, with simple illustrations, and a few odd animals such as the xenops, which is a bird that belongs in the ovenbird family.  Thanks Wikipedia.  This is our number one book right now.  Bennett loves the illustrations.  They're high contrast which makes it easier for him to see them.  I love Nikki McClure, I have a few of her prints around the house.  She's a Northwest artist, lives up in Olympia, Washington.  She takes a single piece of pape

This will be a general update post with lots of pictures but I need to say something else first.  My story and my midwife have been dragged even further into the anti-midwife mess.  When I noticed my stats rising steadily today (over 100 new visitors, usual is 30-40, well over 600 page views, 350-400 is typical) I sought out the source.  Another site has linked her birth story, nasty things are being said.  My heart is hurting, I am so sad, so much grief is rising to the surface. Her rose is still blooming.  I would like to believe she wants me to know she's near during this difficult time. I posted this on Charlotte's birth story today: IF YOU HAVE COME HERE VIA AN ANTI-MIDWIFE OR HOME BIRTH SITE PLEASE KNOW THIS: I MISS MY BABY VERY MUCH, I DO NOT BLAME THE MIDWIVES PRESENT AT HER BIRTH, I HAD A NORMAL PREGNANCY, MY HYPERTHYROIDISM WAS WELL UNDER CONTROL AND MONITORED DURING PREGNANCY.  I WAS ALSO SEEN BY A MATERNAL FETAL MEDICINE DOCTOR.  CHARLOTTE APPEARED PERFE