Little Bird

Okay guys, we need a name change. Those muffins I made on Monday? The ones that are ALL gone on this here Tuesday? Not only do they have 5 billion calories, they also require a person to change their toddler's diaper many, MANY times throughout the day. So we shall call them Fatten the Baby (and clear out the intestines!) Banana Blueberry Muffins. Not recommended for adult consumption. J and I whipped up a batch tonight after B had gone to bed. He does that now. It's strange. I'm waiting for the good times to end. I was out of coconut yogurt so I used applesauce instead. Then J said, "How much pea protein did you add?" "I haven't added it yet because you said we should increase it and I wasn't sure by how much." J then proceeded to dump TWO huge scoops into the batter. He mixed and mixed and mixed and then we taste tested. Honest opinion? YUCK. That "tasteless" pea protein comes with a very nasty aftertaste. I had to eat a whole

Fattening B up is our primary goal and mission right now. We've done away with normal meal times - and normal food, really - and focused on offering food every two hours. I'm not going to force B to eat, but I am trying to be intentional about offering food on a near constant basis. A few days ago I made my first recipe from scratch! I mean, I went in the kitchen, put together some ingredients and created these strange tasting muffins B loves. I can't believe he likes them, but it's a good way to get him to eat avocado, coconut and pea protein so I'm not complaining. B is currently 16.4 lbs. We are down a pound from his December weight, which is not the direction we went to be going in. He was 16.8 lbs prior to that nasty bout of flu.  I'm trying to stay positive and calm. I know we'll figure this out. I know B will be fine. Even though I don't find the muffins tasty I am going to share the recipe because it's my VERY FIRST completely made

I'm probably jinxing things up one side and down the other, but B is sleeping ever so slightly better. We've found the perfect balance and I can only hope it stays this way. He sleeps in his crib for a good long stretch - sometimes til 3, sometimes midnight, I prefer the 3 am hour - then comes in with us. It's perfect because if he were to stay in his crib all night I would miss him. A lot. I need a few solid hours of sleep without B right up next to me, but after that I like having him close. When he wakes I go down and lift him from his crib. B clamps his arms and legs around me so tightly I couldn't put him down if I wanted to. I say, "There, there, come in with Mama and Daddy," carry him upstairs and settle him next to me. B likes to share my pillow. He likes to sleep nose to nose with one little hand tucked behind my head, nestled tight behind my ear. It's amazing how comfort is perceived by little ones. Children don't need much. They're

I went out with friends last night for dinner and pedicures. One of us is very pregnant and close to meeting her baby girl - not me, obviously. You would know if I was 37 weeks pregnant. As we relaxed and enjoyed our kid free time I thought about how there's a hidden layer of calmness I can only access around these friends. With these two I can absolutely, completely let go and not worry about saying something wrong or mentioning Charlotte too much. We've all lost babies. We lost in different circumstances, at different times and at different stages, but we all carry a lost baby - or two, or three - in our hearts, and there's a great whooshing of released tension when we're together. Because we get it. We understand each other. We carry unique burdens but there is a thread of missing and longing that connects and unifies those burdens. If you've lost, you need friends like this. If you've lost, you need friends who understand when you hold their babies an

As I type this my mother is in B's room singing 'Jesus Loves Me' as he drifts off to sleep in his crib. My mom comes every Thursday to help, to hang out, to see B. When she came today she said, "Hey, you know, I don't have anything going tomorrow. I could stay, if you like." I said "Oh my goodness, yes please, stay and take him for the night. Just one night so I can sleep through." Moms are awesome. At 17 months out I should not be begging my mother to stay over so I can sleep through the night, but still, moms are awesome. She stayed every Thursday night the first fourth months of B's life. (I think that's where their deep bond stems from.) So thanks to her I have a minute to sit down, blog and eat chocolate chips. This afternoon B received his first hair cut. I didn't cry! I really thought I would, but I didn't. I was reluctant to have it cut, but J said the mullet had to go, and it really was becoming unmanageable in the back.

Because my brain is anywhere but here. I haven't caught up on blogs in weeks. If something really important has happened in your life, please tell me. I'm behind on everything. My terrible sleeper has now become a truly terrible sleeper. B hasn't napped for FOUR days. Dude is 17 months old, he can't quit naps on me. I'm not ready! And night time is a real ho-hum mess of a deal lately. More so than usual. And yeah, I've been banging on about this for months now - maybe even a year? - but we have medical grade sleep issues here. And I'm pretty sure it's not because I didn't put him down when he napped as a baby. I'm stressed to the nth degree trying to figure out how to sneak avocado and coconut oil in every single dish. I'm making weird muffins from scratch in an attempt to fatten the kiddo up.  I dream about weigh-ins at the doctor. I fret over every. single. bite. But I don't want B to pick up my stress so I pretend like food is n

We have a lot of books, and I keep buying more, and we go to the library once a week, but these are the ones B wants to read over and over right now: What does your little one love to read?

You say yes, you'll go, because there's no twitch in your heart telling you otherwise. You do okay. You smile. You participate in the games. You bring an appropriate gift. You manage. You leave when it's polite to do so. You drive to the grocery store to pick up a few things on the way home, tears streaming down your face. Because you're angry. Because you wish it didn't hurt so much nearly three years out. Because you wonder, as you often do, why your baby wasn't safely delivered. You wipe your face. Buy your groceries. The clerk asks if you've done anything fun with your day. You say no. She is chatty and you don't want to start a conversation about babies. The person in front of you narrowly escaped. You drive home, unload the groceries, change into pajamas. You eat frozen mac n' cheese because you're sad and it will make you feel (temporarily) better.  You squeeze your seventeen month old tight. You inhale his very presence. You count your b

Oh guys, I have tips for you. Let me tell you where I went wrong on our recent trip, so you don't find yourself searching for things like those little disposable diaper bags, which apparently don't exist on Maui. We ended up using Ziploc bags the entire trip. * Check if your condo has air conditioning. I assumed ours would. I was wrong. I brought blankets (two warm ones) and two pairs of light-ish pajamas. B slept in a onesie every night and he never used the blankets. * Pack 15 onesies, 1 nice shirt, 1 pair of light weight pants, 1 pair of jeans, 1 pair of sweat pants (perfect for our flight home) 5 pairs of shorts, 2 rash guard shirts, 2-3 swim trunks, 1 zip up sweatshirt, 1 light rain jacket. Okay, maybe you don't need 15 onesies, but you do need a pretty good stack. Our condo had a washer/dryer unit, which saved my bacon. I brought a stack of shirts for B to wear, but it was so warm he wore a onesie and shorts most days. * Bring one or two Aden and Anais

I have nothing to say. I'm just ... empty. And very tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep right now. B's sleep problems - continual and many - are not helping matters. I'm going to write a parenting book. It will say:  Babies, toddlers, kids in general will not behave as you expect or hope them to. Love them anyway. Drink and consume copious amounts of chocolate when you must. Breathe. Pray. Do your best. My best is so-so right now, but the chocolate eating I excel at. While nursing B before his nap - which, incidentally, never did happen - I skimmed the alumni magazine from my alma mater. The main article was about "young alumni on the rise." I immediately felt a little sick because I always thought maybe I would do something with myself after university. I spent my morning cleaning house and berating J until he tided his side of the bedroom. I think that lands me squarely in the "not so young," and "definitely not on the rise" aren

Bennett is on the mend! It's a slow heal, but he is feeling better. He will play on the floor for a few minutes at a time, then it's back to mama's lap for milk, or books, or sleeping. When this is all over I have no idea how I am going to convince B he doesn't need to nurse every two hours anymore. He thinks it's wonderful and should continue for a good long while. I am so tired. The nights are still pretty rough because B has a bad cough which wakes him up/keeps him up. Remember how we were going to insist on crib sleeping only after our Hawaii vacation? Let's all take a moment to laugh at us for thinking we would actually accomplish that. I've spent the past week with a feverish forehead pressed against my head all night. One particularly fun night I woke up just in time to flip B off me and onto a towel before he threw up. We used homeopathic medicine throughout this illness and we consulted with our naturopath as well as our pediatrician. It was ni

That's where I go during times like this. Moments when B is ill and I'm exhausted. Down that PTSD rabbit hole where babies get sick and don't recover. Where every simple illness is death in disguise. J takes it in stride while I fret and try not to cry. The doctor said he's okay. We are to continue on the course set forth by the naturopath. Keep him hydrated, keep him comfortable, breastfeed. When we arrived home and he threw up less than two minutes after nursing I nearly called the doctor in a panic.  I feel so ill equipped in situations like this. I want another adult present at all times because I don't feel capable. I can't believe I'm mama and therefore I'm supposed to know what to do. And apparently crying in the corner until J comes home is not a recommended course. B has dropped to 16.8 lbs. He was 17.5 lbs in December. 17.1 on Thursday. The doctor we saw today - B's pediatrician - said she's glad we're working with a naturop

Oh my good gravy mercy me we're all sick. B is on day 4, I'm really starting to worry about him. He just wants to nurse all the time, but I don't feel like there's much milk. I am glad he is still nursing as he won't accept enough fluid any other way. What kid doesn't like popsicles and juice? Seriously B, you are missing out on the good stuff. It's misery village over here but at least we have a warm house with plenty of clean water. When I get all woe is me I try to remember how blessed we are. Yes we have the flu but we also have access to medical care and the luxurious choice of trying homeopathic medicine first. Hopefully we'll all feel better soon. B is going to earn himself a second trip to the doctor if he doesn't perk up in a day or two. Have you been hit with the flu this season?

Zip lining - 8 line course A few more shots from our hike: Bamboo forest Glass bottom boat/snorkel trip. It rained, it was a bust, kind-of. Wouldn't do it again. Like Oregon, only warm Whale! Keeping B safe on the boat was a little stressful B and the moon That's it! Thanks for enduring.

Oh my mercy me, B is so  sick. Fever, vomiting, double ear infection. Hopefully he feels better soon. I hoped he would wake up feeling better this morning, but that was not the case. B did ask for food and water this morning, but it didn't stay down very long. He's on a bread and breast milk diet, yummy. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. The house is a mess, the laundry is out of control and J will be gone most of the weekend. B is miserable and I just want to make it better. We had an appointment scheduled with the naturopath yesterday morning. I'm glad we kept it even though B wasn't feeling well because they were able to catch the ear infection early on. It was a hard appointment, with words like underweight tossed out. B has lost a little bit of weight recently, which is not good. Once he's healed we're going to focus on increasing his fat intake to see if that helps. Like I said, a little overwhelmed here, and ready for better days. On the brigh

I was shopping at Target on Saturday when I spotted a mug on the clearance shelf. It was a sweet little mug with a bird on each side. I bought it because it reminded me of Charlotte. I don't often find things that remind me of Charlotte, but I fell in love with that mug. When I arrived home I had a message from a friend who makes beautiful jewelry. She wanted to know if it would be okay to make a necklace in honor of Charlotte and sell it in her Etsy shop, The Jovi Lyne Collection . $10 from each necklace would go to a baby loss charity of my choice (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) AND I would be gifted a necklace. It was one of those strange moments when I swear Charlotte is near. When I can sense her darting past me, a shadow with breath. If I could just make the world slow down for a second I would see her. The mug, the necklace, little items that coalesced into one big Charlotte day. Honestly, truly, I don't think of her as often as I used to. We're