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Showing posts from July, 2013


I'm reading this book, Far From the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search For Identity , and oh my goodness it is making my brain hurt. It's a good hurt, I need to read things like this every now and again. I've been reading far too many "beach reads" since Charlotte died, which is all I could handle for a while, but beach reads don't make me think about ethics, politics, religion and my personal/emotional response. This book is so good, and so dense, I would actually like to take a class on it. But it's got me thinking about love and sacrifice and parenting. About how a person thinks, "I could never handle  that ," but then your own that comes along and while it knocks you sideways and renders you broken and speechless you survive it. You come out the other side. And of course you're changed - irrevocably altered really - but even the most tumultuous change contains goodness. In  Far From the Tree  Andrew Solomon writes,  "The


I ate dinner, then had ice cream, but if J calls me on the way home from his boy time (he took Bennett too!! THANK YOU!!) I will come up with something I want. ( Tacos , cheeseburger and fries , cinnamon roll!) If I clear all ice cream eating evidence before J gets home (unlikely, I'm really comfortable right now) I will have another bowl later. No witnesses means bowl #1 doesn't count. On hard days I quit parenting at 4:15 (J is off at 4:00). I sit on the couch, put my feet up and scroll instagram while Bennett runs wild. Most of the time this is okay, but there are days when I hear giggling from the kitchen and by the time I get myself in there to investigate B boy has had a long thirty second slow dance  with a knife . I hate laundry. It is my arch nemesis (I'm such a housewife, but not a very good one). When friends give me hand me downs that include whites I want to smack them. Then ask how they manage it. Bennett's clothes almost always reach a point where

remembering with you

I received an email asking what can be done to mark the anniversary of a little one gone too soon. I have a few ideas, things that have been done in memory of Charlotte that we appreciated, but I thought I would seek more answers and ideas. Most of what people do is simple, but any gesture matters because we are so worried people will forget. What have friends and family done in memory of your little one?

it's been a while

Time for a little now and then: July 2012 *little bit ashamed to admit he still wears those rocket pajama shorts #smallbutmighty* July 2013 Can you believe he's almost 2?! Remember when he was born? That was a rough pregnancy wasn't it? Some of you have "known" B his entire life. Have I really been blogging that long?! Hard to believe his sister (still nameless!) will be here a few weeks after his second birthday. But before all of that can happen I have to have my  birthday. I'll be 30 in two weeks!! Why do I still feel 24? 

I'm back! {and a little bit tired}

What a weekend! Bennett is so overdone he is falling to pieces. We spent four days at a family reunion and the overtired darling  is having a spectacular meltdown as I type this. I guess going to bed at 11 pm and waking at 7:30 am will eventually catch up with a little person. I can now say I've successfully planned a family reunion for 30 odd people. My mom and I were reluctant planners, but we had a lot of help and the end result was a lot of fun. We were way out in the hills on a ranch, totally unplugged for 4 days - except the day trip into town where everyone whipped out their smart phones as soon as they could pick up a signal - which was actually really nice. We played games, (including a really fun version of the Amazing Race which involved far too many children and pregnant women to even come close to the real event) splashed in the creek, made cards, let the kids run wild (we didn't shower Bennett until our last night there because he was always too tired a

let's get out of here {oregon garden visit}

Every now and then (once a week) I hit a day that just feels impossible. It becomes imperative for me to get us out of the house so we don't go crazy. B is super active. Kid needs to move and he needs ample room to do it in. We're having a bit of a rocky week as J is back at work and I am gearing up for our big weekend. This morning I tossed the mile long to do list aside and tried to figure out somewhere we could go. Park? Lame. Besides we have a play set in our yard now!! Superbounce? B is too short. Library? We go once - if not twice - a week. I think they're tired of seeing our faces. Then I had an idea: Oregon Garden. I hesitated when I saw the entrance fee, $11.00!?, but B was free to get in so I decided to go. I was going to go by myself (I am feeling very, very solitary this pregnancy. A lot of days I prefer just hanging with B) but decided to see if my mom was up for it since she had one of my nephews for the day. She was! I'm so glad she came sin


I miss Charlotte. As baby clothes pile up in the crib, as I think about painting the nursery a brighter more gender neutral color, as we struggle with deciding on a name (thought we had it, but now we're not sure) and as time flies by - 15 weeks or less left! - I sense the missing. The baby I "lost." The one who, let's be blunt, died. I always say, "I lost my first," but I didn't lose her. I know just where her divided ashes are, but it seems cruel to link the words baby and died. I know I've been writing a lot about pregnancy. I think it's possible, maybe even easy, to look at my life: what I write, what I share on instagram and facebook, how we live, and see a current that has kept moving. And it has, but not entirely. There is still a part of me treading water back in 2010. I'm never going to be able to let go of that place in my life where the river split and instead of floating calmly to the conclusion I expected I thrashed and fought


^^ How's that for a new word? J is off work this week, but he's still working. It's become a family tradition for him to take time off during the summer to hang at home / work on whatever epic summer project he has going. This week he's been working on the swing set we received from friends: putting it back together, cleaning and staining it, but we've crammed in lots of family time as well. I have to say, I got myself a good one. J's not perfect - if I have to pick up one more pair of socks from a totally random place in the house because he "got hot" ... - but he is a really, really good husband and father. I have loved watching him with B this week. J and B are buddies who like to work on projects together. They have a really special bond, but I think this girl is going to melt his heart in a completely different way. From the beginning J has been involved and present in B's life. When he was born J was right there, catchi

our story/part 3

I wasn't going to share another piece so soon, but tonight is a break the rules that don't really exist kind of night. If you want to read the other bits I've shared you can find them here: Part One Part Two ****** I sat in the passenger seat of our car holding Charlotte's urn. The back was stuffed with mementos of her, including a large piece of art from a friend which I had wanted to leave at home, but Jonathan insisted on bringing it and I wasn't going to say no to his only request. I felt sick to my stomach. I peered over my belly, a five month bump growing bigger every day, to the floor to make sure the notebook with the words I wished to say was tucked inside my purse. I shifted back and forth on my seat. “Do you think anyone will come? I mean, I know people have said they will come, but do you think they actually will?” I asked Jonathan. “It is a fairly depressing event. A first birthday party for someone who can't be there. A qua

on embracing a little chaos

This pregnancy is hard. It is by far my most difficult physically. I hurt all. the. time. I can't keep up with everything because I'm tired and just want to put my feet up. Something is always left undone, which doesn't seem to bother anyone but me. This pregnancy is different than my last two in that I have a toddler to chase around. Yesterday we went to three grocery stores (side note: how will I manage that with TWO?) and it went fairly quickly but by the time we arrived home I was tired and cramping a little. I unloaded the groceries onto the porch, let Bennett out of the car and reached in to grab his diaper bag. By the time I stood up he was gone, tearing down the street for our neighbor's house yelling the name of his little friend who was standing outside. Thankfully he headed straight there so I didn't have to chase him too quickly, but nearly every day there is a moment when he gets away from me and I have to sprint after him. I love when J is around be

b's thoughts on fireworks

If you ask B about fireworks this is what he'll tell you: "Bup, the boom!! Wah, wah, wah. Mama mama mama." Translation: J thought it would be fun to show B tame fireworks to celebrate the birth of our nation, but he missed the bit that said "WITH BANG." So, J lit the firework, there was a big boom, B cried, then I comforted him. Overall B had a great time visiting J's parents for the 4th, but he's a little wary of booms now (though he still likes the really far away loud fireworks that make Isabel cower in the laundry room). Eating food at a restaurant!! There's a Burgerville on the way to J's parents house so we stopped for lunch and B got his own hamburger (grass fed!) and a few fries. We would be in so much trouble if we had a Burgerville in town. Hope your 4th was a good one US dwellers! 

the second time

This is my second pregnancy after loss. This is the subsequent, subsequent pregnancy I suppose. Is it easier? I'm not sure. I don't know if I am less anxious or if I simply don't have time to be anxious. I didn't do much of anything during Bennett's pregnancy which led to a lot of sitting and fretting. This time I'm not counting the days or weeks. I lose track of just how far along I am. While going over the calendar with J this evening I said, "Shoot, we're going to have a baby in four months."  Or less.  If this little is born at 38 weeks, like Charlotte, it will be around October 16th. I've been preparing myself for a November baby just in case I go past my due date, but this baby could very well be born mid-October. I don't know if I'm ready. What I do know, that I didn't last time, is what it's like when the baby lives. What it means to parent and raise a beautiful, sweet and sometimes infuriating child. What