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Showing posts from August, 2013

on fear, discouragement and friends

I've been writing and writing and writing lately. Sorry about the absolute cascade of posts, my brain is in overdrive lately. Life feels so hard right now. You know how you enter a season where everything piles up and you feel completely snowed under? And then you sift through the mess and it turns out there's not that much going on, you're just not handling any of it well? I feel like that right now. This pregnancy is really putting me through it. I am in so much pain most days feel endless and I don't sleep much at night so there's little relief there. I'm going to my chiropractor next week (finally!) because when I tell him I feel like my pelvis is breaking in half he'll (fingers crossed) nod wisely and then fix it. I'm feeling so discouraged and disappointed. I know it's the third trimester blah-de-blahs and the PTSD piling up in my head, all trying to be heard as they jump around in there creating pure chaos and fear, but knowing what the

too soon

I was composing a post in my head about enjoying this insane toddler time with Bennett. It was all about slowing down, finding his pace and being okay with it. It was about his need to carry handfuls of toys with him everywhere he goes and how I'm learning to leave five minutes early so we have enough time for him to get everything in the car by himself. It was about appreciating these last weeks with just the two of us. It was about loving and raising a very busy toddler who keeps me exhausted and entertained. This afternoon as I rocked Bennett down for the nap he refused to take I thought of the post I've been composing over the past few days. As I sat on the couch eating lunch and taking a few moments to myself while he knocked on the door of his room and called, "Mama! All done!!" I thought about how important it is to slow down. How popular it is to have "analog weekends" and just be with the people we love. I try to leave my phone at home at least o


I let Bennett misbehave a little at certain stores. Goodwill: Yeah, my kid is standing in the cart yelling for food, what's your point? Target: Sit down, buckle up, behave kiddo. This is a classy joint. Sometimes I tell Bennett I need to do something really fast while he eats. This means I'm sitting on the couch just out of sight reading a few pages of a book or checking my phone. When I feel really unmotivated I open the Baby Center app on my phone. Five minutes on those forums has me throwing my phone down in annoyance and happily folding laundry. And speaking of the Baby Center forum: I find it irritating when everyone is sharing little slip-ups (having a soda, forgetting a prenatal or twelve) and one sanctimonious person says, "I gave everything up when I became pregnant for the health and safety of my baby." That's great, but you're sharing your awesomeness in the wrong place. I am SO irritated all.the.time. I told J everything and everyone annoy

ten weeks of nesting

The slightly crazed clean everything top to bottom phase of this pregnancy is starting. The only problem is my lack of energy and inability to do much before I have to sit on the couch for a few minutes  two hours and recover. The other day I washed the outsides of two kitchen cabinets before giving up. I haven't resumed that project. But I have cleaned out Bennett's closet and washed/sorted clothes for baby girl. While doing that I discovered we have fifteen sleep sacks (give or take a handful) but no diapers. Somehow I completely overlooked the fact that this little one will need diapers. And this afternoon I cleaned and reorganized the front closet while Bennett was napping. One of the things that made me want to buy this house was the great storage. We have closets galore, which is nice since the house is older and the bedroom closets tiny, but that front closet has been more headache than asset. Every few months it gets so messy and crowded I can't find my sho

favorite season

I think it's time for my annual 'is it fall yet?' post. Fall is by far my favorite season and with the weather a little cooler and the skies a bit overcast in the mornings it's on the horizon. We still have to get through September, which is often our hottest month, but maybe we'll have a cooler end to summer this year. I've been complaining about how hot it's been this summer, but it hasn't really been too bad. We've yet to hit 100 or over, I think, though 95 is too close for my liking. We've had a great summer with plenty of trips and outings to keep Bennett happy, but I'm ready for the first fire of the year, warm clothes, boots and hats. I prefer summer clothes to winter clothes and I have some skinny jeans I can't wait to put Bennett in. I also can't wait for the days when I don't have to think about sun hats and sunscreen (sorry about the fair skin Bennett!) when we go for a walk around the neighborhood. I've loo

through the lenses

My computer was out of comission for a few days, which means I didn't blog for a bit. I could've used my phone, or J's computer, but I prefer writing from mine. How's that for particular? I'm in the middle of planning Bennett's second birthday party. I can't believe he's been with us two years. In fact, two years ago tomorrow I was 36 weeks pregnant and  in labor and delivery for a night . I'm trying to hold the perspective I gained from Bennett's birth over the sorrow of Charlotte's. Her birth altered me, but so did his, and as I anticipate a third birth I am using everything I have to hold the lenses created by each experience in place: positive over negative, joy over sorrow, a baby who comes home over a baby who became ashes. All the little moments that make up my life inform what comes next and how I respond, but my prior birth expereiences are the most powerful number in this equation. I haven't been blogging as much partly b

the view from here

We're on our last summer vacation. One more weekend of fun before the weather turns and baby comes. Of course I'm blogging from my phone while J runs B around outside so he doesn't wake everyone else in the house. We've got 8 adults and 7 littles in a big house on the Deschutes River. This area - Sunriver/Bend is one of my favorites. We've been talking about buying a canoe for a long time. When J found one in Bend for a great price we decided to go for it. Yesterday B would not nap even though he was exhausted so we took the boat out. I loved putting the boat in at the marina, floating for an hour (J did all the paddling) then getting out at the place we're staying. What I did not love: at the very end of our trip B fell asleep. I thought we might be able to get him up to the house without waking him. Unfortunately I was sitting offset and when J stepped out on the dock we went over. I have never tipped a canoe before, and I've certainly never done it wit


It's been long enough now I don't know exactly how old you would be. The intense counting and marking of days that pushed me through the first year has dissipated. I no longer notice every 14th that rolls around simply because you were born on a 14th. Although sometimes I find myself crying for no reason in the grocery store parking lot and when I look at my phone I realize it's a 14th. Missing you is so much a part of me it is always present, though most days it is background. It's been 3 years and some months since you were born. You would be old enough to be your own person with a strongly developing personality.  I was going to start you in ballet this fall. I wanted to see if you possessed skills I most definitely lack: rhythm, the ability to find a beat, and the coordination to dance to it. So much time has passed and so many seasons and changes have come and gone I feel a growing gap between us. I watch your brother change and grow. I look at pictures from a

when it's all said and done, just who will you be?

We had the 28 week appointment today followed by an informal hospital tour. We talked about the upcoming ultrasound at 32 weeks to check growth, biophysical profile tests, non-stress tests, pulse ox, and how it's already time to come in every two weeks for appointments. I can't believe I'm far enough along to be thinking about all of this. I like the quick hospital tours with a nurse (Bennett's pregnancy) or midwife (this pregnancy). I have to know where to go and what to expect, but I don't want to join a group of expectant parents. I don't belong in that group. I'm awkward to have around, especially for first time parents. And speaking of not belonging ... I'm part of an online group of naturally minded moms where everyone recently shared pictures of their little ones. That tripped me up for a while. I wasn't sure how to share about Charlotte, but I wasn't comfortable leaving her out. Most of the moms know about the loss so it's not li

for the growing one

Darling girl, you still don't have a name. We'll get there, I promise. I think we have a top three, but your daddy is wavering/on the fence/undecided/can't find the perfect one. Last night I dreamt that I discovered the perfect name. I eagerly texted J at work (who replied right away which is how I knew it was a dream): "I have the perfect name! Sacred Heart!" "That's the hospital where Bennett was born." "I mistyped, I'm so excited. Sacred Hope!" "....." And then I tried to convince him how perfect it was, but I'll spare you that. My brain is really going haywire right now. If I introduce you to "Sacred" eleven weeks from now please gently tell me that names can be legally changed. Since we don't have a name I've been calling her the growing one, which seems to work just fine. Not as cute as the other nicknames we bestowed on our littles (Charlotte was blueberry, Bennett little spark) but


I finally have it set up so I - or anyone - can reply to comments. Oh my word, that took me forever to figure out. Know how I solved the problem? I asked someone else to fix it for me. I was hoping to include a facebook comment box as well, but that, my friends, is never going to happen. I know some don't comment because it's difficult or doesn't work. I tried changing to the Disqus platform for a while, but that didn't work well at all  so we'll just have to stick with this for now. I've contemplating a move to WordPress (as I do every few months) but I don't think it will happen - even though it would make a lot of things easier. How was that for a boring paragraph? I had my gestational diabetes test this morning. I had a 2 hour one, which will soon be the new requirement, but is new enough that everyone was confused as to what I was doing and why. Apparently it's taking too long (as in weeks) to do the 1 hour test, then the 3 hour, then set up nu

that was a fun one

*Thanks for the comments / thoughts on my last post. Now and then I get hit by the 'what am I doing and why??' monster. And then I'm reminded that writing is something I need. When I feel like I'm not connecting it's because I am lost and disappointed. A lot of my discouragement with writing has to do with my hope to be published, but even if that never happens I need this space to process. Thanks for letting me be real.* A few nights ago I had a really bad nightmare. It was so vivid and real it scared me. I could not bring myself out of it even though I could feel myself trying to pull away and wake up. In the dream my baby died, but I don't think it was this baby because I was only 12 weeks along and I kept saying, "At least I have this one," and then pointing to my belly. It was really strange because I knew I was losing a small, early baby (at one point I was sitting in a large pool of water somewhere watching myself bleed, knowing I was losin

in search of direction

I'm in one of those ruts where I don't feel as connected as I would like. I know there are people reading, but I don't know why you're reading. What posts do you like? What topics are you tired of? What brings you back? What brought you here in the first place? I don't blog for money or page views, but knowing what you like still helps. It gives me direction, focus and new things to write about. And I absolutely understand if this sweet face is what keeps you interested. He is a wonder.


My response to turning 30? Eating somewhere around 14,000 calories in a two day period. Yesterday I went shopping and out to lunch with a friend who is due six days after me. We're both having rainbow girls. I bought a lot of clothes for the growing one and a few fall items for Bennett too. We had dinner at the park. J offered to take me out, but I just wanted to hang with my boys and let Bennett play and splash. So we bought sandwiches and hung out at the park for a while and then we went home and I finished off my cheesecake from lunch. "I want a picture with me and Bennett, but I'm not going in there." Birthdays make me so sad now. I've cried today. It's hot. I'm pregnant and emotional. I think it's just hard to be a year older without my Charlotte. Overall it's been a good birthday, but there has been some sadness.

offensive and insensitive {*possible trigger*}

I follow quite a few pro-breastfeeding / natural birth sites on facebook. This is World Breastfeeding Week so a lot of conversation and promotion has been popping up in my news feed. And now there's even some controversy. According to one blog this image was originally posted by a facebook page called "Mama Drama." I have no idea if this statistic is accurate or what facts (if any) it is based off. The blogs and posts I've read focus on how an image like this is not the way to promote a cause, but I instantly thought of all the women who have lost babies. I think breastfeeding is important and I think it's best for babies but I also understand and acknowledge that breastfeeding is not the only answer. And once you've buried a baby things like breastfeeding vs. formula feeding become a lot less important. I think making women feel bad for how they choose to feed their babies is shameful. I'm glad formula exists. I think parents are lucky to have

between here and there

I'm a little bit stuck. I'm in that "Oh hey, I should write something, but I don't have anything to say" head space. I'm grappling with the final weeks of this pregnancy. I'm afraid I've worn out your eyes on this particular subject. The third trimester always puts me in a spin. Wednesday next week I'll be 28 weeks. If this baby comes at 38 weeks (like Charlotte) I have 10 weeks to go. That doesn't feel like very long at all. At 3 this morning I was half awake when Bennett rushed up the stairs and jumped in next to me. His heart was beating so quickly I could feel it against my arm, his breath escaped in gasps and bursts. I patted his back and talked quietly to him until he calmed, then carried him down the stairs, back to his bed. I can't believe he is old enough to come running when he has night terrors. He didn't even cry, he just came to find us. How did I - mother of worry and panic - help this independent spirit grow? I am clin