Little Bird

Six months ago we rented a vacation house with friends. I was pregnant with Ainsleigh. It was August, warm and beautiful. This month we're renting the same house with my family. It's cold and rainy. I love the sound of rain on the roof while dry logs snap loudly in the fireplace. I'm not pregnant. Ainsleigh is sleeping on the couch. Tiny baby on the biggest couch I've seen. It's strange to have someone I hoped for so desperately the last time I was here sleeping a few feet away. This is what I wanted after Charlotte died: living children, a peaceful heart, an intact marriage, happiness. Now the trick is to embrace and enjoy it instead of waiting for it to disappear. There will always be disasters on the horizon. Always. I don't want that inescapable fact to stop me from hearing gratitude in every heartbeat and finding faith in every breath of those I love.

Ainsleigh will be FIVE months old in a week. I'm writing this post now because it's 6:30 am, she's happy playing on the floor, and I may not have time to write it next week. Ainsleigh is busy and curious - as are all babies. Her favorite toy is the baby wipes package because it crinkles loudly. She loves her monkey too. Ainsleigh is in love with Bennett. He makes her laugh and laugh and laugh, just by being Bennett. He doesn't even have to do anything whereas I have to play three thousand rounds of peek-a-boo with her before she will laugh. Ains loves to use her voice to make her wishes known (she YELLS a lot) and she just learned how to blow raspberries. Ainsleigh is trying to sit up, and scoot, but I told her she's not allowed to do either of those yet. She is a master at rolling over, and she prefers spending time on her stomach. Ainsleigh loves to be held. I used the stroller for Bennett a lot, we went on many long walks, but Ainsleigh often cries in the

I want to write one thousand posts, but I only have time for one. I am trying really hard to put all of me into my family. I am trying to use my spare time to read devotions, kiss my babies, prepare to spend time with Bennett, and connect with J. I'm trying to be more present, because I have done a lot of checking out over the last few years. These intense years will be gone in such a short time. I want to pour everything I can into my family. I want my kids to remember me and my face, not me and my phone (though they get plenty of that!). I want to cover them with love and point them to Jesus. I want them to know they are important and that when they speak I am listening. Bennett is bright, and vivacious, and can you believe he's already well on his way to three?! Ainsleigh is busy, curious, exhausting, and an absolute delight. We're learning how to work with her hearing loss and beginning the journey of amplification and early intervention. Most of the time I am fi

I didn't hear the sermon at church on Sunday. I was in the cry room with Ains. I meant to feed her before church, but I was slow, and sleep deprived, and didn't get it done. There is a television in the cry room so the sermon can be viewed, but I still didn't hear it. The cry room at our church has been a place where I have felt both welcomed and shunned. I could write three thousand words on that room, but this is one of the (few) topics I can't write about. There's about three thousand reasons for that. One is that I don't want to write something that can be misconstrued. So let me set this post up by letting you know that small room in our big church is a complicated place for me. And for those of you who don't know what a cry room is, it's a small room for parents who don't put their little ones in nursery. It is not meant for just anyone who is crying. Although I have often thought it would be nice to have a cry room in various public place

We completed our first week of tot school yesterday. ( I'm using the term school very loosely here, Bennett is only 2.5!) Bennett asks for projects every day so I wanted to start having school time set aside three mornings a week to encourage me to foster his desire to learn. I like the tot school curriculum because it's all about learning through play. Bennett LOVES school time. I have everything in a bin in Bennett's closet so I can easily pull things out and set up on the dining room table without having things out all the time. I also have a binder with each week in a separate sheet protector (right now I only have A, B, and C printed out). Before starting tot school I went around the house and found items I could use - alphabet puzzles, foam letters, alphabet cards etc. and put them in ziploc bags in the bin. When we have school time I select something from the bin and get it out so he can have free play with something he doesn't play with everyday at the

Ideas for posts come to me all the time: when I am cooking dinner, changing diapers, looking for clothes for the kids (I really need to catch up on the laundry). The ideas pile up in my brain, but when evening (finally) rolls around I always turn to something else. I am deep in the trenches of parenthood here. I know I only have two at home, and I know how blessed I am to have them, but I am exhausted. At church on Sunday I watched a mama in the cry room. She had five children with her, many of them young. As I observed her all I could think was, "She has two more. TWO! How in the world does she do it?! I spend a lot of my day with Ainsleigh in the Ergo. She has finally settled in and likes being worn, but most days I wish for one crib nap - that lasts longer than ten minutes - so I can have a little break. Although the way Ains looks at me when waking from an Ergo nap is pretty wonderful. At night Ainsleigh sleeps with us, and at some point during the night Bennett co