Little Bird

The grief, the grief. It's different now, but I can feel it pressing in at the base of my neck, trying to find a way to my spine where it will wind itself tightly so I can't stand, so that it literally reduces me. It's all too much right now. Everything makes me sad. The thoughtless words at Thanksgiving. The place setting I didn't get to make. The name I didn't get to type. Realizing that a baby dies three pages into the book I just picked up. Really? Must babies die in books? Isn't it enough that they die in real life? Preparing our first Advent. Writing, "pick a gift for a toy drive in memory of Charlotte" as an Advent activity. Placing two tiny dairy free chocolates in every little box, tucked inside the daily verse. During this time of year I turn to her again and again, but she's never where I expect her to be. There is space next to the tree, there is space at the table, there is space in every Christmas card, and I waste

I've been off all thyroid medication for five months!  No supplements. No tinctures. No traditional medication. My hormones and I battled it out and I won! For now. Last night J asked me, "Do you think diet plays into your ability to be off medication?" Um .... YES. Definitely. Our diets have changed a lot since we were college students, which is when I was first diagnosed. Some of that is thanks to Bennett, but some of it is choices we've made about where our food comes from and what we eat. Here's a short list of what (I think) worked for me: - Grass fed beef / butter / milk (we don't really drink milk from cows anymore, but for a while after Ainsleigh was born I did and we made sure it was from grass fed cows). There is a lot of toxicity in meat that has been exposed to chemicals and antibiotics. When we were young, poor, and lacking knowledge we ate cheap meat. Now we buy organic, grass fed, and - if possible - local meat. - More veg

Life has been busy, busy, busy lately. We've had some house complications, Thanksgiving is coming up and there's a lot of planning involved in that, and the first Empty Arms Connections meeting took place last night. First, the house complications. If you live in Salem, have a drain problem, and need a plumber call me . I can tell you who to go to, and who to avoid, so that you don't receive - and nearly accept   - a crazy high bid. Plumber the first told us they couldn't clear out our pipe and we would need to pay thousands of dollars to put in a new one. Plumber the second cleared out the pipe . We had a good time hyperventilating over the cost for twenty-four hours. I tried to be cheerful and optimistic because I just started the She Reads Truth thanksgiving study and was all full of give thanks in all circumstances verses and truth, but I quickly reverted back to, "we'll never move now! I know we have the money in savings, but it's still a lot! Wah,

I've spent the last few days asking J, "what do I do?" I've asked his opinion, I've asked what he would do, and I've asked him if I am putting our children at risk by blogging about our lives. He said, "I think the benefits outweigh the risks." He said, "You're pretty careful." He said, "It's up to you." Before switching back to a public blog setting I knew I had to do at least one thing: delete Charlotte's pictures. Every time I thought about what to do and how to proceed one concern kept rising to the top of the pile: what if someone takes Charlotte's image - or identity - and uses it to promote their agenda, or suggest she is their child? This evening I combed through four years of blog posts and I deleted nearly every picture of Charlotte. I still don't feel completely comfortable with how many pictures of my kids are on here, and therefore in the Google Image search database, but I'm not r

This evening I received a private message on the facebook page for this blog: Hey, there is a scam facebook page about child abuse in New Zealand and they're using a picture of your kid. SAY WHAT?! I opened the computer, went to the page, and stared at a picture of B after a fall with the words "NOT OK!" written across them. After breathing deeply a few times I began searching how to remove the picture. I did a whole lot of things - including asking friends to report the page - and then I deleted the blog post itself from this site so that it would disappear from Google images. Then the picture disappeared. I hope it's still gone. I've been blocked from the page. Maybe because I kept reporting it. I've felt a little sick to my stomach all evening. I've thought a lot about my kids, social media, how strange our society is now, and how you can live your whole life in front of the world without anyone really knowing who you are. I hope there aren

This is going to be a picture heavy post, but first I want to say this: I prayed (and I was prayed for) and this birthday was easier than any other. I felt so much peace. I didn't yell at my family for three days prior to the party. I didn't cry the night before the party. I didn't stress about getting things done, or cleaning every inch of the house. I felt grateful for every decoration, and all the small moments of prep, and for J who took a day off to make a wonderful cake. And, most of all, I felt thankful for Ainsleigh's life and fierce spirit. Sometimes we don't get what we want, and sometimes the force of the one who is missing knocks us sideways, but there are rare moments when everything feels okay even though the picture we imagined isn't the one we hold before us. Ainsleigh received a lot of presents, but she was enamored with the baby doll. J made the dairy free, gluten free, vegan cake with a ma